Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Writing Resolution 2

Dammit, this ended up too long too.


A gust of wind yanked the kite from Alexi's grasp and carried it two blocks before releasing it. He watched as it flitted above the sidewalk for a moment before it dropped into the Swirskys' backyard, disappearing from view behind their ten foot fence. Alexi despaired. The Swirskys were an odd bunch of religious nuts who moved in at the end of the summer, paid some workers to put up the huge fence, and lived in isolation behind it. But Alexi had mowed lawns for three weeks to buy that kite, and he wasn't about to let it go. He grunted, strained, and reached, but couldn't reach the top of the fence. They really didn't want him coming in there, did they?

Finally, he took several steps back then ran at the fence, jumping as high as he could, catching the top of the fence and holding on for dear life. He pulled, using his feet to help him, and managed to hoist himself up to the top of it. The kite's string was right there before him, and he hopped down into the Swirskys' backyard to go after it.

One of the Swirsky children was holding the kite, glancing at it in puzzlement. He was filthy, his hair long and matted, wearing brown-stained clothing covered with mud (or worse). As Alexi approached him, he saw two more Swirsky children, young girls of six or so, gathering up the string. They were just as filthy, their eyes big and dark. "That's my kite," Alexi said, but froze when the children smiled at him. Their teeth were also brown, and very sharp. The fence hadn't been built to keep him out, but to keep them in.

1 comment:

Abigail Hilton said...

These read like _ideas_ for stories. If you were actually going to write it, I think you'd use more show and less tell. The last sentence, for instance, is the sort of thing I'd write as a note ("finish this later"). Maybe he sees a sign that says "Beware of..." and then the last word is smudged, but he thinks it's a species of dog. Then, beyond the fence, he's struck by the idea that it's "child." Or something like that. :)

I don't know whether you were looking for feedback, but that's my two cents.