Creepy Commute

I was at my friend's house tonight, going out to my car, when I saw a fairly large beetle perched on his wall.  "I haven't seen a bug that big since I was a kid," I said, somehow forgetting the cockroaches I encountered (and occasionally managed to stomp) in Southern California.  In my childhood, there would sometimes be big beetles or even bigger moths, but I doubted my nephews had ever encountered such a thing, having lived away from the wilderness their whole lives.

So I decided--foolishly, it turned out--to scoop the big insect up in a Walgreen's bag, and take it with me.  No big deal, right?

Well, imagine you are driving down the hill at night, making sure not to hit any deer (only saw two on the side of the road this time), when suddenly, something large starts to crawl up your leg from the dark.  Imagine further, you're wearing shorts.

Guess it got out of the shopping bag.

Just like you see in the movies, my car swerved into the opposing lane, as I recoiled from the sensation, shouting the name of a well-known deity, and then regaining control of the vehicle enough to pull it off to the side of the road so I could either recapture or get rid of the scrabbling creature.

My hand, not a child's.

Oddly, the worst part was then, once the car was stopped, as I fumbled on the roof of the car for the lightswitch . . . as the beetle began to crawl across the top of my foot.

I cringed and tried to shake it off, then got out of the car so I could be a little more physically unrestrained, almost wishing a cop would pull up so I could show him how good a reason I had to be driving like Mel Gibson on Yom Kippur.  But none happened by.

After I found the escapee and made certain I wouldn't be sitting or stepping on it, I got back in the car and kept on driving.  I did nearly pull the car over a second time, though, when the idea came into my head of what would have happened had the insect continued crawling up my leg and into my shorts.

Things can always be worse, boys and girls.

Rish Narrates "The Rat King" on Pseudopod

I was looking through the recordings on my magical device tonight, trying to free up some space, when I saw a file called "Rat King reading."  It was a narration I did of a story by Lia Swope Mitchell called "The Rat King," and I did a search for it.

Turns out, the episode went live two days ago, over at Pseudopod, the horror podcast.

This is a short tale told in Second Person, and was inspired by a weird phenomenon known as a rat king, where a mass of rodents get entangled by their tails, and become one filthy, starving, squirming, biting organism.  Like the Kardashians.

It's featured on another of their incessant "Flash on the Borderlands" episodes, with three scary tales in one.  They produce this shite every single week, and we can't even manage to get a show up a month.

Check it out at this link.

The Podcast That Dares Not Speak Its Name 15: Skipping

Recently, there was a contest of sorts over at the Paradise Lost forums, encouraging writers and would-be writers.

They were doing a sort of take on the Broken Mirror Story Events that Big and I did on the Dunesteef.  Only these guys called it a Broken Mirror Story Event.  The assigned premise: "As you skip the rock across the water, you are surprised to see it come skipping back."

I wrote this story for two reasons: one, to support fans of the show, who were influenced in a positive way by the Dunesteef.  And two, because why not write another story?  Why not . . . that would be a good motto to have.



If you wanna download the file, just RIGHT-CLICK HERE.

Nephew of the Year

My eight year old nephew ran in this morning, with some kind of offering to me.  It looked like a treat, a jellybean, and he held it out, but with such a strange expression, that my Spider Sense couldn't help but start tingling.  "What's that?"

"It's candy," he said.  "Eat it."

"I don't get it," I said, because usually my nephews come into the room to steal my candy (which I used to have troves of in various drawers and hidden caches).  This was the first time the role was reversed.

"Just eat it.  See how it tastes."  And there was a barely-concealed amusement in his face and voice.

"Nah, I'm not really a jellybean sort of guy."  This is true.  About five years ago, somebody gave me a baggie of Jelly Bellies at a Dionysus festival, and it's still two-thirds full on my desk somewhere (buried under receipts, broken toys I'll never glue back together, and stories I wrote while Bush was still in office).

"Come on," the boy said.  "Just eat it."

"Nope.  Explain."

He sighed, and said, "We got these candies, and you never know if the flavors are gonna be good or bad.  Sometimes it's bubble gum or lemon, but sometimes it's throw-up, dirt, or diarrhea.  Now will you eat it?"

I think I'm gonna lock my door from now on.

Rish Performs "Night of the ZomBEES" by Kevin David Anderson

Years ago, Kevin David Anderson published a book called "Night of the Living Trekkies," and he's never let us forget it.  But now he's back, with a brand new work, entitled "Night of the ZomBEES," and yours truly narrated the audiobook.

"ZomBEES" tells the tale of a couple of James Bond-loving teenagers who live in a town that so love honeybees that they have a yearly festival dedicated to them.  But the local mad scientist creates a sort of mutated mega-bee that once loosed, turns the townpeople into mindless horde of zombies . . . dressed in homemade bee costumes.  So, Shaun, Toby, and the world's nastiest redhead must team up to survive the plague, and see if they can't figure a way to make things right.

Kevin has always been a friend to the Dunesteef, and seeing his success gives me encouragement with my own work.  Maybe it’ll do the same for you.

You can buy the audiobook RIGHT HERE at Audible, or, if you're still not convinced, you can listen to the first three chapters at Kevin's website: www.kevindavidanderson.com/ZomBEEs.htm

Rish Outcast 46: Ask Me No Questions (The Final Frontier)

Here I am, answering more of Tom Tancredi's probing questions.  Since recording these episodes, I discovered that Tom has a twin brother.  Maybe I ought to make a list of questions for him to answer ("Number 3: Have you ever hurt yourself or gotten some action, only to find that your brother felt it at the same time?").

You can also Right-Click RIGHT HERE to download this episode to your infernal device.

Rish Performs "Cow & Beanstalk" on Far-Fetched Fables

Gary Dowell over at "Far-Fetched Fables" once saved my life in Bavaria.  It was actually pretty heroic, and when he tells the tale, his drinks are always free.  Later I told him, slowly recovering in an undisclosed medic station underground, "If you ever need me, just ask."

Well, he asked.  Here is "The Cow and the Beanstalk" by Julie Frost, a sort of fractured fairy tale involving adultery, a curse, witchcraft, little people, giants, and magic beans.  It's available at THIS LINK.

Whether you like my performance or hate it, you can't say I didn't give it my all.  Consider us even, Special Agent Dowell.

Rish Outcast 45: "I Think It's Your New Book!"

So, the audiobook version of my first novel "Into the Furnace," is now available over at Audible.com.  Here's a LINK to it, so you can rush over and buy a copy.  I know you want to.

Actually, I've no idea if you want to, but I did try to channel California Rish there.

I do the narration, and I worked very hard on it, so if you like my performances, that should make a difference.

I've also got another episode of the Rish Outcast here, where I talk a bit more about the production, and include a sample from later in the tale.

I try to remain spoiler-free here, but remember that it's a Weird Western, and that I wrote it, so you know what to expect.

Here is a a forum page I created if people want to talk about the book, and I think I'll do another episode of my solo podcast sometime later where I talk about the writing of the book, and include all sorts of spoilers in that one.  I'll warn you when it comes, but just to be safe, maybe you should buy the book, huh?

Thanks.



You can also Right-Click RIGHT HERE to download this episode to your dee-vice.

Oh, I Have So Many Names

Yup, Al Pacino/The Devil quote there.

So, I believe I have mentioned that my goal is to publish the sequel to "Birth of a Sidekick" at the beginning of next month.  I'm about halfway through the final pass (I found one paragraph with three typos in it . . . who am I, Drac Von Stoller?), and then I will go ahead and put it up on Amazon, before finishing up the audio version.

Dave Krummenacher kindly offered to do the cover for me again, which I'm posting below.  More great work from that man right there. 

The problem is: it still doesn't have a title.

I have never struggled with a title like this one before.  The notebook version and the MS Word file are both called "Birth of a Sidekick 2," but I'll be gosh-darned if I'm going to name it something that lazy.  Sorry about the language, kids.

I wanted something that sounded like (or meant the same thing as) "Second Chance for a Sidekick," but couldn't come up with one that jumped out at me ("A Sidekick's Second Chance" didn't sound quite right either, and I was/am unable to think of a single word that means "second chance").

I drove to meet Big, turning off my radio and focusing solely on the title.  "A Sidekick's New Life?"  "Toil of a Sidekick?"  "A Sidekick's Struggles?"  "Hard Luck for a Sidekick?"  "A Sidekick Goes Forth?"  I came up with about thirty possible titles in that time (I also couldn't think of a single word that means "growing pains**"), but still failed to find one that felt right.  I talked Big's ear off about it for another hour, and he gave me some feedback on a few that I liked but didn't love. 

I wonder if I have to love one of these titles.  It may sound like California Rish, but I really liked the title "Birth of a Sidekick," back in 2005, and still like it now.  "Challenge for a Sidekick" and "A Sidekick Struggles" are both good, but still not what I want.  I want a title that tells you it's a new adventure in the life of Ben Parks, but also fits this particular story, if I'm gonna go on telling them.

So, I'm giving up.  I'm going to list my five "finalists," if you will, and see what my fans/friends tell me. 

1.  Wanderings of a Sidekick
2.  A Sidekick's Endeavor
3.  Sojourn of a Sidekick
4.  A Sidekick's Passage
5.  A Sidekick's Journey/Journey of a Sidekick

All of those seem fine, but nothing really speaks to me.  Let me know, in the comments below, if you feel spoken to.

A couple titles, such as "The Travails of a Sidekick" and "The Labors of a Sidekick" will have to wait for a future story, alongside "Clash of the Sidekicks," and Big's favorite, "Death of a Sidekick."  Hopefully that last one will be a long ways off.

Rish

*That's probably a rhetorical question, but I can easily recall falling in love with my titles for stories (such as "Silent Night of the Living Dead," and "The Toy Room") I hadn't even written yet.  And a couple of those I never even finished, despite being so proud of the name I'd come up with.

**Big did suggest "The Wonder Years of a Sidekick."  Which is so bad, it's almost not bad.

New "Campfire Radio Theater" Episode

John Ballentine produces these awesome "Campfire Radio" tales every few months or so, usually Horror audio dramas made with loving care and real talent.  This is the third one I've been able to participate in ("R.I.P." and "Night Delivery"), this one called "Woods Ferry."

A trio of young people enter a closed-up old town, where the inhabitants were evacuated long ago.  But are ALL of them gone?

Check it out at this link: http://campfireradiotheater.podbean.com/mobile/e/woods-ferry/ . . . if you dare.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.

Rish Outcast 44: Ask Me No Questions (The Undiscovered Country)

In 2015, Tom Tancredi sent me a list of questions that I answered in a couple of episodes.  Now it's 2016, and it looks like Tom has some more for me to answer.

I'll probably break these up over several episodes, since the resulting answers ended up much more rambling than they did the first time.  But here is the first installment of those answers, and though I say I'll continue answering them "next week," I think I'll alternate between these and other episodes for the next little while.



If you're in the mood to download the episode, please Right-Click HERE.