Saturday, November 17, 2007

Trilogy Special Edition 2

I somehow coerced my buddy, Beta Ray Charles, to participate in a few Top Five lists too. Hey, anything to speed along this prison sentence.

So, in conjunction with the last post, here are my five WORST additions to the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition:

1. Luke's Emperor scream. By far, the most patently offensive addition to the SWT:SE, made all the more shocking by the fact that a lot of other people didn't even notice it.
2. Hayden Christensen's leering face replacing Sebastian Shaw's. People have tried to explain it to me, but no matter what bullshit excuse they or Lucas gives, it doesn't explain why Anakin is twenty-one years old again, yet Obi-Wan and Yoda are really, really old.*
3. Greedo misses Han at point-blank range ("At that close range, we won't last long against those Star Destroyers." "We will if they shoot like Greedo!")
4. The INCREDIBLY bad Jabba the Hutt in the 1997 Special Edition.** Holy Teebo, it not only didn't look like the 1983 Jabba, but wasn't remotely up to snuff with the special effects ILM created for JURASSIC PARK four years previous. It's like Lily said in FIRST CONTACT: "You didn't even try!" And Han stepping on Jabba's tail the way he did . . . what's the opposite of cute?
5. "Jedi Rocks." Ick. Even the name is obnoxious. At least "Lapti Nek" sounded like it could be a song title in their universe.

And Beta Ray's WORST Special Edition Additions:

1. Greedo Shoots First
2. Hayden Christensen in ROTJ
3. Jedi Rocks
4. Emperor Scream
5. Jabba in ANH

These lists were really quite easy for me to think up. Kind of impressive that we listed the same damn five in separate lists. I sense a conspiracy.

After additional prodding, I was able to get my cousin Ryan to compile his list (of four):

1. No Han shoot first.
2. Jedi Rock
3. McDiarmid in ESB - it's really cool to have him in it, I liked the new lines,
but there was nothing wrong with the old lines, nor even monkey-eyed-old-lady-Clive.
4. Jabba at Docking Bay 94 - it doesn't give us any information we don't already know, so it's bad cause it just repeats info, but it's kinda cool to have an intro to Jabba, once they fixed him up a bit.

Even Ryan listed three of the same ones, so maybe I'll forgive him for his earlier "George Lucas has no flaws and is a god among men and when he poops the room actually smells better than it did before" comments.

Rish "The Unspecial Edition" Outfield

*Dude, it doesn't. The next time someone tries to tell me, "Well, Anakin Skywalker died when he became Darth Vader, hence his spirit blah blah blah," I will stab them in the genitals, then ask, "Okay, then who killed the Emperor, then?"

**Now, I will grant you that they fixed him up for the years-later DVD release. That Jabba still doesn't look as good as the ROTJ one, but he doesn't make me fumble for my usually-handy bottle of rat poison.

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