I have to get some editing done today. I have left it too long undone (I didn't get any songs done this week either--I started watching one the other day and turned it off in disgust).
And speaking of disgust, boy, I'm not in a good place today. I'm feeling down, and angry and incredibly worthless. Oh, that's not new, not hardly, but it's been a while, and honestly, the exercise I've been doing since spring has helped. But right now, that's far away from me. I just feel empty, and sad, and lonely, and like such, such, such a failure. All the sit-ups and jogs around the neighborhood and push-ups have all been for nothing.*
And I'm not blaming anybody here. It's not your fault, or my parents' fault, or God's fault, or her fault, or life's fault. It's on me. I could've done better, worked harder, been less lazy, made better choices, tried more, etc.. It's not a new sensation.
I remember that time, earlier this year, that I started walking up to a girl to talk to her, and like the scared fifteen year old I will never not be, I turned at the last second and slumped off in the other direction. How am I still that guy?
But hey, none of these feelings are new. It’s just been a while (and even that’s not true, it’s just that it hasn’t hit as hard as it did today). And tomorrow will be better, or at least has the potential to be.
"Even a housewife in Nebraska can sing the blues. Anybody can sing the blues."
--Janis Joplin
I need to just keep going, to work, to try to be productive, and remember that I can’t be somebody else, but I can be a better version of me if I really try.
Guess I will head over to the library early, see if I can’t get a few words on (virtual) paper, and improve my mood.
 |
| (this is supposed to illustrate how hope and despair can occupy the same space, but it hits me in a much more negative way) |
Sit-ups Today: 100
Sit-ups In November: 2326
I guess it's fair to say that I hit the writing as hard as I could. I got another new idea, this time for a sketch that may or may not be funny. If it is, I've got a part for Big and a part for Renee, and we'll see if I work on it again.
It's not that late and I've gotten all my exercise and writing done. I really ought to sit down and record another chapter or two . . . but I won't. Sorry.
Words Today: 1830
Words In November: 18,359
*Heck, I remember Big Anklevich, six months ago, saying that, "Hey, at least when you get the Coronavirus, you'll recover faster from all the exercise you've been doing." And then I didn't get it . . . like some sort of cuck.**
**Sorry, this is the first time I've used that word, and it absolutely doesn't work for me. There are certain words I cannot sell, and that's one of them. I've also never had a post script with an asterisk before.
No comments:
Post a Comment