If I Was A Ghost, Would I Tell You?

I meant to blog about this months ago, but it seemed so unimportant.  But here we are, at the end of summer . . . and it's even more unimportant.  But I'm going to tell you about it because the library just put up its first Halloween event notice, and wouldn't you know, it has three ghosts on it.

So, because of weirdness, I always go running at night, and I seldom encounter other runners or dogwalkers or crossing guards, etcetera.  But one evening, pretty close to midnight, I was doing my usual spin around the block, when I saw a dark figure at the end of the street.  They weren't jogging or walking, they were standing still as a tree, only the illumination of a nearby streetlight pointing them out to me.  I kept jogging in that direction, but they didn't acknowledge that I was there . . . or even that they were alive.

My pace slowed, which you'd probably think was impossible.  I was only a few yards away now, and the person--it was definitely a person--had not acknowledged me.

"Hey," I said, but the figure didn't move.  I was still moving, though, and as I got closer, I could see that, while it was a person, they appeared to have no face.

I got nearer and nearer, and I have to admit that my pace slowed considerably* and I began to wonder just what I was encountering.

Finally, just as I was passing by, I said, "Are you a ghost?"

At that, the figure moved.  He pulled back his hoodie so that he could lift off one of his headphones, and said, "What did you say?"

Nope, it was just a dude, who had been standing in silence, presumably listening to Chantal Kreviazuk or Cannibal Corpse.**  "Nevermind, sorry," I said and began to jog again, distancing myself from the stranger in the way we always do.

About a half a block away, I turned my head to look back, just in case.  The figure was gone.

No, that's not true.  He had gone back to listening to his Lil Nas X or Rebecca Black.  And I envy him that.

*As I was typing this, the lights in the Attic here at the library began to flicker, and I saw a woman standing alone in the room, looking around as it alternated between dark and light.  Turns out, they're having yoga classes in there tonight and another woman was testing out the lights, but for just a moment...

**Both are equally likely.

Rish Outcast 310: Judge Not

It's time for another sketch, guest-starring Bigglesby Anklevich! This one's called "Judge Not" and deals with a boss very pleased his employee is not the judgmental type.

If you want to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you want to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Fudge Not" Moretto.

Know Why I Pulled You Over?

Twice in a week, I have been pulled over by policemen.  The last time was in March 2020, when the pandemic was just kicking off.  On Thursday evening, I was driving home from Jeff's house (we had watched a Spanish art horror film from the Seventies and . . . well, that pretty much says it all), when a police car pulled up behind me and flashed his lights.  Often, when that happens, I assume they're after me, but they're really after someone else (conversely, when I'd speed and a cop flashed his lights, I often hoped they were after someone else, but alas) so I tried to pull over quickly, but safely.

I parked and took off my seat belt so I could get my wallet out, then quickly put the seat belt back on, worried that he'd think I was driving without it.**

I put down my driver's side window.  The cop--super-young, possibly aspiring to be a policeman when he grows up--came up to my passenger window and knocked, startling me a little.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked, and it was a good question, as I was sure I hadn't been speeding.*  

I could think of nothing snarky, so I said, "No, sir."  

He said, "I can't read your license plate."  

I thought that was odd, so I asked, "Is it gone?  Did somebody take my licens--"  

He interrupted, "No, it's still there.  License and proof of insurance please."

Well, I leaned over and opened the glove compartment, and grabbed the registration paper, but he said, "That's your registration, I need your insurance form."  Well, I have insurance, but as I had an accident a month or two back, I must have left it in the house when I was dealing with that.

I gave him my license and he then said, "By the way, I saw you putting on your seat belt just now." 

Now maybe I was impolite about it (I tried not to be), but I insisted I had had my belt on, but took it off for my wallet then put it back for the exact purpose of not being accused of not having it on.  "Uh huh," said the man, like I do when I hear people claim Trump's going to drain the swamp (or has already).

Maybe I overstated my case, because I promised him I had had it on, and have to admit that I wasn't pleased that he didn't believe me.

Anyway, he explained to me that there's a reflective material on license plates, and mine has faded to the point of not being able to read the number, then he went back to write it up.

I took advantage of the lull to get on my phone and look up my insurance information for when he came back.  When he did, I tried to show him, but he said, "It needed to be in a timely manner, sir," which sounded kind of like he thought I was a douche.

"Sorry," I said.

He added, "Oh, and you really shouldn't reach over the way you did when you get pulled over."

"Well, I was reaching for my proof of . . . never mind."  As soon as I said it, I knew it sounded lame.

"We don't know what you're reaching for, so be aware," he said.

"Sure, sure," I said, trying to sound like one of the good guys here.

Regardless, he told me I needed to go to the DMV and order a new license plate, one that was readable, and that he'd just let me go with a warning, on the assurance that I'd take care of it.

Honestly, I was just relieved about the insurance thing, so I thanked him and went home.

Hey Rish, you may be asking, why are you wasting my time with this?

To which I say, Is it a waste of time?   You don't like this blog post?

No, I'm just asking, why would you blog about something like this when there seems to be no good reason for it?

To which I say, Well, now I feel bad.   Do you really think it's a w-- 

No, no, I didn't mean waste of time.  I just meant you seldom write about things that happen to you anymore, and yet you spent the time to write this one up.

I did.  Yeah.

But this one doesn't seem to have a f***ing point.

Huh.

So, here's my point, basically.  That night, as soon as I got home, I printed out my proof of insurance, and made one for the glove box and one for my wallet.  Just in case.

And on Sunday, I took out the 8.5 metric tonnes of crap from my trunk until I found the other license place (the one that goes on the front) and I switched it with the old one, since it was still brand new (I also stuck the registration sticker on it, hoping it would stay on at least until next year's stickers came).

I went to the cabin for the day and came home this morning, and as I was emerging from the canyon, I passed a sheriff's department vehicle on the side of the road.  I was going too fast, as was the truck that was riding my hind end, presumably trying to figure out what my bumper sticker was supposed to represent.***

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" this cop asked me.  Well, I was pretty sure it was because I was speeding, but he'd also pulled over the pickup truck too, which I'd never seen before.  It may have been that he was pulling everyone over that came through the canyon, because they might not be aware of the zombie apocalypse going on in the cities.

Maybe they ask the question that way so that people will say, "I dunno, is it because of the baggies of heroin under the spare in the trunk?" or "Because you finally found out what I did at the synagogue?"

Anyway, in this case, he said, "Clocked you and the other guy doing 46 in a 35."

Ah.  Anyway, I got out my license and said, "Can I grab you my proof of insurance?"

And the cop said, "I don't need it.  If I want to, I can check to see if you have insurance."

Ah again.

Anyway, he checked to see if I had any outstanding warrants, then let both of us speeders go.

And that's it for my scintillating tale . . . unless I get pulled over a third time this week.  I'll let you know why he pulled me over.

*I wouldn't have said my car was capable of speeding until today, but that's putting the patrolman before the horse.

**My car, and I assume yours as well, has an ear-splitting beeping that goes off if you don't put your seatbelt on, or if you've got a box sitting on the passenger seat until you're about to lose your mind and you pull over, get out, and put a seatbelt over the box.

***It's the second Death Star.  You know, the one that was still under construction.

An Excursions Diversion

I was going on a run (unfortunately, I still do that*) and it occurred to me, "Jeez, I never have any content for my blog, so it would be fun to make a post where I list all the movies Marshal Latham and I have watched for our opposite-of-renowned podcast, The Outcast Excursions. I could even make a post citing the Genre we've done the most movies in, the Director we've covered the most, and the Decade we've hit most." But dang, I knew it would be soooooo much work, and I barely make time to write, podcast, or properly wipe myself as it is.

But when I got home, I remembered that Marshal had once created a shared spreadsheet for the show and I thought, if I could grab that and fill in everything since he last updated it, it would only take me an hour or so to find the answers. And to my delight, Marshal has continued to update it, even including the next episode not yet released.

So, in answer to the question only I gave a crap about . . .

Total number of episodes (counting our try-out episode [DUEL]):

44

Year most covered:

TIE (4) 1983/2014 (1983: SPACEHUNTER, SWORD OF THE VALIANT, SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES, KRULL) (2014: DRACULA UNTOLD, HERCULES, THE LEGEND OF HERCULES, THE GIVER)

Oldest film reviewed:

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (1934)

Newest film reviewed:

LISA FRANKENSTEIN (2024)

Most-reviewed director:

Alfred Hitchcock (6), which isn't surprising, since we try and do a Hitchcock film every year or so. Roger Corman is coming up quickly behind, though.

Number of movies by decade:

1930s: 1

1940s: 4

1950s: 4

1960s: 7

1970s: 6 (this includes the forthcoming OUTLAW JOSEY WALES)

1980s: 9

1990s: 0

2000s: 1

2010s: 8

2020s: 3

I suppose that means we'll have to seek out a Nineties film soon (perhaps 2014's POMPEII)(**).

Number of Video Game Adaptations:

1 (WARCRAFT)

Number of Horror movies:

15 (though it does include Sci-Fi Horror like PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES and THE MAN WITH X-RAY EYES)

Number of Disaster movies:

2 (METEOR, AIRPORT)

Most-featured actor:

James Stewart (because of Hitchcock)

Worst Movie Marshal Would Like Us To Review:

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE

Number of Sean Connery films:

3 (METEOR, SWORD OF THE VALIANT, MARNIE)

Number of Black & White films:

7 (THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH '34, THE INNOCENTS, THE THIRD MAN, CAT PEOPLE '42, NOTORIOUS, THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS, IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE)

Number of times we've watched WASP WOMAN:

Zero

Well, now that my blog post is finished, I'm not exactly sure what my point was. I suppose it was to mention that Marshal does good work over there on his Patreon and regular website, and that I appreciate his willingness to sit down with me and talk movies every month or so.

*It bugs the crap out of my mother that I refuse to go running until it's dark (though I probably run 10 or 12 times a year in daylight, not counting up at the cabin, when I'm all alone anyway), but I just seem to have a mental block/phobia about running while the sun is still out. Maybe it's that I'm afraid I'll be seen or mocked (which still happens a couple of times a year, the bastards), or that I just prefer darkness (matches my soul, I guess). Regardless, she's sure I'll be hit by a car and no one will see my crushed body as it twitches its last there on the road. Probably not the *best* way to go, but still . . .

**That was a joke.

Marshal and Rish Talk THE FANTASTIC FOUR

Were you one of the millions of potential viewers that skipped seeing FANTASTIC FOUR: FIRST STEPS in the theater?  Well, it's still playing in a handful of theaters, and if you want to hear Marshal Latham and I talk about how good it was*, then you might want to hear our review of it, over at his Comics Cave sub-podcast.

Feel free to check it out HERE.  And, if you ever wonder why we're so behind on these kind of reviews, well, go support Marshal at his Patreon, and you can hear them a wee bit closer to release.

*Complete with spoilers, unfortunately.

Warning: if you wait for the streaming release, Galactus won't be nearly as impressive.

Podcast That Dares 60: 30 Seconds - 30 Days

Rish presents Arthur C. Clarke's 1949 Sci-Fi tale, "30 Seconds - 30 Days" (later known as "Breaking Strain).

After an onboard disaster between Earth and Venus, there's only enough air for one of the two crewmembers onboard.  

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Dirty Seconds" Moretto.

The Sitter (Not The Jonah Hill Film)

 I went to a work party (VERY nearly typed "work Christmas party" there.  Weird) and got to interact with the other security guards all together for the first time.  We swapped stories--some of them embarrassing--and then I mentioned that in September, I've got a full day shift ahead of me, something I've never done in this job.  One of the guards said, "Don't worry about it.  The worst part is sitting on your butt for thirteen hours."  I nodded, but couldn't help myself.  "Well, you don't just sit there the whole shift, right?  I mean, you get up and do your rounds, stretch your legs every so oft--"

And he actually said, "No.  I just sit my whole shift.  Unlike you."  

Now my spider sense was prickling me.  "What do you mean, unlike m--"

And another of the guards said, "You get up and show people where the bathrooms are, help them to the ballroom.  We know how you are."*

I nodded and said, "Well, you at least exercise when you go on your rounds, right?"

And the first guy said, "No.  That's just you."

I couldn't come up with any kind of retort to that, except that I was reminded that, when I was first hired here, I was told, "You're a writer?  Oh, you'll get lots of writing done with this job."

It's possible I've been doing this wrong the whole time.

*He said it as though it was a wholly negative thing.  "Oh, you like to pretend your pillow is that girl you knew in high school, and alternate between making out with it and crying into it.  We know how you are."

Bad Luck or Dumb Luck?

If you had told me, at the end of last year, that I wouldn't even manage to put out one of my stories a month in 2025, well, I probably wouldn't have been surprised.  Disappointed, sure, but not surprised.  

But hey, here's what I managed to get out this month, a short(ish) story called "Slightly Used, Mildly Cursed."  It was born when, being too cheap to buy new floormats for my car last year, I went on Facebook Marketplace, and found a listing for mats that were "Gently used."  It amused me, because floormats tend to either get used hard or not used at all (what, do you suppose they made people take their shoes off when they got in the car?).  And I imagined other similar listings for floormats that were "Slightly soiled" or "Partially befouled" or "Mildly cursed."  And a story was born.

Big Anklevich too accepted my challenge to write a story about cursed floormats, and his tale is called "Pre-Owned," which you can buy RIGHT HERE.  My own tale, is about Jesse, a Los Angeleno whose ex-girlfriend suggests he buy new floormats, and he, being only barely less cheap than I am, picks up some five dollar mats that are both slightly used and "Mildly Cursed."  And from that point on, his luck goes south real quick.

Your luck may too take a turn for the worse, if you don't go to THIS LINK and buy the short story.

Okay, that's highly unlikely.  But no more so than me getting another tale published this month.

Rish Outcast 309: MagicClaw

Rish presents his 2014 claw game story, "MagicClaw." Two brothers discover the claw game at the convenience store is more than meets the eye. Play at your own risk.

To download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

To support my hopeless efforts on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "MagicBra" Moretto.

The Truth Nut

A lady approached my desk at work and, without any approbation by me, began to tell me of her time working with the sick and dying in Ecuador years ago.  I assumed she had worked with the Salvation Army or the Peace Corps or something similar, but she started telling me about all the people she'd seen with terminal cancer, and that it was actually the CIA that was injecting people with this irreparable cancer, linked to the Covid vaccine, and that it was created in a benign-seeming lab in Saskatoon (which I have to admit I chuckled at, because it's as funny a place name as Lake Titicaca or Toad Suck, Arkansas).  When I did, her feelings were hurt and she said, "I know I sound like a nut, but I'm a truth nut!" and started to cry.  I apologized, but she wandered away, presumably to look for watch for chemtrails. 

An hour or so later, I started writing this blogpost, and she came up to me again, interrupting.  She had written up a list of her references and the experts who were speaking the truth about the impending loom of transhumanism, and told me they were "not all from the YouTube."  I guess she was not offended by me after all, and proceeded to tell me all about nanotechnology and the secret tests being run on average citizens and her son-in-law in Edmonton who does autopsies ("but is not a mortician, he's the other thing") and can always tell the difference between a dead body that's been vaccinated and one that hasn't, because of all the irregularities and abnormalities in the corpses that were "jabbed."

She really had a lot to say, but I was a) afraid of hurting her feelings, and b) a little big curious how long she could keep her rant going, since I had already decided to blog about it.  And the answer was: 

I'll never know, because after fifteen minutes, I cut her off because I was late going on my rounds (and I was worried Abe on the other side of the building would wonder what was going on at the library entrance and call me).  She clearly had more to say, but seemed to understand and/or was used to being interrupted (and disbelieved).  She gave me the paper with her notes on it and left, and I felt bad . . . but did I feel sorry for her or sorry for me?

Rish Outcast 308: In Security 4

The mean man, Rish Outfield, tells more stories about being a library security guard, including:

1. The Vomit and the Unlucky Patron
2. The Guy Who Says That The Library Is For Everyone
3. "I don't know you. Are you new here?"

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "The Pee Wee Kiwi" Moretto.

Fake Sean Fakes The Hits

In college, I got a job--at least in part--due to my Sean Connery impression.*  And that's either been a back-pocket talent or a crutch ever since.  

Case in point: I've recently sat down (okay, most are standing up) and recorded Fake Sean Connery quoting pop songs for use over on Instagram, the account I made years ago and almost never use, where I wear a Connery mask and say stuff, sometimes profound, usually quite the opposite.

As of now, I have thirty-seven of the suckers recorded (though only thirty-six will be used), and I'll be posting them every day or so for the rest of the summer.  You may go over to Fake Sean's Instagram page if you'd like to play along.

In case you're interested, so far, the vast majority of songs have been from the Eighties (the absolute best decade for music, sorry, snobs), but I've tried to sprinkle in older and newer songs, just in case someone without a memory of paying double for New Releases happens upon the page.

And one of the songs I accidentally did twice, which I'll go ahead and post here, just for the novelty.

Hopefully, Real Sean would be stirred.  Not shaken.


*The owner said he called me in for an interview specifically because I put it in my resume under Skills.

I Perform "Dead By Night" on Tales To Terrify

I know I said that last time was the final story I'm doing for the Tales To Terrify podcast, but whoops, here's another one.  I was born without a spine, as you may recall.

This time it's "Dead By Night" by Edd Vick.  It's very short, about nine minutes long, so they bundled it with another story, "Janelle Is Still Janelle," by Donovan Thiesson.  In Vick's story, a young policeman investigates murders at a retirement home . . . in a case where stakes might be more useful than firearms.

Will it be my last?  The answer cannot be found HERE.  But you CAN probably find out if Janelle is still Janelle.

Rish Outcast 307: Like Stamp-Collecting

After going to two different comic-related sales, Rish talks about comic books, and a chilling prediction someone made.

Also, Fake Sean knows a special place where boys and girls can all be queens every single day.

To download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

To support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Likes Damp Collecting" Moretto.

The Creep In The Woods

I had to wait until today to type this up because yesterday afternoon, the R button broke off on my laptop* and I had to resort to Copy-and-Pasting the letter in my writing and not being able to Repeat Action in my editing, but you wouldn't believe a) how many times one Ctrl-Rs and b) how many words have Rs in 'em.  

Anyway...

I've mentioned it before, but my brother has one of those nature trail cameras he will often set up outside our family cabin, usually to find out where the badger keeps its den (the darn thing is smart enough to avoid most traps we set for it, but strong enough to bend the metal of the one that's caught it)(it's also small enough to evade our turbolasers, but that's beside the point).

I noticed that there was a dead animal in the trap outside the badger den, and thought I would look to see if the creature had come out at any time to try to get it, so I grabbed the SD card and took it inside to look at the footage.

It's got a motion sensor on it, and it only works when it sees something move in front of it, but this machine is a newer one that records video AND audio several times a day.  I saw a couple of deer walk by, several squirrels, and at least one large woodchuck, and--I think I've mentioned this before--I always imagine how it would be to see some kind of thing wandering around in the woods out there, lurching about in the dark, perhaps stepping up to the camera to investigate it.  What if it was a terrifying old woman with shining night-vision eyes?  Or a young, naked Rami Malek or old, fully-clothed John Malkovich.  How about Jon Heder in a corn chowder-spattered wedding dress?

But no, there was nothing explicitly terrifying . . . except that in the moments I had walked around the cameras, examining the traps and the den, you could hear me talking to myself, like a crazy person wandering around the park (or city library) or a character written by Stan Lee.  I couldn't help but wonder what my brother would think, when it comes time to watch the footage himself, but he's known me for decades, so the only person surprised would be me.

*It was SOOOO beyond time to retire the darn thing, but I kept using it out of stubbornness, despite it having about a dozen problems (from overheating to the sound going out to making a loud buzzing sound [the fan was broken, hence the overheating] to simply not wanting to boot up from time to time), since it was familiar to me.

Rish Outcast 306: With A Banjo On My Knee

Rish presents his story, "With A Banjo On My Knee," written for a Journey Into... contest, that, despite not winning the contest, he thinks is pretty good.

Garrett McClarren finds an old banjo in an alley and discovers that it has the power to soothe the savage . . . well, Los Angeleno.

If you want to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you want to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

If you wanna hear the original version, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "With A Ukulele On My Knee" Moretto.

Mystery of the Open Unit

(February 7th . . . move there)

Last night, after I got off from work, I quickly drove to the storage unit to retrieve two Transformers I had sold (they were Crasher and Blurr, since you asked.  Why are you so oddly curious about them?), and as I pulled in, I found an open unit a couple rows away from mine.  There tend to be open empty units all the time, because their owners have cleared them out and not bothered to close the doors, since (presumably) they're just going to get opened and inspected anyway.  But this one was not empty . . . it was still full of stuff.

I was pressed for time (twice I've been locked inside the property for staying later than ten o'clock--once it was literally 10:00 and the doors wouldn't open to let me through), but I paused for a few seconds outside their unit, shining my highbeams on the contents, wondering if someone was transferring the inventory to another space and had just left it open since it was night and no one was around, or if someone had accidentally left their unit open (which seems extraordinarily unlikely.  You see, the reason people pay so g.d. much for someone to store their stuff month to month is because it is valuable to them (presumably more valuable than the price to store it - though, in my mom's unit's case . . .), so even if you didn't have a lock*, you'd surely close the door, and hope no one would notice (which they wouldn't, I mean, come on).

Well, I saw a bunch of items sitting in the darkened unit, but nothing that jumped out at me enough to go in there at night and risk getting locked in the property and/or murdered by the madman who lives in the unit (he's in space 214, by the way).  I raced over to my own space, opened and grabbed the Transformers (they were the Walmart exclusives from 2022.  Why ask for all these details?  Are you interested in buying them?  If so, why did you wait until someone else did?), then left with six or seven minutes to spare.

I did sell something in the night (no, I don't remember what it was.  Do you need me to look it up?  Is it that important?), though, so I drove back again the next morning, hoping to get it packaged up and in the mailbox before the postman came.  But that abandoned storage unit was still open, still stocked, and seemed to have been untouched since the night before.  So, I parked outside it, and went to investigate. 

It had been cleaned out of anything valuable, but there were still several books, packing materials, a bunch of plastic containers, some clothes, and a little coffee table-sized shelf, along with what was surely garbage they hadn't felt like hauling off.  I opened one of the plastic containers, just to see, and it held a bunch of family pictures in it.**  Odd that they would be abandoned, but you never know the backstory on these things.  I found nothing of value--to me, anyway--and the only thing I took was a five or six foot stretch of bubble wrap, which I could easily use the next time I sell a Transformer (Um, okay, the series was called Velocitron 500.  They were in a blue package.  If you like them all that much, I'll hook you up with a deal, okay?  Just get off my back and let me blog).  I was again curious why a non-empty unit would be left open, but in a world where little makes sense, you can drown in the rising tide of How Comes.

But you may be asking, why did I share this stupid post with you, if you didn't find anything and nothing of interest ever happened (except for a reader being bizarrely curious about the overpriced action figures I sell, jeez!)?  Well, I can't help but think about what I might have found.  

Either something crazy-precious and costly, or something super-creepy and upsetting.  As I went on my run tonight, I thought there had to be a story in there, of stumbling upon something where I would spend the rest of my days regretting being curious and wandering into where I didn't belong.  Of course, in a story it would have been night, and I'd have had ten minutes (or so) before the gates locked, so I'd have had no qualms about peeking into the darkened unit to see what was in there.  And maybe I did find something valuable, something totally cool, and it caused me to lose track of time, and by the time I also discovered something disturbing or grisly, those doors would be sealed for the night.

And of course, the strange storage unit would not have been abandoned--the owner would have been nearby, perhaps disposing of a body, perhaps just getting more bubble wrap (so he could use them to dispose of a body).  You never know.

*Twice I have dropped a lock after opening the unit and broken the key off, forcing me to go out and buy another lock.  Twice.

**According to that Robin Williams movie, other than the family pets, the first thing a family would rescue from a burning house is their family photos . . . so maybe that movie was wrong?

Marshal And I Talk Season 2 of "Andor"

After a bit of foot-dragging, I finally watched the second season of "Andor," and just like seeing CITIZEN KANE, GONE WITH THE WIND, THE RISE OF CHUN-LI, and LAWRENCE OF ARABIA for the first time, I kinda had to shrug and say, "Yeah, it was as good as everybody says."

Whoops, guess you don't have to listen to me and Marshal Latham talk about it now over at the Star Wars: Delusions of Grandeur podcast HERE.  Seems like a bit of a waste spending all that time on the episode.

Marshal And I Talk About KRULL (1983)

A while back, Marshal and I watched KRULL, an ambitious 1983 Sci-Fi/Fantasy movie hoping to be the next STAR WARS.  But did STAR WARS have The Glaive?

Seems like a long time ago, but you can check out our review HERE.

Podcast That Dares 59: For The Blood Is The Life

Rish presents F. Marion Crawford's 1911 short story "For The Blood Is The Life." Drink up!

To download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

To support my vain efforts on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "The Stud Is The Life" Moretto.

Rish Outcast 305: In Security 3

Rish talks--at length--about a library patron suffering from mental illness, he tries to say "Who cares?" more often, watches Active Shooter Training, plays detective in The Case of the Stolen Backpack, and facilitates a proposal. And says "of course" a lot.

As always, you can download the file by Right-Clicking HERE.

And of course, you can support my Patreon by clicking HERE.

Logo by Gino "Out Security" Moretto.

My Voice On Jonathan Wilson's "The Hollows"

Jonathan Wilson is a really good guy, and waaaaaaay more ambitious than I have become.

 He has continued to write short stories and on occasion has me do a voice or two on the full-cast audio versions.  But he has also embraced the demon-fed technology of the day, and creates motion videos for his stories.  It's certainly not what I would do . . . but isn't that the beauty of other people?

Well beauty or not, here's his tale, "The Hollows," in which both Big and I lend our voices (though not our faces this time*) to the experience.  Teen Josh has been forbidden to hang out in the dangerous section of woods near his neighborhood, but his friends manage to get him out there.  Big mistake.

You can check out the video HERE, or, since it's on YouTube, I could just post it below:

*Dang, it is so weird to hear my voice (and Big's) coming out of the mouths of strangers.  But I suppose it's better than--(redacted for being too explicit, and worse, not funny).

Baby's First Protest

Years ago, when I worked in L.A., I heard there was going to be a faux anti-mutant protest as a promotion for the X-MEN movie.  I called up my friend Erik and bought a posterboard and made up a pair of protest signs (one was of Blinky the Fish from "The Simpsons" with a circle-slash through it, and the other said, "Do your duty, report a mutie!"--which I was quite proud of), and we went to the venue to participate in the protest.  When we got there, we were told that it was not a real protest, and only paid Fox employees were allowed to march in the parade.  It saddened me, and I swore to never raise my hand in protest again.

Yet here we are, twenty-five short years later, and I'm up to my old tricks.  

Because of the long-gestating announcement that Donald Trump was going to have a military parade in Washington DC to honor the 250th anniversary of the U.S. Army . . . that just happened to occur on his 79th birthday, an opposite event was announced: something called No Kings Day.  

It was organized to show criticism of Trump and his cabinet, and in the last few days got a huge boost as his administration ramped up their efforts to detain, arrest, harass, and deport as many undocumented immigrants as possible, focused specifically in Los Angeles, where the whole infrastructure is basically propped up by undocumented workers.  I don't have to tell you this, but Trump's birthday celebration could not have fallen at a worse time, at least as far as his general approval among Americans goes.*

My niece and her fiancé recently went to a rally in the capitol, where I could only listen to the livestream while going on an uncharacteristic daylight run, but I sent her a message when I heard about No Kings Day, and asked if she wanted to go to it.  Me not being near to her favorite uncle, I heard nothing for almost two weeks . . . but a couple of days before the event, she texted me back saying she was in.  It would be Saturday morning, starting at nine am.

I had worked the night before, and there was a lady at work who was talking about going and told me that, if I went, I should make a sign to hold up to the traffic that drove by.  So, after finishing my shift, and wasting my time going to Target, and doing my run, and eating, I sat down to make a sign.  I tried to think of a play on words, a pun on the word Trump or a rhyme with the word "Don," or his famous "I like people who weren't captured" statement.**

Ultimately, all I could come up with was to draw the Burger King mascot and put a circle with a slash through it (what I irritatingly refer to as the Ghostbusters symbol), and another where I wrote the words "So Much Destruction, Such Little Hands."

I should have made a third sign, since Cathexis's boyfriend was also coming, and ended up driving us there, but I'm not sure what I would've written on it (I'm still fond of the old saw "If You're Not Angry, You're Not Paying Attention"--one I could write up for next time), but when we got there, somebody handed my niece a "No Kings" sign, and now we all had one.

We drove to the middle of town, where the City Center is (and where my niece has recently started working), and the size of the crowd was unbelievable.  It was probably three or four times what I imagined, even thinking a lot of folks would be there.  People were very nice, patient, and seemingly happy to be there.  I saw so many clever, funny, or incendiary signs, and discovered that everybody had their own thing they were outraged about, from climate change to bastardry, from  deliberate ignorance to Ukraine, from dishonesty to billionaires being in charge, from racism to Trump being a literal pile of shit, from criminality to climate change denial.

But the issue that the most people were up in arms about was the immigration policy.  The thing is, every single one of us, unless you're a Navajo or Shoshone or Ute, is an immigrant, or descended from one.  Because of the pioneer heritage of many around here, there were signs that pointed out that, if you're white, it's a legacy, but if you're brown, it's an invasion.  And "No One Is Illegal On Stolen Land," read two or three of the signs.

And man, the signs.  They ranged from barely-legible to artistically impressive, funny ("They're Eating The Checks!  They're Eating The Balances!") to heartbreaking (I saw two different Anne Frank quotations, prompting my niece to ask what I thought of Frank***).  There were several signs with scriptural reference on them, which kind of blew my mind because I--naively, apparently--simply assumed that all religious folks blindly pretended that Donald Trump was one of them, and were perfectly content with the ungodly things he does each and every day.

I saw a couple of signs that said "I have friends everywhere" on them, which I recognized as a line from "Andor," and probably means that I should edit the podcast where Marshal and I talk about it . . . soonish.

There were also many signs (and sign-holders) there in support of LGBT causes, which included drag queens and unicorns.  Somehow, in my lifetime, the pink flamingo has been displaced as the gayest of all animals . . . and that too makes me sad.

My favorite one simply said, "Chinga La Migra," which is a lyrical, rhymey way of saying "Eff the Immigration Police."

The elderly lady beside us had a sign she was waving that was probably the most decent and benign thing I saw that day, and I did my best Trump impression of him saying, "One nasty woman was waving a nasty sign that said 'Peace and Dignity For All' on, can you believe that?"

The crowd, despite being dangerously large, was calm and well-behaved, and there were (ring)leaders walking up and down the sidewalk with megaphones, telling us what to chant, and having us sing This Land Is Your Land, the National Anthem, America The Beautiful, and the theme song to Cheers.  Okay, not that last one, but it would've been very welcome.  Oh, and very out-of-keeping with what we were protesting against, there were people walking through the crowd offering free water, flag stickers, and (in one dude's case) Oreo cookies.

Any time someone heckled, gave us the finger, or threatened to make America great again, we were instructed to chant "We are peaceful, We are peaceful, We are peaceful," either to reassure the cops that were walking up and down the street, keeping an eye on everything.

It was a hot day, and my niece was trying her best not to roast in the sun (she vowed to make a sign that said, "It must be bad to make a ginger go outside and protest!" for next time), but people were accommodating and arranged themselves so everyone could get some shade that wanted it.  I saw a girl I work with at the library, but she never acknowledged me, so some things haven't changed.  Even so, it was great to be part of a community, and around so many people passionate about something.

When we were done, we walked around the whole gathering so we could see the signs we had missed (someone had brought a giant Very Hungry Caterpillar that said "Eat the Rich" on it), and then drove around the block so we could honk and wave at the folks just getting there.  In the end, it won't amount to much--those in power are just too powerful, and the groups powerful enough to actually make a difference are either apathetic or complicit.  But it felt good to stand next to others, to sing and shout and not feel alone, not feel like the outrage belonged to few, but to many.

See ya out there.

*Of course I don't mean that everybody hates what he's doing.  There are thousands--if not millions--of people out there all too eager to play Charlie McCarthy to Trump's Edgar Bergen . . . a reference so dated, only his supporters could be old enough to understand it.  And believe me, the crueler he and his policies get, the harder they become.

**Something like "I like presidents without felony convictions."

***"I love Anne Frank," I said, which seemed comprehensive enough.

Rish Outcast 304: A Group Hug Saves The World

After watching Marvel's THE THUNDERBOLTS (spoiler warning), Rish muses about the possibility of solving problems with a hug instead of a fist.

And Fake Sean tries his own squeezin, touchin, and lovin.

Download the episode by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE.

Logo by Gino "Group Slug" Moretto.

Brian Wilson - You Never Need To Doubt It

Many years ago, I wrote that "I may not always love you, but sure as there are stars above you; you'll never need to doubt it, I'll make you so sure about it.  God only knows what I'd be without you" were the most beautiful words ever written.  Not sure, twenty-five years down the road, if I wasn't right.

One of the first gigs I got as an extra in L.A. was for a TV miniseries called "The Beach Boys: An American Family."  I got to wear '60s clothes and have my hair combed/cut into an era-appropriate style, and play a fan at an early Beach Boys performance.  And between takes, I hung out (briefly) with the actors playing the band, asking them about their characters.  "I drown," proclaimed the one playing Dennis Wilson.  "And I just died," said the one playing Carl Wilson.  

I liked the Beach Boys' music, and to get paid to pretend to listen to them, while hanging out with the mom on "The Wonder Years,"* felt like I had made it.

Well, the Beach Boys DID make it--they're probably the greatest American band of the 1960s--with more hit songs that you could shake a surfboard at.  And Brian was behind it all, the chief songwriter, the genius with a shorthand that spoke to a great many young people about the ocean and fun and young love and excitement and California.**

Brian Wilson, founder and chief songwriter of the Beach Boys, died this week, at the age of 82.  There was a bit of fanfare, a few tributes, and at least one person expressed that "Finally, he is at peace," which struck me as unsettling, but yeah, the man had his demons.  His contributions to music can't really be overstated, though I do wonder if any young person alive today knows who the Beach Boys are.  If not, it's certainly their loss.

I probably haven't listened to Surfer Girl since my twenties.  And yet, while I stood by the library doors, waiting for everyone to leave, I surprised myself by remembering every single line from "Little surfer, little one," to "surfer girl, my little surfer girl."  And that's kind of amazing.

Brian Wilson had a ton of problems, and had burned a lot of bridges.  But he had absolutely nothing to do with their 1986 hit Kokomo, and that's a huge point in his favor.

Rest in peace, Brian.  Only God knows what music would be without you.

*During lunch, I asked Alley Mills if she minded if I called her "Mom," since my mom was a thousand miles away.  She said sure, and I said, "That must seem pretty weird to you," and she said, "No, I get that all the time."

**This guy may have done as much good for the ocean as Steven Spielberg did bad.  Whachoothink?

Weirdos In My Library

I had two odd experiences today that, because they happened on the same shift, I felt motivated to blog about.

First off, in the computer section, there was a man sitting at one who, as I walked by, gave me a . . . uh, you know . .  a straight-armed salute.  I found that strange, but hey, sometimes people do that.

But then he did it a second time.  Because the guy's a regular, I approached him to suggest that maybe he not wave in that way because it sort of looked like, you know.  But when I went around, I could see he was watching a documentary about Adolf Hitler.  I went back to my desk.

I guess I found it amusing enough to sit down and look for when he did it on the security monitor to put the image into this post.  Scrubbing though the footage, I found him saluting at timestamp 4:46:39  . . . but that wasn't when I was on my rounds.  So I ran it backwards a little.  Turns out, he did it again at 4:43:56, and at 4:43:50.  After five times, I stopped keeping track and closed the program.  It wasn't remotely funny anymore.

But not long later, I saw a young couple come in right before we closed, one with a camera and one with a bag filled with something I thought were ice cubes at first.  But as they went about their "business," I realized the bag held googly eye stickers, and I later learned they had been through the academy building and the parking garage before this, making their mischief.

Before my eyes, they proceeded to walk around, sticking them to posters and displays and worst of all, to the statue of the little boy outside the children's library.*  

It was the first time was ever sad not to be armed on this job.

But I did have pepper spray . . . 

At the end of my shift, I told my boss about the googley-eyed bandits, and he said that he had just spent a few minutes walking through the building, peeling eye stickers off walls and statues and photos of our donors.  Just like the Nazi-saluting library patron, my boss didn't find it remotely funny.

*The statue is constantly being used for selfies or photo ops, or kids will hug it or climb on it or kiss it.  But one time, there were a pair of ten year old boys who dared one another to rub their butts on it.  

P.S. I asked the janitor how often she cleans the statue.  And she told me, "The statue?  I've never cleaned it."