Sunday, May 03, 2020

May Sweeps - Day 93


I didn't accomplish a great deal today.  I didn't do much writing, I barely exercised, but I did finish my Patreon address.  So don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad.

Actually, I also recorded another Rish Outcast episode, and talked to Big Anklevich for a surprisingly long time about Disneyland versus Universal Studios, and what Star Wars Land might have been like if it was Original Trilogy-based.

My aunt has often disparaged the fact that my cousin and I can talk about Star Wars literally every time we get together, and Big and I remarked about that, and how some people only have That One Thing they can talk about . . . yet he and I have several (including toys, movies, podcasting, writing, travel, Pixar, Marvel, and how delicious the blood of our victims tastes . . . oh, and Star Wars).  Guess we should count ourselves lucky.

Oh, and it rained on and off all afternoon, so while I drove on up the canyon, hoping to catch a lull in the rain, I still got rained on, only about ten minutes into my hike.


The truly weird thing is: there was nobody else on this hiking trail.  Yes, it was raining and it was going to get dark any time soon, but to find nobody else out doing the hike* is just strange.  Of course, the signs still said "Closed For Winter" so perhaps that had something to do with it, as well as the locked gate at the head of the trail, but like I did in February (when I did the Counting Crows Serenade), I just walked around it.

I'm getting tired of being the only person in these photos.  I guess that's what social distancing is all about, but I'm starting to get a romantic-dinner-in-Paris-for-one vibe from these pictures.


About a quarter of a mile up, there was an area on the trail with a bunch of fallen rocks on it.  I assume it's from our recent earthquake activity, but it could be that this sort of thing happens every winter.  But I was surprised nobody had cleaned it up.  If I were my dad and we were (illicitly) hiking up the trail, I'd have said, "Okay, kids, let's stop here and pick up all these rocks for a few minutes."  Guess I should've taken a picture of that too.

At least I got a song in, although at this point, it'll be mid-July when I put it out.

Sit-Ups Today: 35
Sit-Ups Total: 100

It's only midnight when I'm typing this, so I think I could write a little bit more, do a few more sit-ups, and I dunno, drink some water before I call it a night.  Tomorrow will be another busy one, work-wise (which is good, I'm not complaining--I'm still struggling with debt, but I feel like I could be out from under by mid-summer, as long as I don't go to the dentist, renew my car insurance, replace my windshield, get a speeding ticket, or go on a road trip again).

I got a couple more paragraphs done, and while it wasn't as hard tonight as it was a couple of nights ago, it still wasn't one of those times when the words are just flowing from me.  Maybe I'll have to write in multiple spurts a day to get my numbers up.

Words Today: 601
Words In May: 2072

P.S. I'm still posting one of these every day:


Okay, Day 33. "Take Me To Church" by Hozier.
Holy smoke, I LOVE that song. Not in spite of its glorious sacrilegious overtones, but because of them.  Sorry, Mom.

*There was one more car parked there.  And it belonged to a young couple (if thirties is young) who were not hiking, but cuddling under a visitor's center awning the whole time.  They asked if I was a photographer, and I made up a story about doing a Mother's Day video for my mom, which they thought was sweet.  Now I probably ought to do a video, to stave off bad karma.

Saturday, May 02, 2020

May Sweeps - Day 92


Not much to report today.  Got a lot of work done, went out and got Taco Bell with my mom and sister.  Drove around, doing a podcast (editing it now).  And very, very little writing.  I don't suppose I'll start this month ahead of last month, but that's okay.  I have other priorities sometimes.

Still, I'd like to have written a bit more than I did.  I jotted down a few words, then did my run (today's was a good one--my ankles didn't hurt much at all, and though there was one bit where I was gasping like a beached goldfish, I didn't allow myself to stop, and was rewarded with those endorphins Big told me about and a sauna's worth of sweat.  Oh, and I saw my pal the skateboarder, out practicing his shredding skills, and if he had asked me to run away with him, I'd have never come home), then never really went back to writing.

I even opened up my Christmas ornament story, thinking the change of pace would do me good, but I stopped after one paragraph.  Honestly, I've written more on this blog here than I have all day.

Words Today: 460
Words In May: 1471

Oh no . . . massive sidetrip coming.

A person I know's sister just got engaged (I don't know if it was a week ago or what, all sense of time has now gone out the window.  Have you noticed that?), and for some reason--madness, assuredly--I checked out the Vlog they started putting up on YouTube, to document their engagement/relationship/descent into mania.  And it was just them in glorious HD, all over each other, mugging for the camera, making funny faces and doing obnoxious voices, and them doing a hike together, jumping around, kissing and eating . . .

. . . and like I said, I should not have watched this thing.  It was a little bit sickening, and also a little bit like a starving Nigerian man watching one of those Fourth of July hot dog-eating contests they sometimes show on ESPN.*

And I thought: these two are going on road trips and such every week of the, I dunno, five weeks before their wedding (yeah, it was one of those) . . . what if they go to the haunted bed and breakfast?  What might befall them there?**

While I was doing my sit-ups tonight--oh, that reminds me:
Sit-Ups Today: 35
Sit-Ups Total: 65 

So, while I was doing my sit-ups tonight, I thought about writing a story where a thinly-disguised version of this couple goes to the bed and breakfast, and are terrorized by ghosts, preferably while they are recording one of these overly-grabby Vlogs.  Maybe that's petty of me, but I'll take inspiration where I can find it.

Of course, Marshal wrote a story about a honeymooning couple that go to the b&b and the groom gets his face kicked in by the ghost of her ex-boyfriend, so I'm not sure this story absolutely needs to be told.  We'll see.

P.S. I'm still posting one of these each day:

Day 32. Okay, this time I'll go with "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross.
As in, "What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark."

*Fudge, I don't know if they do it a lot or not, except for once I saw it on ESPN, like, the only time I turned it to that channel not to watch one of their cool documentaries.

**And don't get me wrong: I don't hate 'em or anything.  If I looked like they do, I could be forgiven of just about anything (I'm serious, it's like two Banana Republic poster models met while doing a photoshoot and fell in love, and decided to only wear matching BR outfits for the rest of their courtship), but it was a bit much (and frankly, I was surprised there were zero Thumbs Down on their video.  But I guess it only went up today, so here's hoping), and a bit too twee, if I'm using that right.

12 Goals For 2020 - April


1.  Publish "The Calling: Reunion."
    The text file is out there.  I re-uploaded the files for Audible just this week.  We'll see what they say this time.
2.  Do Dunesteef Patreon with Big.
   Like I said last month, we did talk about it.  I told him I wasn't interested in pursuing it right now.
3.  Find Out Who Sings "I'm A Bad Liar" Song.
   Imagine Dragons.  I don't think I've heard that song this whole month.
3a. Put Out "Tales of eBay Horror" Episodes.
   I found my camera in March, and transferred one of the files off.  Haven't done anything with it, though.
4.  Finish "Balms & Sears" Novella.
    This one is going to be an immense amount of work.  As are most projects where the bulk of the work has been done in a notebook, it takes hours of concentrated effort to get it all typed up and ready to put out.  And this one I didn't even finish, so it looks unlikely at this time.  As it stands, it's a story I like, with a truly decent main character (much like Will Choner in "Lost & Found"--and that one is more likely to get a sequel before I finish the last ten pages or so of this one).
5.  Publish EITHER "A Sidekick To Miracles" or "YIGH" (Lara and the Witch 2).
   I got "You're In Good Hands" published this month.  I got right on the audiobook and sent it to Audible for their approval.
   Big also created a cover for the two stories together that I'll reveal here:
As soon as Audible accepts it (which might not be for months), I have an Outcast episode ready to go where I talk about it.  It would be better sooner than later.
6.  Finish "Podcatcher" short story.
    Nada.
7.  Do BOTH "Empire Strikes Back" and "Death Star Day" Episodes of "Delusions of Grandeur." 
   Marshal and I recorded our "Death Star Day" episode, and I started editing it this week.  It won't be really soon, but it'll be soon.
8.   Publish EITHER "My Friend of Misery" or audio version of "A Lovely Singing Voice."
    Nope.  I opened one of them on my recording computer, with the intention of starting on it, but never got to it.
9.  Do "Till Death Do Us Meet" Episode With Marshal Latham.
    Marshal had four of us do a recording over Skype of this, and we'll see when that drops.  There's a chance I'll have him on the Outcast for a "Play In My Sandbox"-type episode.
10.  Put Out Christmas Story Collection.
    I recorded one Christmas story in April, and wrote most of a new one.  That's not exactly progress on this goal, but it's something.
11.  Put Out Audio Collection 4.
     Gino created the cover for this one.  I could, technically, have it done and submitted to Audible in May.  If I wanted to.
12.  Put Out TWO New "Dead & Breakfast" Stories.
     This one is done.  I put out "The Old Man & Me" in February, and "Fatherless Child" in March.  I intended to get "Three-Time Visitor" recorded in April, but it's just too much work.  I considered doing one of the shorter ones instead, but nothing so far.
     Oh, here's the cover Gino did me for "Fatherless Child."  What do you think?

Let's look at what I have accomplished, writing-wise, in 2020 so far:
1.  Three-Time Visitor (D&B)
2.   Fisher & Florence (follow-up to "A Mark on the Sky")
3.   Comics Trip (Fantasy)
4.   Troubled Child (Fantasy)
5.   Fatherless Child (D&B)
6.   Never Let Him Go (D&B)
7.   The Last Friday In December (D&B)
8.   A Sidekick's Errand (Western)
9.   Comics Trip (screenplay version)
10.  A Sucker For Mystery (D&B, formerly known as "Who You Gonna Call?")
11.  Untitled meteorite story  (Horror)
12.  Meet the New Clerk, Same As the Old Clerk (D&B)
13.  Pizza Place Story (formerly Little Caesars story)
Wow, that means I only finished one story in the whole month of April.  If I gave even half a damn, I'd finish either my Christmas Ornament story (I'm thinking of calling it "That's the Spirit") or my Mason/Rowan story.  But ah well, May can only improve, right?
Unless it stays the same.

Friday, May 01, 2020

February Sweeps - Day 91


Today is the first of May, and I haven't written any words today.  Not sure if I will, but there's something about the start of a new month that's like the start of a new year . . . the possibilities are . . .well, not endless, since it's me, but pretty open.

I mentioned to Big the other day that in the television biz, there are three Sweeps months: November, February, and May.  So, all of a sudden, we're in a month it makes sense to call Sweeps. 

I spoke to him on the phone for a while today, and he suggested I type my word count into The Magic Spreadsheet, which is a Google Docs file that keeps track of your words, so I don't have to do the math myself, and we can see each other's progress.  I spent an hour and went through my April entries and entered them in . . . and the word count it came up with was totally different from the count I came up with.  And since it was a higher number, I decided to go with the Magic Spreadsheet version.

One of my goals for May is to do sit-ups every day and tabulate the total at the end of the month.  Maybe I should put that in the Spreadsheet as well.
Sit-Ups Today: 30
Sit-Ups In May: 30

So, a little inspiration struck while I was running last night, and I've decided my Mason/Rowan story will be called "Only Have Eyes For You."  It might have to change, if I got the title of that old song wrong, but it totally works for what the story is about.  I wonder if I will ever be happy again (and if not, whoa, what is the point of going on, seriously???), but finishing this damned story would point me in the right direction (I checked, and it's already over twenty thousand words).

I changed the profile picture on my blog today.  It was a really good photo I asked a stranger to take of me standing in front of the Chicago River in 2018, but I switched it out with a selfie I took recently, but using one of those turn-your-photos-into-a-painting programs I am so fond of.  First I tried it with a picture of my muse, and then I thought better of it, and uploaded my own photo.

This was the first result:


I'm not sure where all the yellow comes from.  Cowardice, I suppose.

This one really amuses me:


This is another interesting take:
The oranges are fun.

Gosh, I wish I liked my face more (but more than that, I wish other people liked it more), so I could do this for hours and upload the results.  Sigh.

This is the one I decided to go with:


Which is weird, but I like it (my eyes are not quite that blue in real life, though my neck is definitely that green). 

Words Today: 1011

P.S. Each day I post one of these (and I couldn't let it end at 30):

Day 31. I'm gonna have to go with "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People.
I once heard a song on the radio that I thought, "Hey, that's pretty good," and then the DJ said it was Foster The People, and I hung my head in shame.

Storage Unit Serenade (lucky) 13

Thirteen is my favorite number, so I thought I'd give you something special. Whoops, maybe I should put "special" in quotation marks.


Unfortunately, the sound was bad on this one, but I didn't discover it until this week. I did the best I could with it. No apologies, though.

Stats
Pre-Eighties Songs: 3
Eighties Songs: 4
Nineties Songs: 3
Aughts Songs: 0
Teens Songs: 3 (I think I wrote this one in 2017)

Should I make this one public, or keep hiding them in shame?

Thursday, April 30, 2020

April Sweeps - Day 90


If I write today, it will have been three months, every day.  By my math, that should be one-fourth of a year.

Unfortunately, I woke up feeling a little out of it this morning, and an hour after my alarm went off, I was throwing up.  Maybe I shouldn't have eaten an entire can of peanuts before going to bed.

As a result, I'm trying to decide whether I should put off all work this morning and resume it in the afternoon, or if I should try to soldier on.  I'm going to give myself a half hour of doing nothing, and see if I feel better.

...

Whoops, I gave myself a bit longer than that.  I actually fell asleep for a little while there, and missed the mailman (had to go to the post office for, oh, the third time this week in the afternoon), but I felt totally fine for the rest of the day.

I even wrote a little bit on my totally lame and too-long story.  I'd like to be done with it and move on to something shorter and more inspired.  And I guess that means I'll still be writing in May.  As Adam Sandler once asked, What the hell happened to me?

I was editing the audio for "The Old Man and Me," and got to the part where the ghost speaks.  He's described as having a raspy voice (and died of lung cancer) so I tried to do as wheezy a job as I could, while still sounding like an old man in the Midwestern United States.  I have to admit that the story isn't nearly as crappy as I had remembered it being.  So, maybe the thing I'm working on now won't be garbage either.*

I was watching a YouTube video, and there was an ad that played for THE LAST JEDI just now.  I don't get that--you'd think they'd be advertising THE RISE OF SKYWALKER, or EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (which turns forty in three weeks).  But I'm happy TLJ is getting some love.  It was the last great Star Wars movie . . . maybe the last one we'll ever get.

The little writing I got done tonight got interrupted when my nephew was screaming that one of this three (count 'em, three) fishtanks got a crack in it and was leaking all over the floor.  By the time I got down there, the entire wooden floor was covered in water, and the fish were flopping around in the drained tank.  It was an extraordinary amount of work cleaning that up, from sopping up water with a dozen towels to moving furniture to get everything dry, to knocking over a shelf trying to lift it and have a thousand sports cards scatter all over (at least this happened AFTER we'd dried up 95% of the water off the floor).**

My nephew threw a fit over the damage, which I must admit I'd seen myself do over the years, and though I was angry at him over it, believe me, I get it.  Could be worse, too, since we managed to spare the floor of any permanent damage (I'm hoping) and only one fish met its demise from the incident.  Of course, that's writing time I didn't get to tonight (aw, who am I kidding, I wouldn't have written a word during that hour), and once again, an April day ends with very few words.

Except, I got an idea for a scene during my nightly run, and I meant to just jot it down in broad strokes, but a half hour later, I was still writing on it, inadvertently putting Natalie Whitmore in danger too, where it had only been Mason a day ago.  Cool.

I also found out why Mrs. Bice started hating Mason so much in between "The Night Clerk" and "Three-Time Visitor."  And that's cool too.

Weird, before I posted this, a second commercial for THE LAST JEDI ran on YouTube (a different one).  Guess they know what speaks to me.

Words Today: 1843
Words In April: 33,650

P.S. Each day of the month, I posted one of these:


Day 30: Gonna go with "Creep" by Radiohead.  I've recorded my longest-yet Storage Unit Serenade about it.  But these things have about a six week backlog.
You know, I think I'll go a few more days on this.  I went ahead and made a new line of daily questions.

*I nearly finished editing the whole story, and you know, it's not half bad.  I really like that the main character is me (basically) and a ghost is trying to speak words of comfort to him, when the author of the story has no comfort to give.  So, the ghost is wise, but also kind of distant and unfeeling, which is unnecessarily cruel, like life.  And it inspired me to pay off the big plot thread of that story in the story I've been writing this month.  Heck, gonna write that scene right now.

**I did something fairly similar a few months ago, and I started to write a story about it, but never finished.  Maybe I'll take this repeat incident as inspiration.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

April Sweeps - Day 89


Well, April is pretty much done.  This is the first month since we started this that Big Anklevich has blown past me in word count.  And that's fine.  It was never a competition, after all.*

I wish that I could say that I was going out with a bang, sitting down and feverishly writing a ton of words, but I think this image best sums it up:


Sorry.  I went to the park today, sat in my car, and opened my document to start writing.  I got four words in (FOUR), and then discovered just how hot it was in the car.  It was the warmest day of the year so far today (83 degrees), and that was not conducive to me getting any words done.  So, I closed the file without saving (whoops, guess those four words shouldn't count), and drove home, where I took a twenty minute nap.

Later, I rode my bike around the neighborhood (doing three miles in less time than it takes me to jog my usual 1.6 miles every night), trying hard to think of something I wanted to write.  A new story idea, maybe, or an ending to the interminable "Dead & Breakfast" tale I'm writing.  But nothing came.

I can't say what's wrong with me, except that every person has a breaking point, where they eschew their diet, or they stop working out, or they call in sick for work even though they're in good health, or they start banging Carls Junior employees left and right.  It's human nature, and if you can keep up a positive attitude and do something difficult for more than eighty-nine days in a row, well then, mister you're a better man than I.**

I meant to release my Rish Outcast episode for "The Old Man and Me" on Monday, but realized that I never edited the story.  So today, I started editing it, and right at the beginning, there's a reference to Shady Oaks Bed & Breakfast.  That seemed weird, because I had been writing these stories with the belief that the place was called the Noble Oaks Bed & Breakfast.

A few paragraphs later, there it is again, Shady Oaks.  Hmmm.

So, I thought, maybe it WAS Shady Oaks when I first created the place, and I've misremembered it all these months.  So, I looked at the file here on my laptop (titled "Dead & Breakfast - Story 1" with 12/6/15 as the Date Modified) . . . and it said Noble Oak Bed & Breakfast, totally exonerating me.  I guess I need to go back and re-line the "Old Man and Me" parts where I--

Wait a minute.  Noble Oak Bed & Breakfast?  Noble Oak singular?

Dang, that's bad.  So, I've got three different names for this place in three different stories?  That seems troubling.

Tonight, I sat down and recorded a story to tack on to the next Rish Outcast Incentive episode.  But it took me more than an hour, and edited, will probably be thirty-something minutes long.  That, along with an explanation of the story, seems like enough for its own episode.  We'll see.

Words Today: 973 (I tried to get a thousand, but just couldn't make it)
Words In April: 31,807

P.S. Every day I post one of these.  And it looks like there's only two left:
Day 29: A song you remember from your childhood.  I'm gonna go with "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Judy Garland.  I used to love THE WIZARD OF OZ, and the annual tradition of broadcasting it on TV.  When I was about eight, I taped all the songs onto a cassette so I could listen to them over and over.  And why not?

*Something winners never seem to say, only the losers.  Hmmm.

**I think that's from an Aerosmith song, now that I type it out.

Rish Outcast 169: The Extra Episode


In this one, I sit down and talk a bit about a recent job I had as a television extra, then talk a lot more about doing extra work in general.

Let me know if this is a subject you'd like me to revisit.  I could go on for hours.



To download this episode, just Right-Click HERE.

To support me on Patreon, just Left-Click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Extra-Extra" Moretto.*

*Hey, Gino, you think you could make me a green one?

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

April Sweeps - Day 88


Not much time to blog today (or rather, I waste too much time blogging as it stands).

Before I start feeling sorry for myself, let me first post this excellent photo I took Sunday evening:


It's the mountain with the sun setting behind it and a streetlight in the foreground, but it went all flat and black and white and looks like an album or book cover to me.  I just like the stark contrast of it.*

"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog,
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white."  -Counting Crows

So, I just got rid of the phone today.  I had given the lady a full twenty-four hours to answer me on Facebook (whether she was the owner or not), and waited for the damned thing to ring pretty much all day yesterday, but nobody called again after Sunday.  Somebody online suggested I take it to the police station and let them deal with it, and this afternoon, that's what I decided to do.

I drove over to the local constabulary, and spoke to a guy through a bulletproof (hopefully, Coronaproof) partition, telling him the deal.  He told me I had done the right thing, but to go outside, pick up the (also hopefully-Coronaproof) payphone and dial Dispatch.  I did so, told them it wasn't an emergency, and waited until someone could help me.  The operator heard my story, then asked where I found the phone.  When I told them, he said, "Oh, sorry, that's not us.  The County Sheriff has jurisdiction over that area."

So, they wouldn't take the phone.  Instead, they sent a deputy over to my house to fill out the paperwork and take the phone off my hands.  He was surprised--in an irritating way--when I told him I had found the phone on Sunday, and hadn't turned it in until Tuesday.**  He said with the debit card and medical insurance card, they'd track the owner down.  I nearly asked, "If you don't, can I have the phone?" but I didn't.

So now, with no stranger's phone to distract me, I am supposed to write.  Sure don't want to, though.  I'm afraid we've reached the end of this daily writing experiment.  I'm just tired of it, I no longer feel inspired, and I feel I've accomplished both jack and squat in equal portions this month.

What have I accomplished, exactly?  I'm talking about life here, not since I started writing every day and posting about it.

I was too tired to write more than 700 words, so I got ready for bed, setting aside the recording I was going to do for the next Patreon-only episode of my podcast.  But just as I sat down on the bed, I thought I'd jot down a paragraph or two on my Christmas story, which I haven't worked on at all this week (and ooh, the deadline is fast approaching--since it'll be May soon, and that's only seven months away from Christmas).

But I surprised myself by writing a bit about a 1972 Plymouth Valiant (like the one below), and before I knew it, I had crossed the thousand word threshold for the first time in days.


So, it's only 2:37am, but I'm doing better on my writing today . . . and nearly feeling okay about myself.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Words Today: 1152
Words In April:  30,834

P.S. For some reason, I post one of these each day:

Day 28: A song by an artist whose voice you love. "Faithfully" by Journey.  I thought about a number of singers who have voices that just speak to me, and decided, in the end, that Steve Perry had the greatest voice of the Eighties.  I figured somebody might argue with me, bringing up Freddie Mercury, who might have had a wider range than Perry, but still doesn't get my vote.

*This reminds me: I heard somebody bitching the other day about Instagram, and how it has devolved into this thing where hot chicks take selfies every day and idiots take pictures of their food (which, frankly, is what I thought it was always supposed to be for).  Apparently, when it was first created, Instagram was intended for photographers to upload the pictures they took, showcasing their work.  But what a shame, every moron with a smartphone now thinks they can take pictures and upload them and people will oooh and ahhh, because they took a photo of the sunset.  Or they used one of the Instagram filters and now they're Annie Liebowitz.
But you know what?  Screw you guys.  I took that top picture with a crappy phone, and didn't use any filters, and that fugger could totally go up on Instagram.  And maybe I'll take a selfie now too, just to continue to piss off the bourgeoisie.  A selfie of my taint.

**That made me wish I just kept the phone and traded it in at GameStop when and if the GameStops ever open again.  You get why I didn't, right?

Monday, April 27, 2020

April Sweeps - Day 87


So, I owe you a write-up on yesterday's trip to the canyon.

The problem is, today was the biggest work day for me since I started these posts, and I just got done at 6:42pm, but still need to get something done before I can sit down and blog.

PLUS, I'm supposed to be writing!  After three or four days of less than a thousand words, I'm mighty close to dropping below that for a daily average.  And this particular "Dead & Breakfast" story probably doesn't work.  It's the third Mason-centric one (after "The Old Man and Me" and "The Last Friday In December," or, if you count "Never Let Him Go," I guess it's the fourth), but it was supposed to be about him meeting this girl, them hitting it off, and him saying, "So that's what that's like.  Huh," but it's not really going in that direction.

Somehow, I decided to introduce a new, malevolent ghost that haunts the building, setting it up as the ultimate bête noir for when I finally write the Mrs. Bice story that was meant to close out the anthology.  And then, as if that's not bad enough, the love interest leaves town and Natalie, Mason's would-be true love, tells him not to pursue this new girl, because she is vulnerable and damaged.  It's a little bit too much story for a short story, or even two at this point.

So, last week, I came across two trails (well, there were three, but one of them got me lost, so I suspect it was a false trail)--the one that led up to the top of the waterfall (this was rocky), and another, woodland trail that went in the other direction.  I did the waterfall one first, and then tried to do the second one, but only made it up a third of the way before it was getting too dark (and my legs were getting too tired), so I turned around and went back to my car.

As I had stumbled around in the woods earlier, I grabbed a big stick off the ground and used it to keep me up as I tried to make my way back from my wrong turn.  This stick was fun to use and when I reached the bottom of the woods trail, I left the stick propped up against a tree so the next person to come along could use it.  That's just the sort of dude I am.

But cut to a week later, I had options of where to go, and I meant to find the trail I went up about a month or more back, where I took the AT-ST picture (and sang a David Bowie song) . . . but I couldn't find it.  Instead, I went to the exact same place as last week and decided to try out the woodland trail this time.  And to my surprise, my stick was still there, propped up where I left it.


I scooped it up and it helped me quite a bit as I went up the winding, unpaved trail (I say unpaved because, even though last week's was also unpaved, it had obviously been man-made, with lots of rocks placed along the way to help people climb to the top of the waterfall, whereas this one was meandering and occasionally more dangerous).  I didn't know where it was going, but there were ribbons occasionally placed in trees which led me to believe it had been marked to help people know they were going in the right direction.

Something, something, carry a big stick.
At one point the trail split into two forks, and as I glanced at the less-prominent fork, I saw somebody's phone case lying at the bottom of an incline.  I figured a hiker had set it down while they peed or something, but nobody else was around, and after a minute, I scooped up the case and found a new-looking, expensive-looking 5G Samsung Galaxy 10 phone, along with a medical insurance card, a couple of restaurant member cards, and a debit card, all with a woman's name on them (Megan, we'll call her).

Well, this sort of thing has happened to me before (the last time, it was a bag with an ID, a debit card, and a wad of cash), so the first thing that I did was try to wake up the phone, in case there was a "If Found, Please Call" number on it (I suggest you try it--it's breathtaking).  But the phone was locked, and didn't have an emergency contact number, and besides, there was spotty cellphone reception there at best.

I felt a little strange about it, though, as I held some stranger's phone in my hands, and got guilty pangs when I put it in my backpack, just in case somebody was watching and thought I was stealing it.  But you could do a lot worse than me with your valuables.  That phone of yours with all the private stuff on it, including those pictures you should not have taken of your daughter's teenage classmate . . . well, it's pretty safe with me, and besides, you have a PIN number lock on your phone, don't you?

I went up the trail, and encountered a young couple walking together.  "Are you Megan?" I asked the woman.  But she wasn't, according to her, and if she was lying, well, she only hurt herself.  It turned out that this little trail went up to the top of another mountain, where a tiny waterfall emerged.

Purty stuff, but surprisingly loud.


The big falls from last week are impressively large and can be seen from the highway, whereas this one I had never noticed before, and I doubted anybody had ever died climbing down that one.  Somebody had put up a hammock downstream a hundred feet or so, and there was a couple making out on it.*  It didn't occur to me to ask them if they were Megan.


I had climbed directly up the rocks where the waterfall flows, but there was a winding path that went alongside the waterfall, and once I had gotten there, that's how I decided to go back down.

Well, that turned out to be something of a deathtrap.  While it's fairly easy to climb a sheer(ish) rock cliff, I had a bugger of a time trying to get down it, my shoes slipping multiple times in the effort (for a while there, I actually kept count of how many times I'd slipped.  Must've been seven or eight), and depending on the walking stick to keep me from falling.  One of the slips caused my sunglasses to fly off my head, and they went down the rocky embankment before stopping a few feet down.  I tried to scoop them up with my stick, but only managed to knock them farther down.  Finally, I went down on my butt, picked up the glasses (which now had a big scratch on the right lens), went back up to where I had lost them, and backtracked to the waterfall, going down its base like I had climbed up.

Taken moments before my sunglasses took their tumble.
As I was coming down the trail, listening to music and slipping two or three more times (it must have been the shoes I chose, with worn-down smooth bottoms, which I had worn instead because my ankles were bothering me and I hoped it was just the shoes), I heard a cellphone ringing.  And it wasn't mine.

I quickly stopped, pulled my backpack off, unzipped, and reached for the found phone, figuring I'd say, "Megan's phone" when I answered it, then explain what the situation was.  My own phone got no signal up there in the rolling hills, but this stranger's 5G one did.  Didn't matter, though, as the caller had hung up before I could answer.  I tried to call them back, find a way to redial, but there was no way of accessing anything (except for "Emergency Call") without knowing the passcode.  I put the phone in my pocket, in case he or she called back.**

There were a lot of people out, both hiking and walking their dogs (as well as the usual gathering of grab-assing teenagers), and even though I'm alone, it helps to see all these people around, so I can imagine we're all alone together.  If I survive this year, maybe I'll look back on all the writing, hiking, and exercise I got during this stretch with fondness, maybe even pride.  Might be nice not to look back, though, or see anything for a while.

I must admit that I tired out easier this week than I did last week, and both trips put together didn't equal the trip up and down the road from the week before that.  My legs have started to ache, and I'm experiencing the shin splints Big Anklevich used to complain about.  As a result, I walked just a little bit more once I came down the trail (going to where the little river is dammed off and imagining seeing a body floating down there), then headed back to my car.  It's the first hike I've done this month without recording a (probably annoying, I realize) song.***

That used Selfie Stick has already been worth the $1.00 I paid for it.
When I got home, I loo--heck, it was before I even got home, it was once I got back to town--I looked Megan up on Facebook.  The problem is, there's an awful lot of Megans out there, and the last name was not uncommon enough to narrow it down.  I found one that had a photo that MIGHT have been the face in the tiny picture that comes up on the lock screen, and I sent her a message asking if she had lost a phone on a hike this weekend.  I waited for her to respond (even a friendly, "Nope, that's not me" would've been useful), and went over to Instagram to see if she might be there (a lot of people I know have jumped ship from Facebook to Instagram because it's so much hipper and such).

Instagram was worse than Facebook because there were just as many Megans with the same last name, but nearly all of them had their accounts set on Private.  Really, say what you will about having a Private account, how great it is that a creep like me can't see what clubs you go to, or pictures of your nipples, or find out who your friends are . . . but in this case, the only person your selfish little Private account kept at arm's length was you.


They say you always hurt the one you love, and in this case, I guess you just did.

After that, I posed the question on Facebook, because a year or so back when I did an episode of my podcast where I talked about finding the bag with the wad of cash in it, and what I did, I was surprised that a person or two told me I was not the forkiest spoon in the drawer over that.  So, pray tell, what should I have done?

Somebody told me to Google them (which I did), somebody told me to turn the phone into the police and let them deal with it, one person told me that finders were technically keepers, and one person told me to shove the Samsung Galaxy phone into my nether bungslide.  We will see what happens in the next few hours.

The pain in my ankles (they even hurt to touch) caused me to skip going for a run that night, though I figure the hiking days count as a perfectly cromulent running substitute, but then I did my usual run Monday night, and paid for it afterward.  I'd say it's not fair that I'm doing all this exercise stuff, and my body is betraying me over it . . . but none of it's fair, boys and girls.  It's time you remembered that.

Words Today: 811
Words In April: 29,682

P.S. For some reason, I post one of these daily.
Day 27. Oh, I'm going to go against the grain and pick not a heartbreaking love song, but a different kind of sad song. "Eleanor Rigby" by The Beatles.
My pal Katie, who was more than a year younger than me but always seemed older and wiser, first told me about the song where a lady picks up the rice after a wedding and nobody misses her or goes to her funeral when she died.  I still remember her misting up telling me about that song.  Would've been 1991.

*Isn't that nice?

**He or she didn't.

***Oh, wait, that's not quite true.  I recorded this bit at the top of the waterfall, knowing the sound would be drowned out by the roar of the falls, but not realizing that my phone would screw up and record a horizontal image vertically.  If this is fixable, let me know.

I Tell The Jolly Joe Story

This semi-impromptu video tells the story behind my story "Surprise Inspection."  This has sat, unused for more than a year.


I was excited to produce more content in 2019, and recorded a handful of videos which have not seen the light of day.  This is probably the longest of them, so, here you go.