Come On A Grand(ish) Tour With Me

A couple of years ago, I told my niece about a local ghost tour they do in town every Halloween season, thinking it would be fun to go to it.  But then I read the press release, in which the guide actually said--surely to appease the religious fanatics--that it was all in fun and that he doesn't actually believe in ghosts, so there's no chance of anything scary ever happening on one of his tours.

Well, that really pissed me off (and we decided not to go).  Heck, it still does.

And about a year or so back, after getting hired to work in a building they say is haunted*, I decided to write a story about it.  That tale, "The Grand Tour," tells of Savannah, whose new boyfriend works nights in October hosting a ghost tour in town, but when she shows interest in going, Dorian tells her not to come, that there's no ghosts, and it's all pretty boring, actually.  So, she goes in costume, to satisfy her curiosity.

I published three stories in a row after Big got me the cover art back, and this is probably the best of the three.  BUT IT'S NOT SCARY, AND GHOSTS DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST, SO DON'T YOU DARE BUY IT!  Otherwise, you could check it out here.

Oh, and I met the ghost tourguide earlier this year, but didn't think to tell him his spiel had inspired a story.  I also didn't call him a buttplug either, so there's that.

*I looked and listened for ghosts quite a bit in the first days of working there, but that has gone way down in recent months.  I probably only pause and listen to something strange or wonder what is causing that shadow five or six times a week, maybe even less.

Rish Outcast 318: The Last Christmas

For the holiday episode this year, Rish presents his story "The Last Christmas."  Jason finds a box on his doorstep, presumably a present for him . . . but it's one that will change everything.  Enjoy?

Note: we'll postpone Episode 317 to next time.

Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE!

Logo by Gino "The Lost Christmas" Moretto.

From The Tropical Zone of Hoth

This December has been unbelievably warm.  It got into the fifties last week, the week before Christmas, which was warm, but not the hottest on record.  This week, however, it got into the mid-sixties (sixty-five on Christmas Eve!), which is the hottest on record, not just for Christmas week, but for the entire month of December.  While that is nice for me, who can still go to work without a jacket or go jogging at eleven at night, it's an ominous sign for the future, and devastating to those who want a white Christmas.

The last time I went to the cabin, there was snow there, though it was melting (it's always fun to hear the big chunks break off and slide off the metal roof--and you can hear it happening from the other nearby cabins all around), and I thought to grab some Snowtroopers and the GI Joe HISS Tank Big got for me so that I could turn it into a snow vehicle for the Empire.

I won't go into the work that I put into painting a black vehicle grey, or how it never looked right to me and I should've just gone with white*, but I'm happy I was able to put the vehicle out as the sun was low in the sky (I got low to the ground too, at least as low as I was able without laying down), and get a photo in the snow.  So, here you go:

I might try it again when we next get snow--there are new Snowtroopers that are ultra-poseable and still have all their weapons, maybe I'll grab a couple of them for photos instead of selling them (which is why I ordered them in the first place).  We'll see.

*Hasbro recently announced a white and red repaint of their big HISS Tank, and it looks really good.

Don't Go Beyond The Oakline!

There was a contest not too long ago, where they were taking submissions with the theme of The Deep, Dark Woods.  I thought I'd write about my childhood, and my father telling me not to go past the line of oaks beyond the end of our property, where there were deep, dark woods.  He continually told me not to go there, but would not tell me why.*

I like this cover a lot, mostly because I took the silhouette of a human figure and
shrunk it way down for the center of the image . . . and it kind of looks like it belongs.

So, here's a story I ended up renaming "Beyond The Oakline" (assuming others would call their yarns "The Deep, Dark Woods"), where I imagine what would have happened had I, at age nine, defied my old man and gone exploring up there one August afternoon.

Is it a great story?  Well, it certainly lost the contest (though they mentioned it made it to the second round of competition).  Do I continue to write pieces like this because I still have daddy issues and occasionally wonder why if we might have come to some understanding between us had he lived?  Only two ways to find out--one of which is to read the story HERE. 

*My father was big on the "Because I said so" philosophy.

Jonathan Wilson Does What I Fail To Do

I probably mentioned Jonathan Wilson's YouTube channel on here before, but let me mention it again.  He's fallen in love with the art of storytelling (including writing and narration) and has started putting out his work on YouTube.*

He's put together this channel, with the intention of sharing more of his narrations, and asked me if I wanted any of my narrations on there as well.  Now, I have wanted to do this for a decade now, and even tried it a couple of years ago, managing to put a half dozen or so videos on YouTube, despite only being capable of the most rudimentary video-making achievements . . . and then when my P.O.S. computer died, I wasn't even capable of that anymore.

I have, no exaggeration, between two and three hundred audio files that I have made over the years, split fairly evenly between the work of other writers (generally what I put out on The Podcast That Dares Not Speak Its Name) and my own (what I released on the Outcast, and to a lesser extent, on the Dunesteef).  I would love to put out a file or two a month, since YouTube is so visible and so popular, but I simply haven't the time or resources to do it.**  So, the fact that Jonathan is willing and able is a huge boon to me, and I hope many folks discover his work, and along the way, mine as well.

I sent him several of my readings, all but one old public domain ghost stories I had run on The Podcast That Dares.  The other one he deemed not quite ready for Prime Time, and I'll defer to his judgment there. 

Among the first of his released videos is my performance of "The Voice In The Night" by William Hope Hodgeson, and it's essentially the image of a lantern while my audio plays behind it.  But that's just fine, and makes me want to go to the library some Tuesday and do one of my own.  It's an excellent story, so do yourself a favor and listen to it again by clicking HERE.

*If you recall, he experimented with generative AI, making animations or images to go with his work which, creepy though it may be, I was very impressed with.

**There's never enough time in the day, and even when I had a movie-making program available to me, I didn't feel it was worth spending an hour or so to put out one of my readings, or the three or four hours it would take me to put out an actual video.  Sadly, I did sit down and record a couple that never saw the light of day, and that's an even bigger waste of time, wouldn't you agree?

Rish Performs "The Cat That Went To Uranus" on Cast of Wonders

So, another of my readings is available for you to listen to.  This one is "The Cat That Went To Uranus," by Dan Peacock.  Yeah, the story with THAT word in it.  It's over at the Cast of Wonders podcast now.

Two astronauts, on their way to investigate what might be an alien spacecraft near the planet Uranus, discover there's a third passenger on their ship . . . a black cat called Scoopy.

In editing my reading, I questioned the voice I assigned the main character (if it's set today, no way would a NASA mission have a commander with an English accent), but the story's author is OBVIOUSLY not American, by the words, spelling, and phraseology he uses, and things sounded more natural with that accent*, so that's the choice I made.

I did two other voices for the other human characters, as well as meowing for the cat, and my own made-up language for the remaining character.  Feel free to check it out HERE.

*Can you imagine if the American actors in THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING had retained their filthy Yank accents while delivering that odd pseudo-medieval dialogue?

Not A Last Christmas, But "The Last Christmas"

So, here's the holiday story I wrote last year, "The Last Christmas," available for you to buy or give a bad review to . . . or preferably both.

Another great cover by Big Anklevich.

It tells of Jason Baumgarten, who discovers a present outside his apartment door, one without a name or return label on it.  Inside is a strange object and a note with a single word . . . "remember."  And remember he will.  

It's pretty good . . . high praise, coming from me.  You can check it out HERE . . . if you dare.

Oh, because it's the holidays, let me share with you the other cover Big made for me.  It's very similar (though it has fewer legs), but I thought you might be interested in seeing it.

A much better cover for the story than the story itself . . . but isn't that often the case?

"On Your Side" Is A New Lara Demming Story (sort of)

I'm doing my best to get publishing again.  In fact, I ought to crank-start my microphone and record another story right now (instead of blogging, I mean).  But first, let me mention that I put out another Lara and the Witch story, this one called "On Your Side."

I told Big I wanted the text to look like it had been carved in there, and holy Shenk, he pulled it off!

This story is only significant in that it introduces two characters that show up later, and establishes that Holcomb owes another witch, Calpernia Shenk, a favor.*  Other than that, it's just a little Mother's Day piece I wrote to get myself in the Lara & The Witch mindset.  And it worked.

As for whether the story itself is any good, I suppose the only way to find out is to go HERE and, you know, find out.

*One that will be called in a year later, in a story I wrote immediately after this one.

Rish Outcast 316: Door Number Three 2

 ...and the story continues. Here I present the 2025 portion of the story "Door Number Three," written after considering the original ending unsatisfying/unsatisfactory.

Afterward, I'm including the original second half of the first episode, where I talk about what I would do differently if I wrote the tale now (ultimately redundant, since I went ahead and did it). Sorry(ish).

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Door Number Pee" Moretto.

My Voice In Journey Into's "Daydream"

You remember that story I wrote about the man who meets the dog-faced boy at a secret circus? Well, it was one of the finalists of Marshal Latham's diabolical Journey Into Journey contest, and now, if you like, you can check out the other winning story, "Daydream," by R.C. Anderson.

Now, I haven't read the whole story yet, so I can't say how good (or great) it is. But Marshal asked me if I would perform one of the characters, as Bria Burton narrates all the rest.

I voice King Eric, an older man who is dying in a world that he designed. And it was enough of a challenge that I had to try to come up with a voice for this guy, then try to make it consistent when he is emotional, scared, weakening . . . and singing a song. I had the advantage of getting a bit sick and going ahead and recording before I'd recovered 100%. 

Did I succeed? Does it just sound like my regular voice? And more importantly, will you even notice? Find out HERE.

The Scariest Book

You sometimes see weirdness in the public library--for example, a dude just walked by with the exact same haircut Randy Quaid had in that Farrelly Brothers movie KINGPIN.  And that reminded me of something I had meant to post the other night.

This is a dumb story, but I like it when I have something for my blog, even a dumb thing like this.  I was closing on Friday, the librarians had gone home, and one of the last things I do is walk through the library to check that the emergency door is secured (it has an alarm on it, so I don't imagine it ever isn't locked).

Do you see what I see?

And on this night, I was on my way through when I spied--or thought I spied--someone looking at me from one of the aisles.  My blood went cold as I stopped in my tracks and looked over again . . . and yes, there was a guy standing behind the book trolly, looking my way.

I took a step in that direction, and of course, it was just Harlan Coben, up to his old tricks.  One of his books had been placed there in such a way that, well, see for yourself.

As I said, it was no big thing.  But I had been warned that Coben was a vindictive man, and then I went and said that the two books I read by him had the exact same plot.  

Is it too late to apologize?

Rish Outcast 315: Door Number Three 1

Rish shares a story from many years ago about a babysitter that discovers a new door in the hallway. It was meant to be a single episode, way back in March or April . . . but then it mutated.

Just like your sister-in-law.

Remember, you can download the file by Right-Clicking HERE.

Don't forget, you can support my Patreon by clicking HERE.

Logo by Gino "Dork Number Three" Moretto.

An Exercise In Numbers

I know I just posted my Exercise chart for the year a month ago, but I guess I had to get on here and boast about how I did in the month of November, at least as far as jogging goes.

This represents how I've done so far, and if you look at November, I exceeded my goal of 25 days by four, meaning there was only a single day in the whole month that I didn't go on my little run.  That's rather remarkable, and it was partly due to realizing that I was on a streak and didn't want to break it.

Plus, if you look at my goal for the year, I have already exceeded it, which seems like something a high-functioning person would do, not somebody like me.  Anyway, I just wanted to post it here before I failed to replicate it in December.

Happy Turkey Day, Everybody!

There's plenty to go around.

Rish Tries To Mine His Manners

I know I said the last time would be the last time, and the time before that (Never again, is what you swore, the time before), but I ended up doing another narration for the Tales To Terrify podcast. Seth Williams, the editor, asked me to read another story, and as literally no other podcast wants me to do them anymore, I accepted, and even followed the inane directions I was criticized for ignoring the last two times.

But don't worry, I doubt they'll ask me to do it again.

This time, the story was "What's Mine Is Yours, What's Yours Is Mined" by L.T. Williams. It's a dreamlike--almost nonsensical--short tale of the owner of an English coal mine who discovers the world and people around him changing into some kind of bleak industrial hellscape. It's the kind of morality play you used to see on "The Twilight Zone," even though I don't quite understand it. But that's okay--I'm not an audiobook narrator, but I do play one on TV.

Check it out HERE.

Podcast That Dares 64: Smee

Rish presents A.M. Burrage's 1931 short horror story "Smee." A young man tells of a disturbing experience that happened to him while playing a game similar to Hide & Seek.

As always, you can download the file by Right-Clicking HERE.

And of course, you should support my Patreon by clicking HERE (they got an extended version of this episode).

Logo by Gino "Pee" Moretto.

Nine, Ten, Never Sleep Again

One of the tasks I don't tend to look forward to at the library is waking up sleeping patrons.*  Now, this has gotten much easier in the year since I first started (mostly because I now understand that while most of them are just sleeping, every once in a while . . . they ain't).

Tonight, there was an elderly man asleep in one of the chairs.  Sometimes it's hard to tell if they're sleeping or just looking at their phones/reading/meditating/praying, but this guy was clearly deep unconscious, just from the position of his body.  I approached him and said, "Hey there."  But he didn't stir.  I got closer.  " Sir, are you alright" I said louder, and there was no reaction.

Now, we're not supposed to touch people, so this time, I got very close and sort of shook the chair he was sitting in.  "Sir?" I said, "Are you--"  And he came awake.

Seeing my face looking down at him, you'd have thought I was the wolfman, a zombie, or worse, Mitch McConnell.**  He recoiled and actually exclaimed, "Ahh!" (which you don't hear all that often)

I apologized, saying I was just checking on him.

"You scared me," he mumbled, and put a hand over his heart.

"Sorry about that."  And I had no other option but to leave him alone.  As I walked back downstairs, I thought of how it would be to awaken to see me leering down at you.  It occurred to me that waking up to my face might well have killed the old bugger.

His inevitable nightmares tonight are preferable, though he may not consider them that way.

*It may sound like I'm complaining here--most of my job is quite pleasant, and I often feel useful--but I would rather mop up a spill (or worse) than wake up sleeping homeless people.

**I originally typed Willem DaFoe there.  But he doesn't deserve that.

Rish Outcast 314: The Factory of Fear

Happy Belated Halloween (I had intended to put out this one at the end of October, and I never hit Publish . . . sorry)!

Rish shares an experience from 2024 of attending The Fear Factory, an elaborate haunted house with his aunt and cousins. Spoiler: he makes it out alive.

Note: Since this was recorded a year ago, a lot of it is as new to me as it is to you. Funny that senility has an upside.

You can download the file by Right-Clicking HERE.

You can support me on Patreon by clicking HERE. 

Logo by Gino "Olfactory of Fear" Moretto.

Okay, Don't Have A Good One

In all the time--a year now--I've been working at the public library, I've probably told people to have a good night (or "a good one") a thousand times.  Every once in a while, they will ignore me, but usually, they will say, "You too" or "Thanks" or "The man in the moon has chickenpox."  It means nothing, but is a social nicety that nobody complains about.

Except one guy.

The other night, as people were leaving for the night, I told one particular dude to have a good night, and he was having none of it.  He stopped in his tracks and turned on me, like one of those vicious dogs behind a fence (at least I hope they're behind one).  

"Don't tell me that," he said, rather animatedly.  

"Sorry?"  

"Don't say that!" he shouted, which got the attention of every other patron about to leave the library (heck, even the girl at Circulation looked up from her phone for a moment).  I could tell that I was dealing with either an unstable person or a royal piece of crap.  "You don't tell somebody to have a good night!"

But he was standing there, waiting for a reply.

"What should I say?" I asked.

He took a step toward me (what law enforcement would refer to as a lunge) and said, "You say goodbye!"

It was absurd enough I nearly laughed, but the man was disturbed enough already.  "Goodbye," I said.

"Thank you!" he half-yelled, then turned and left the library.

And that's it.  I didn't later learn that he'd shot up a yogurt shop or a pickleball court (one just opened here in town, so that would be extra unfortunate) or anything.  It was just a weird thing that happened to me.  Now that I've shared it with you, go ahead and have a nice day.

Poster Boy

(I struggled--as I often do--for a clever pun or play on words for the title of this post . . . but there's only so much blood you can get from a turnip)

So, Drew Struzan died recently (October 13th), and it was nice to see so many filmmakers and film fans mark his passing.  After all, he was the greatest artist of movie posters to ever live, which is saying something, considering movies are a hundred and thirty years old.  

I guess I first noticed Struzan's work when I first became a Star Wars fan, back in 1983, though most of the JEDI posters were done by other artists.  He did the INDY 2 posters the next year, though, and BACK TO THE FUTURE in '85.  His work was all over the Eighties, from GOONIES to BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, from BLADE RUNNER to POLICE ACADEMY 1-5.  If you wanted your movie to look exciting or magical or deeply appealing or just cinematic, you'd hire Drew to do the art.*

Took me an hour to make this collage--no lie.

I was lucky enough to meet the man one time, back in April of '99.  I had him sign my INDY 3 poster, and since it was about to come out, the PHANTOM MENACE one as well.  Back in those days, these folks would sign what you had for free, which is pretty much a thing of the past.

Believe it or not, this was NOT that long ago.

Struzan was sick for a long time.  One of his friends told me, gee, five years ago now, that he was too ill to do the poster for INDIANA JONES 5, and as far as I could see, INDY 4 was his last one.  He was seventy-eight, and should I live to be that old, I doubt I'll ever see somebody else as talented, or with the gift to capture the soul of the movies, as Drew.

*An anecdote I've never shared with anyone is first seeing the Struzan HARRY POTTER & THE SORCERER'S STONE poster at the AMC theater in LA, and marveling to my friend, "Huh.  That little girl with the unpronounceable first name . . . no way could she be that beautiful.  Well, we'll see when the movie comes out."

Abbie & Rish Read Robin Hobb 1

So, Abigail Hilton and I have started reading "Assassin's Apprentice" by Robin Hobb, and this is the podcast the two of us recorded when we reached the midway point in the book (approximately page 200 of 400, at least according to the library's copy--so, spoilers to that point, plus maybe two more). 

If you're interested in this first book in the Farseer Trilogy, what bit made each of us supremely angry, or listening to Abbie and me try not to interrupt each other, I think you'll get a kick out of it. It's for supporters of my Patreon, so check it out HERE (or HERE).

At least you'll enjoy the moment when she brings up (The Great) Brandon Sanderson and all he's done for authors and Kickstarter. Grrrr.

The Problem With Uranus

I was recently assigned a short story to read for a podcast, and it's not only got a mission to Uranus in it, but it's got Uranus in the title.

And I don't know if you're aware of this, but the name of that planet, at least in American, sounds somewhat like . . . well, I'll explain when you're older.

It's been a problem since before I was born, and will probably be a problem long after I'm dead, as long as there are dumbasses out there.  But it is hard to deliver in a serious way in a Science Fiction story, regardless of the tone of that story.

So, I tried pronouncing it the other way, I tried substituting the planet Neptune, and I tried to just be a grown up and read the story as though I weren't mentally ten years old.  But still, that word appears again and again, and . . . and nothing, I guess.  I suppose I just needed somebody to talk to about it.

Gotta say, that play on words positively wrecked 'em.

Exercise In Futility

At the beginning of the year, I set the goal of exercising 250 days in 2025.  October just ended, and here's my chart for the year-in-progress:

And lookie there, I have already reached my goal, with two months remaining.  Now I know what Big Anklevich much feel like when he does that insane writing spree thing he does so well.  

And I guess I can coast for the rest of the year.  Just like I planned.

Rish Outcast 313: In Security 6

Rish talks a little more about working at the library. In this volume, we get:

1) When a bomb threat calls
2) An exchange of puzzles
3) Sleeping beauty and the runaway toddler
4) The new librarian's new "friend"

Bonus . . . 5) Oh, no.

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Gin Security" Moretto.

Crappy Halloween

So, I got an episode of the Outcast all ready to go for Halloween, uploading it and completing the blog post . . . only to realize days later than I never posted it.  So, that ain't great.

I ended up working on Halloween night, and it was fine (the library was probably the most dead I have ever seen it--is that irony?), but at one point, I looked at the monitors and I saw someone standing in the corner, their back to me, BLAIR WITCH-style.

I zoomed in, and the person didn't move, just standing there in the corner, like the end of that terrible, terrible film.  "What the fudge?" I might have said aloud.

I kept watching, hoping to understand what I was seeing.  And eventually, I did.  Turns out, the woman was using the outlet there to charge her phone, but was also looking at it.  

What fun.

Marshal & I Face A Terror From Beyond Space

Once again, Marshal Latham and I have reviewed an old movie, this one 1958's IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE on the Outfield Excursions show over at Journey Into...

This was not a great movie, but it did influence Ridley Scott's ALIEN (along with Mario Bava's PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES), and tells the story of the first manned expedition to Mars, which encounters a deadly alien life form, which naturally stows away on the rescue ship.

Check out our review HERE.

Not To Fifty!

Early this summer, I got it into my sick head that I would record Fake Sean Connery either quoting a dozen or so movies, or quoting a dozen or so pop songs, and post them every so often on his Instagram page . . . to see if people had a good time trying to identify them. I picked half a dozen songs on the first day and recorded them up at the cabin, and did another half dozen the next week. And another five or so a week later.  I was having a good time.

By the time I started posting them, I had double the amount I had intended to do. Before long, I had recorded fifty of them, some easy and some hard. And I thought it would be interesting to count how many songs I had done from each decade (assuming the Eighties would rule . . . since, after all, the Eighties rule). Maybe that will be interesting to you as well.

1920s - 1
1940s - 1
1950s - 1
1960s - 4
1970s - 6
1980s - 19
1990s - 8
2000s - 3
2010s - 2
2020s - 5

To my surprise, I learned that Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon was released in the Sixties, not the Seventies.

To my further surprise, nobody out there gives a mechanic's lugwrench about my little endeavor. But I enjoyed it very much--so much so that I think I'll continue to at least one hundred, regardless of the apathy of any potential Instagram viewers/followers. Sometimes, you create art (or "art," in my case) for an audience of one.

I'll see you at the century mark.

Abbie and I Become Assassin's Apprentices

Have you ever read The Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb?  I haven't, but a fan of Abigail Hilton's books recently mentioned that her favorite books were those by Abbie and "The Elderlings" series by Hobb.  Abbie forwarded me the comment (since the listener said she was a fan of my narrations of the books), and I asked her if she thought I'd like the Hobb books.

Abbie said she thought I would, and wondered if I'd want to do a podcast where we read the books and talk about them.*  So, I went out and got "The Assassin's Apprentice," which is the first book in the series, and I started reading just as soon as I finished the previous book I was enjoying.**

If you too would like to read the book, then, hey, we could be brothers.  Or sisters.  Or heroes.  And if you want, you can hear the first episode of our joint podcast HERE (Abbie's page) or HERE (my page), where Abbie and I exchange questions and answers in a way that may be entertaining to you (but I make no guarantees).

Note: Abbie is very smart (or very educated, or both), and that can be intimidating. But I enjoy hearing about her breadth of experience or knowledge, and don't feel insulted if she has to mansplain something to me. I imagine we'll get tons of that as we go on with the books, especially since she has read them (the first three, anyway) before and I haven't. Of course, Abbie doesn't know that Alex McCrindle played General Dodonna in STAR WARS, so, well, you know.

*I initially misrememebered ME being the one who suggested we podcast about it, but I was wrong.  As I was about spelling "misremembered."

**That one was Thomas Hardy's 1874 novel "Far From The Madding Crowd," which I honestly only read because they made a movie of it, an annoying habit I have.

Podcast That Dares 63: The Slizzers

Rish presents Jerome Bixby's 1953 tale, "The Slizzers." When his buddy lets his guard down at their usual poker game, Jerry discovers the man is not what he appears to be.

Guest-starring Big Anklevich as Fred!

Note: Episode 62 was for Patreon supporters only.  So there.

If you'd like to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

Come support me on Patreon HERE.

Logo by Gino "The Scissors" Moretto.

Marshal and Rish Stop By The AIRPORT

Though it seems like a long time ago, Marshal sent me a DVD with the 1970 disaster movie AIRPORT on it. He figured we needed more Disaster movies under our belts, and this particular film was the daddy of a bunch of them.

There are a couple of tropes we recognize in that Disaster subgenre, and you can find them here . . . along with the part that people most remember George Kennedy for.  Check out our review/conversation HERE.

Object Of Unknown Origin

This is another post from a while back that I abandoned once nothing came of it, but as I was deleting the photo, I decided to jot it down anyway.  For you. 

Look, Damien, it's all for you!

Since I am always late for work, I sometimes leave books to return or what I'm going to eat for lunch in my car, and have to go down to the underground lot at some point to retrieve them. Since I am 92% unsupervised (and that number is rounded down), no one cares that I do this, and one of the many times I went down, I saw an object sitting against one of the garbage cans in the lot.

But I didn't know what it could be.

It was a black cylinder about eight inches tall and five wide, with a white cover or lid, and a curious blue button on the top. It looked like nothing I had ever seen before, except maybe a grenade in a Science Fiction movie (not totally dissimilar to the charges Han and Leia used to blow up the shield generator on Endor's moon).

People lose things every single day at the public library, and people toss their garbage on the ground even oftener, but this might have been either . . . or it might have been something else.

So, I took the above photo of it, and I sent it to my boss with the message, "Any idea what this is?"

Almost immediately, he texted back, "Tent lamp maybe?"

"Ah," I thought aloud, and went back to my desk.

But a minute later, I got a call from my boss (he's Head of Security), asking where I'd seen it and if I had left it there. I told him I assumed somebody lost it, so I left it, but I could take it to Lost & Found, if he wanted me to.

"It's not that," he said. "I'm just worried that somebody's going to see it and call the police."

"But you told me it was a tent l--"

"Yeah, but I'm not sure. Did you pick it up?"

"No," I said, not adding that I was a bit afraid to do so, just in case it was some kind of explosive (we had gotten a bomb threat around this time when I wasn't there, and I'm typing this the day after my nephew's high school [and the one just north of it] got a bomb threat).

He said I'd better go down and get it, in case visitors to the library were freaked out by it.*

Once I'd picked it up and examined the object, I realized that it was a harmless portable lantern, and tonight, as I was typing this up, I discovered that there's a battery-operated lantern almost exactly like it right here in the family cabin (except the one here is even more bomb-like in its shape and coloring, sinisterly enough). 

Inevitably, by the time I get fired from this job too, I will have racked up several more experiences like this. Hopefully, at least a little wisdom will come along with it.

Rish

*That's not an entirely unlikely scenario--twice in the short time I've worked there, people have come up to me to report an item suspiciously left alone somewhere in the library, and I was told of an incident a couple of years back where the bomb squad was called in to dispose of a worrisome package, only to discover it was something utterly banal and inexplosive, but after it had been collected by a robot and pre-detonated in a safe container.

No, I Mean That Literally

You think your life is a dumpster fire?

Well, you and the public library have something in common.

The fire department visited my workplace today as a tossed cigarette started a surprisingly-large fire in the recycling dumpster on the north side of the library.  

While waiting for the firemen to arrive, my coworker Abe ran out and pulled the flaming representation of the Michael Bay Transformers movies away from the building, where it quickly melted the entire container into a bubbling, stinking puddle of charred filth (see also, THE REVENGE OF THE FALLEN).

It did create quite a smell, and the entry doors are propped open as we speak to air out the building (though I can't say if *opening* the doors when the fire was outside makes scientific sense to me).  I can't say that I participated in putting out the fire in any way, but I did take a picture, and made three or four lame jokes about dumpster fires.

Oh, add this one to the list.