Once again, Marshal Latham and I have reviewed an old movie, this one 1958's IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE on the Outfield Excursions show over at Journey Into...
This was not a great movie, but it did influence Ridley Scott's ALIEN (along with Mario Bava's PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES), and tells the story of the first manned expedition to Mars, which encounters a deadly alien life form, which naturally stows away on the rescue ship.
Check out our review HERE.
Early this summer, I got it into my sick head that I would record Fake Sean Connery either quoting a dozen or so movies, or quoting a dozen or so pop songs, and post them every so often on his Instagram page . . . to see if people had a good time trying to identify them. I picked half a dozen songs on the first day and recorded them up at the cabin, and did another half dozen the next week. And another five or so a week later. I was having a good time.
By the time I started posting them, I had double the amount I had intended to do. Before long, I had recorded fifty of them, some easy and some hard. And I thought it would be interesting to count how many songs I had done from each decade (assuming the Eighties would rule . . . since, after all, the Eighties rule). Maybe that will be interesting to you as well.
1920s - 1
1940s - 1
1950s - 1
1960s - 4
1970s - 6
1980s - 19
1990s - 8
2000s - 3
2010s - 2
2020s - 5
To my surprise, I learned that Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon was released in the Sixties, not the Seventies.
To my further surprise, nobody out there gives a mechanic's lugwrench about my little endeavor. But I enjoyed it very much--so much so that I think I'll continue to at least one hundred, regardless of the apathy of any potential Instagram viewers/followers. Sometimes, you create art (or "art," in my case) for an audience of one.
I'll see you at the century mark.
Have you ever read The Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb? I haven't, but a fan of Abigail Hilton's books recently mentioned that her favorite books were those by Abbie and "The Elderlings" series by Hobb. Abbie forwarded me the comment (since the listener said she was a fan of my narrations of the books), and I asked her if she thought I'd like the Hobb books.
Rish presents Jerome Bixby's 1953 tale, "The Slizzers." When his buddy lets his guard down at their usual poker game, Jerry discovers the man is not what he appears to be.
Guest-starring Big Anklevich as Fred!
Note: Episode 62 was for Patreon supporters only. So there.
If you'd like to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
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Logo by Gino "The Scissors" Moretto.
Though it seems like a long time ago, Marshal sent me a DVD with the 1970 disaster movie AIRPORT on it. He figured we needed more Disaster movies under our belts, and this particular film was the daddy of a bunch of them.
There are a couple of tropes we recognize in that Disaster subgenre, and you can find them here . . . along with the part that people most remember George Kennedy for. Check out our review/conversation HERE.
This is another post from a while back that I abandoned once nothing came of it, but as I was deleting the photo, I decided to jot it down anyway. For you.
Look, Damien, it's all for you!
Since I am always late for work, I sometimes leave books to return or what I'm going to eat for lunch in my car, and have to go down to the underground lot at some point to retrieve them. Since I am 92% unsupervised (and that number is rounded down), no one cares that I do this, and one of the many times I went down, I saw an object sitting against one of the garbage cans in the lot.
But I didn't know what it could be.
It was a black cylinder about eight inches tall and five wide, with a white cover or lid, and a curious blue button on the top. It looked like nothing I had ever seen before, except maybe a grenade in a Science Fiction movie (not totally dissimilar to the charges Han and Leia used to blow up the shield generator on Endor's moon).
People lose things every single day at the public library, and people toss their garbage on the ground even oftener, but this might have been either . . . or it might have been something else.
So, I took the above photo of it, and I sent it to my boss with the message, "Any idea what this is?"
Almost immediately, he texted back, "Tent lamp maybe?"
"Ah," I thought aloud, and went back to my desk.
But a minute later, I got a call from my boss (he's Head of Security), asking where I'd seen it and if I had left it there. I told him I assumed somebody lost it, so I left it, but I could take it to Lost & Found, if he wanted me to.
"It's not that," he said. "I'm just worried that somebody's going to see it and call the police."
"But you told me it was a tent l--"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure. Did you pick it up?"
"No," I said, not adding that I was a bit afraid to do so, just in case it was some kind of explosive (we had gotten a bomb threat around this time when I wasn't there, and I'm typing this the day after my nephew's high school [and the one just north of it] got a bomb threat).
He said I'd better go down and get it, in case visitors to the library were freaked out by it.*
Once I'd picked it up and examined the object, I realized that it was a harmless portable lantern, and tonight, as I was typing this up, I discovered that there's a battery-operated lantern almost exactly like it right here in the family cabin (except the one here is even more bomb-like in its shape and coloring, sinisterly enough).
Inevitably, by the time I get fired from this job too, I will have racked up several more experiences like this. Hopefully, at least a little wisdom will come along with it.
Rish
*That's not an entirely unlikely scenario--twice in the short time I've worked there, people have come up to me to report an item suspiciously left alone somewhere in the library, and I was told of an incident a couple of years back where the bomb squad was called in to dispose of a worrisome package, only to discover it was something utterly banal and inexplosive, but after it had been collected by a robot and pre-detonated in a safe container.
You think your life is a dumpster fire?
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Rish presents a very short story he wrote a number of years ago for a match-the-image contest, about a boy who gets a strange visit from his brother in the night.
Then Rish talks about floating Danny Glick and the last time he saw A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984).
Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.
Support me on Patreon HERE!
Logo by Gino "Foreheads Up" Moretto.
A lot of the stories Emerian Rich writes for her podcast* have a female main character and female supporting characters. Sometimes, there's a dude who grabs one of the women's butts on the subway or tells her he's gonna kill her daughter if she doesn't give up the briefcase . . . and in those cases, she lately calls me to voice those guys. Everybody else, she voices herself.
But with this new story, "Wax Shadow," it's almost completely the opposite. This tells the tale of Josh Anton, up and coming star of action movies, who is gifted with a wax replica of himself, one that looks remarkably like him. But when Josh spreads himself too thin, the wax version decides to take his place for a little while, to help him get back on his feet.
I voice a whole mess of characters in this one, from Josh and his doppelganger, to his brother, to a talk show host, to a deliveryman, to an Action star from the past that lives down the block (Emerian did change the gender of Josh's assistant to a woman, or it would've been even more).
I tried to make Josh and his brother and his artificial twin sound similar, but slightly different to one another, and that turned out to be a real challenge (sometimes Josh sounds a bit KeanuReevesish, and that wasn't entirely my intention). I'm not sure if it's even apparent in the finished product, but I did try.**
If you've got the time, check it out HERE.
*It's more likely she writes them elsewhere and puts them up on her podcast, since she also publishes collections of them . . . like I oughtta do more of.
**Usually, I can alter the pitch or the accent or the age of the character so they sound distinct, but this one gave me way less wiggle room. By the way, when you were a child, did you have a Wiggle Room? I was always jealous of my friend Steven's Wiggle Room. It seemed so wondrous and freeing and fun. Until they found the bones, that was.
My nephew Kayden asked me what time I went to work on Monday, and if I could help him with his English project before I left. I asked him what the assignment was, and he told me he had to write a narrative story in the first-person that was at least 750 words and had to have a resolution.
He thought maybe he'd write about a court case with lawyers and a judge, and I asked him, "Do you know anything about courtrooms? Like, do you watch any shows about that sort of th--"
"No," he said, "you're right, that's a stupid idea."
I told him it wasn't stupid, but that he should probably write about something familiar, like school, or golf, or family, or fishing, or buxom young women that like to wear white t-shirts and suspenders in the rain.
He said, "Okay, sure."
I said, "Alright, what do you want it to be about?"
He didn't know. I strongly suspect that's why he wanted my help with it.*
So, I kicked several potential ideas at him, of things I knew he was familiar with, that wouldn't be too difficult to riff on (I may have tossed out that old chestnut "Write what you know"), and he picked a fishing trip with him and his friend and his little brother. It starts to rain on them, and his little brother goes back to get ponchos and/or umbrellas, so he has the keys, and they're lately locked out of the car because of that.
I gave him a couple of notes, feeding him a set-up that could pay off at the very end of the tale, but mostly letting him write the story. And I was surprised by just how hard that was for him, just how bad he was at it, and how not enjoyable this task was to him. It was supposed to be at least 750 words, and at the two or three hundred word point, he asked if it was okay to stop. We could resume work tomorrow, the day before it was due. But I told him we should push on through to the end, and tomorrow, we could do revisions.
The story, as I said, was about him and his friend and his younger brother going fishing, and they get lost in the woods, and then a bunch of wolves chase them ("bunch" is the technical term for a pack of wolves). And to my surprise, he chose to end the story with the wolves eating his little brother.**
It was a surprise because it's not something a lot of kids--a lot of normal kids, anyway--would have gone for. It instead seemed like something I would have gone for at his age. And a lot younger, if we're being honest. So, was that my influence on him? Was that him writing something he thought would please me? Or is it possible that this sort of twisted morbidity runs in the family?
To my surprise, he wanted it to end with his little brother getting eaten, instead of sacrificing his friend's life, or having all three boys escape. "Are you going to get in trouble?" I asked, "having it end that way?"
"I can write what I want," he said. "The teacher said it could be about anything, as long as it was long enough."
Well, it was long enough. I have to admit that I made matters worse, though, by saying, "How about nobody believes you about the wolves, but later, a farmer shoots one, and when he cuts it open, they find your car keys inside it?" He liked that idea.
I did a word count when we reached the end, and we were at 864 words, which exceeded the assignment. I saved the file (for once) and told him, tomorrow, we can read it aloud and make whatever fixes it needs, then he could turn it in.
But that didn't happen. The next day, he told me he didn't want to work on it anymore, and that it was only supposed to be a first draft anyway. So, I emailed it to him and he handed it in. And he got 100%, which felt pretty good.***
The next assignment was to do a polish on the story, to fix whatever notes the teacher had given, by Kayden said he wasn't going to bother, as he'd already gotten 100%. Now, I don't know if that means that there were no mistakes (there surely were), or that it couldn't be improved (it surely could be), but if the teacher didn't find anything wrong with it, the boy wasn't willing to put in any more work. So I guess that's where he's not a chip off the old block (do uncles have blocks?). At least not totally.
RBO
*I get that this sort of activity is painful drudgery to some people, but man, it's the sort of assignment I ate up in elementary school, junior high, high school, and college. In fact, I even thought it was fun walking him through it, though it was a challenge not to try to take over the narrative, or correct him when he said, "Me and Chris kept running as fast as we could" and such.
**Not just biting him, or killing him, or infecting him with werewolfism (the technical term for lycanthropy), but eating him.
***I had worried that the teacher would say, "Uh, no. You need to rewrite it so it has a more appropriate, positive ending." But who knows, maybe he thought it was refreshing.
I came into work today, and saw an unmarked brown paper sack on one of the benches just outside the library (where people go to smoke). I see abandoned items literally every single day* and often, they're clearly garbage that someone chose not to throw away, but other times, it's less clear. If it's something valuable, we put them in a little safe in the back and put a note on them designating the date and who found the item. If it's something less so, there's a big container/tub where items go for a week, then get transferred to a Week 2 tub, and after that . . . well, there's a farm upstate where the items are free to roam and play. And if it's food-related or simply trash, that's where I toss them.
Last year, Marshal Latham did a very bad thing. But what I did might have been even worse.
Over at the Journey Into... Podcast, he created a story contest once again inspired by the music of Journey. This time, though, there was a visual aspect to it all, as he fed the lyrics of each song into an image generating program. The song I was assigned was Faithfully, the one about a musician on the road, missing his lady love, and most certainly not mutant related.
 |
| Circus life, anyone? |
Rish presents Clifford D. Simak's 1951 Sci-Fi tale "Goodnight, Mr. James," where an unstoppable alien creature escapes captivity and only one man (or technically, two) can stop it.
It was also the basis for a 1964 episode of "The Outer Limits" called "The Duplicate Man," which only the Patreon version explores.
Warning: Distractingly noisy audio.
If you'd like to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
Come support me on Patreon HERE.
Logo by Gino "G'Day, Mr. James" Moretto.
This is the big one folks--the most significant thing I've experienced since coming to work as a security guard*--and hopefully, I tell it well.
So, in this episode, you'll hear:
1. The Patron That Was M-wording
2. The Sleeper Has Not Awakened
3. Rish Says Inappropriate Things About Minecraft Club
As always, you can download the file by Right-Clicking HERE.
And of course, you can support my Patreon by clicking HERE.
Logo by Gino "In Maturity" Moretto.
*If you don't count the time the poor man befouled his britches because the bathroom door was locked.
I meant to blog about this months ago, but it seemed so unimportant. But here we are, at the end of summer . . . and it's even more unimportant. But I'm going to tell you about it because the library just put up its first Halloween event notice, and wouldn't you know, it has three ghosts on it.
It's time for another sketch, guest-starring Bigglesby Anklevich! This one's called "Judge Not" and deals with a boss very pleased his employee is not the judgmental type.
If you want to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
If you want to support me on Patreon, click HERE.
Logo by Gino "Fudge Not" Moretto.
Twice in a week, I have been pulled over by policemen. The last time was in March 2020, when the pandemic was just kicking off. On Thursday evening, I was driving home from Jeff's house (we had watched a Spanish art horror film from the Seventies and . . . well, that pretty much says it all), when a police car pulled up behind me and flashed his lights. Often, when that happens, I assume they're after me, but they're really after someone else (conversely, when I'd speed and a cop flashed his lights, I often hoped they were after someone else, but alas) so I tried to pull over quickly, but safely.
Were you one of the millions of potential viewers that skipped seeing FANTASTIC FOUR: FIRST STEPS in the theater? Well, it's still playing in a handful of theaters, and if you want to hear Marshal Latham and I talk about how good it was*, then you might want to hear our review of it, over at his Comics Cave sub-podcast.
Feel free to check it out HERE. And, if you ever wonder why we're so behind on these kind of reviews, well, go support Marshal at his Patreon, and you can hear them a wee bit closer to release.
*Complete with spoilers, unfortunately.
Rish presents Arthur C. Clarke's 1949 Sci-Fi tale, "30 Seconds - 30 Days" (later known as "Breaking Strain).
After an onboard disaster between Earth and Venus, there's only enough air for one of the two crewmembers onboard.
If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.
Logo by Gino "Dirty Seconds" Moretto.
I went to a work party (VERY nearly typed "work Christmas party" there. Weird) and got to interact with the other security guards all together for the first time. We swapped stories--some of them embarrassing--and then I mentioned that in September, I've got a full day shift ahead of me, something I've never done in this job. One of the guards said, "Don't worry about it. The worst part is sitting on your butt for thirteen hours." I nodded, but couldn't help myself. "Well, you don't just sit there the whole shift, right? I mean, you get up and do your rounds, stretch your legs every so oft--"
If you had told me, at the end of last year, that I wouldn't even manage to put out one of my stories a month in 2025, well, I probably wouldn't have been surprised. Disappointed, sure, but not surprised.
A lady approached my desk at work and, without any approbation by me, began to tell me of her time working with the sick and dying in Ecuador years ago. I assumed she had worked with the Salvation Army or the Peace Corps or something similar, but she started telling me about all the people she'd seen with terminal cancer, and that it was actually the CIA that was injecting people with this irreparable cancer, linked to the Covid vaccine, and that it was created in a benign-seeming lab in Saskatoon (which I have to admit I chuckled at, because it's as funny a place name as Lake Titicaca or Toad Suck, Arkansas). When I did, her feelings were hurt and she said, "I know I sound like a nut, but I'm a truth nut!" and started to cry. I apologized, but she wandered away, presumably to look for watch for chemtrails.
The mean man, Rish Outfield, tells more stories about being a library security guard, including:
1. The Vomit and the Unlucky Patron
2. The Guy Who Says That The Library Is For Everyone
3. "I don't know you. Are you new here?"
If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.
Logo by Gino "The Pee Wee Kiwi" Moretto.
In college, I got a job--at least in part--due to my Sean Connery impression.* And that's either been a back-pocket talent or a crutch ever since.
Case in point: I've recently sat down (okay, most are standing up) and recorded Fake Sean Connery quoting pop songs for use over on Instagram, the account I made years ago and almost never use, where I wear a Connery mask and say stuff, sometimes profound, usually quite the opposite.
As of now, I have thirty-seven of the suckers recorded (though only thirty-six will be used), and I'll be posting them every day or so for the rest of the summer. You may go over to Fake Sean's Instagram page if you'd like to play along.
In case you're interested, so far, the vast majority of songs have been from the Eighties (the absolute best decade for music, sorry, snobs), but I've tried to sprinkle in older and newer songs, just in case someone without a memory of paying double for New Releases happens upon the page.
And one of the songs I accidentally did twice, which I'll go ahead and post here, just for the novelty.
Hopefully, Real Sean would be stirred. Not shaken.
*The owner said he called me in for an interview specifically because I put it in my resume under Skills.
I know I said that last time was the final story I'm doing for the Tales To Terrify podcast, but whoops, here's another one. I was born without a spine, as you may recall.
This time it's "Dead By Night" by Edd Vick. It's very short, about nine minutes long, so they bundled it with another story, "Janelle Is Still Janelle," by Donovan Thiesson. In Vick's story, a young policeman investigates murders at a retirement home . . . in a case where stakes might be more useful than firearms.
Will it be my last? The answer cannot be found HERE. But you CAN probably find out if Janelle is still Janelle.
After going to two different comic-related sales, Rish talks about comic books, and a chilling prediction someone made.
Also, Fake Sean knows a special place where boys and girls can all be queens every single day.
To download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
To support me on Patreon, click HERE.
Logo by Gino "Likes Damp Collecting" Moretto.
I had to wait until today to type this up because yesterday afternoon, the R button broke off on my laptop* and I had to resort to Copy-and-Pasting the letter in my writing and not being able to Repeat Action in my editing, but you wouldn't believe a) how many times one Ctrl-Rs and b) how many words have Rs in 'em.
Anyway...
Rish presents his story, "With A Banjo On My Knee," written for a Journey Into... contest, that, despite not winning the contest, he thinks is pretty good.
Garrett McClarren finds an old banjo in an alley and discovers that it has the power to soothe the savage . . . well, Los Angeleno.
If you want to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.
If you want to support me on Patreon, click HERE.
If you wanna hear the original version, click HERE.
Logo by Gino "With A Ukulele On My Knee" Moretto.
