Friday, May 30, 2008

Even More Films I Hate That You Love

I didn't do a Top Five email this week, so I'm forced to think on my feet. Hence, back by no demand, here are five more movies you and I will never agree on.

Basically, I just have a difficulty with the Coen Brothers. With the exception of RAISING ARIZONA, I just cannot like their movies. Either I look around at all the people laughing hysterically at something I find less funny than sewage treatment blueprints, or I am the only one in the art gallery who doesn't get how a doll crazyglued to a barbecue grill is art. In FARGO, I only liked one character, and I guess we weren't supposed to like that character. I want to like these movies, but I'm just not able to.

Mostly, I just hate Owen Wilson. But yeah, I saw this in the theatre, because I like Jackie Chan. Maybe I should've put "liked Jackie Chan," but I still like the guy, what can I say? It wasn't funny, it wasn't well-done, and I couldn't get around a guy in the old west talking like a modern-day surfer.

Now, it's not everyone who loves this movie. There are a lot of smart adults who recognise the crap that is this dookie. But younger people--teenagers, mostly--seem to think it's on par with the earlier films, or praise the ending, like it because "the chick is so hot." Dude, this was not at all a good movie.
Just because it wasn't BATMAN & ROBIN-level awful doesn't mean it's worth complimenting.
Now granted, I am biased towards James Cameron, and complain endlessly about his franchise being taken away from him, but even without the man, they could've done better than remake the second film (but with a far less threatening antagonist). I honestly don't know how Cameron got away with having the Terminator say, "Hasta la vista, baby," and "I need a vacation," but somehow, there weren't people throwing excrement at the screen like monkeys at a South American zoo. But "Relax," and "She'll be back," and "Talk to the hand"* . . . well, what's that in my hand?

TRON blows, folks. I feel a bit bad listing it here because my friend Matthew really loves it, and brought it over for me to watch with him. He's one of those guys who only owns twenty DVDs because he abhors spending money, but TRON was one of them. I never told Matthew how much I hated it, but boy, I sure did.

Alright, you got me, I still haven't seen NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. It was playing when I was on the set of THE SANTA CLAUSE 3, though, and I got to hear ole Jon Heder talk, and that was enough. Hey, I know you love it. I know your wife loves it. I know you've based the whole of your life on its teachings. But hey, my dad had a real big problem with that part in the Bible where God makes a bet with the devil about how much of a pounding our man Job can take, and he still goes to church. I'm man enough to admit that I have issues that will prevent me from ever enjoying NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, and that we should still be able to be friends. If you're man enough to admit that Cheryl Ladd was the hottest of Charlie's Angels.

Rish "The Fat Roger Ebert" Outfield

*I could be wrong, but I believe they also had him say, "Chill out, my negro brutha" at one point in the film.

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