So, this is Christmas, and what have you done? I guess what I did was a couple of podcast episodes, finishing a story that I thought was done two years ago, and this Twelve Days of Christmas thing with Fake Sean Connery.
Now, I've never plugged it before, much less linked to it, but during the pandemic, I created an Instagram account for Fake Sean, hoping to post inspiring content. That didn't last--does anything?--and I did go back to it from time to time when I heard a joke that might work with Fake Sean telling it.*
But toward the beginning of December, I got it into my head that I could have Fake Sean do the 12 Days of Xmas, and that I might have him tell the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, the greatest of all tall tales. And even though "A Christmas Carol" is not long, it was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long to do on Instagram, even broken into twelve parts.**
But I tried to figure out how to split it up evenly, and then I took the text, and tried to pare it down short enough to get it all on my dry erase board (which had sat in the trunk of my car for three years since I stopped trying to do pop songs in outdoor locations). And man, it was work to get each segment down to about four minutes (and in a couple of cases, Instagram didn't want me to upload even that much).
I had lost the original bald Fake Sean mask, and when I went to order another one, they were out of stock, but they did have one circa 1983 (looking like he did in NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN), which works, but isn't really Fake Sean in my mind. He needs to have a beard and be bald, I think. So I ordered another bald one from the UK, which was dirt cheap in itself, but the postage really shivved me.
And I discovered that it is really hard to see (let alone read) while wearing the mask. I guess I have a pretty big head, because you could always see my chin or my hair or my ears when I wore the mask--necessitating me putting on a hat the couple of times I had one handy. Also, I learned not to put the camera below me, but that it looked better at eye level or above me--eventually, I started holding the camera instead of setting it down, which tired out my arm after a while.
And it took a while because I screwed up so many times. I started out reading it without the mask, then doing a trial take, but soon I skipped the read-through, and tried to get through it in a single take. Inevitably, I'd screw up, and there was one where I did four takes before deciding I couldn't bear to do it again.
Two nights ago, I created a document for the final day (when Scrooge wakes up and finds it Christmas Day), and had to cut out so much content (it really should have been two days), including the great part where he meets the gentlemen from the start and they are not happy to see him, and the bit where he goes to his nephew's party and impresses the wife. But it took so bloody long that it was two-something when I finished, so I left it for the next morning (which would work better in daylight anyway). Unfortunately, I was awakened about six by the sound of my laptop restarting, and realized that that meant the abridgment would be gone when I went to do it. So I had to do the whole thing again, but it was far easier than the night before, because I was well-rested and had already decided what to keep and what to lose. And this one--the final one--was the only instance where I recorded it in only a single take, and was content to let it be.
There are no segments that are perfect, unfortunately, and I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist with my sketches and audiobooks, but it had all been such a monumental undertaking (shame that I didn't have someone else to do it with me, because it would've gone so much faster) that I couldn't achieve anything near professional-quality. But I hope that people take it in the spirit of the thing, and it pleases some stranger out there.
May Sean bless us, every one.
*I know there are literally thousands of jokes out there, but you'd be shocked--downright flabbergasted--to find out what percentage of them are actually funny. Maybe 8%. Just this week, I heard someone laugh at this execrable Christmas joke: "How did the Magi know what gifts to bring the Baby Jesus?"
"Because they were three wise men." (insertPicardfacepalmimagehere)
**Truth be told, I needed about fifteen just to do a bare bones, but complete, retelling.
