Stupid Thing of the Week

As you know, usually my blog consists of either a) me talking inanely about a TV show I watched, or b) me admitting something that makes me look bad.

But I'm going to switch it up a bit and make a little boast here: I have never, in my long, utterly worthless life, seen an Uwe Boll movie.

Nope. Never happened.

In case you are new in town, Uwe Boll is a German director who is not only technically insane, but is regarded as the world's worst film director. Under his belt, he's made such films as ALONE IN THE DARK, BLOODRAYNE, FROGGER: THE MOVIE, POSTAL, BLOODRAYNE 2:DELIVERANCE, SEED, E.T. THE VIDEO GAME: THE MOVIE, BLOODRAYNE IV:RELIVERANCE, HOUSE OF THE DEAD, CUSTER'S REVENGE: THE MOVIE, and BLOODRAYNE 3: THE PREQUEL TO BLOODRAYNE IV. He tends to write and produce his films, as well as threaten to beat up their detractors.I don't like video game movies--and frankly, neither should you--so I'd never felt the need to see any of his films (even though I was tempted to see BLOODRAYNE if only to mock it). And it doesn't hurt that the guy is infamous for having more films on the IMDB's Bottom 100 list than Ed Wood, Roger Corman, and all the Wayanses put together.

Well, here's where the Stupid Thing of the Week comes in. I was at tyranist's for our weekly Wednesday get-together, and he wanted to watch Boll's "Dungeon Siege" movie. His rationale was that a) it had Jason Statham in it; b) tyranist has a mad crush on Jason Statham; c) tyranist happened to have it on his TiVo; d) I enjoyed playing the "Dungeon Siege" game; and e) a maaaaaad crush.

I told him I didn't want to see it, and gave him the whole "I ain't nevah seen no Uwe Boll movie" argument. Which he didn't believe. He taunted me, and when that didn't work, tried to convince me I like both Claire Forlani and Leelee Sobieski. Which I don't.

Then tyranist began to beg and plead, really making an arse of himself to get me to watch it. Finally, he told me John Rhys-Davies was in it, and said he'd let me tell my John Rhys-Davies "Don't look at my dick" story again.

I guess I'll never tire of that one.

I told him I'd consider watching it if, at the point in the movie that it got really stupid, I could tell him to turn it off. He probably had no intention of going along with it, but he agreed, and we began to watch, deep breath . . . IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE.So, now I've seen an Uwe Boll movie.

And to make matters stupider, I didn't think it was all that bad. Oh, it wasn't a good movie, not by any stretch, there wasn't a line of memorable dialogue throughout, and certain scenes either didn't work or seemed almost to have been inserted in the wrong place of the story. But there were a couple moments that were pretty good, the special effects were actually passable, and most of the actors fared pretty well (heck, even Claire Forlani).

Maybe it had something to do with Uwe Boll not writing the screenplay (makes me wonder what an adequate director might have done with the material), or maybe it was my expectations of absolute crap that kept me from absolutely hating it (I don't recall ever telling tyranist that we'd reached the point where he needed to turn it off).

Or maybe it had something to do with me falling asleep in the middle and having one of those alone-on-an-island-with-that-Waverly-Place-girl dreams when I should have been watching Matthew Lillard doing his drunken Paul Lynde impression.

Oh, Ray Liotta was truly awful, and I pity him. And Kristanna Loken (and her gaggle of damn lesbian tree witches) just plain sucked. But I didn't find ITNOTK:ADST as terrible as say, THE SCORPION KING 2, THE HAPPENING, or even X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE.

So, who's stupid now?

Rish "It Was A Rhetorical Question" Outfield