The Toughest Man In The Afterlife

So, Chuck Norris passed away this week.  He was 86 years old, and was famous for movies such as THE WAY OF THE DRAGON, DELTA FORCE, MISSING IN ACTION, FIREWALKER, and THE EXPENDABLES 2.  Oh, and the very successful television series "Walker Texas Ranger."  Also, he actually died twenty years ago, but the Grim Reaper hadn't built up the courage to tell him.

In other words, beyond his career in action films, Norris had a second success in a series of entertaining jokes about how tough, cool, or bearded the man was ("When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."  "Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.").  I first discovered it in 2004 or 2005, and found it endlessly amusing ("There's no such thing as evolution, only a list of species Chuck Norris has allowed to live." "Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded gun . . . and won."), swapping them with friends in California ("Chuck Norris can divide by zero."  "If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars . . . he has more money than you.").

About a decade before he died this week, a gas station was built in town, and to celebrate its opening, Chuck Norris came to cut the ribbon and take photos with fans.  I was not necessarily a fan*, but I went anyway with my nephews, who had absolutely no idea who Norris was.  

Would they have been impressed to know that his tears cure cancer . . . but he unfortunately has never cried?

I've not seen a lot of his movies.  They weren't really my thing.  But dang, did I love to swap "facts" about him.  Did you know that when he left home, he told his father "You're the man of the house now?"

Still, all evidence to the contrary (the man had unsavory politics, was quite a limited actor, and sued the publishers of a book collecting some of his famous "facts"), he seemed like a pretty nice guy on that Saturday afternoon.  And I'm glad to have gone down there and gotten a photo with a beard so hard, it could not be chiseled into Mount Rushmore.

Norris wears a hat to protect the sun from him.

By the way, Norris once threw a hand grenade and killed fifty people.  Then it exploded.

*I could like him a lot less--my buddy Jeff hates Norris so bad he will not watch any movie Chuck Norris is in (or has expressed fondness for).  I guess Norris was Jeff's Vin Diesel.

Rish Outcast 323: Writers Conference Report 2026 1

The yearly writers conference that Rish goes to has come and gone, and somebody somewhere wanted an episode about it. Be careful what you wish for, son.

In this half, Rish asks "Am I arrogant?" He encounters the author of "Dungeon Crawler Carl." He attends a panel by a writer that hogs all the attention, he gets in a bit of a sticky situation, and he goes to a panel with a magical technique to improve your writing . . . or has Rish got brain damage?

To download the episode, just Right-Click HERE.

To support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by "Dungeon Crawler Gino" Moretto.

One Book Down

I just finished reading "The Royal Assassin" by Robin Hobb, and I realized a terrible thing: it was the first book I had finished in 2026.  It is March, and I have only read one book.*

There was a Saturday Night Live sketch years ago of a game show called "What Have You Become?" where the host (I think it was the German actor from Bond and INGLORIOUS BASTERDS) would ask each contestant, "What have you become?" and they would realize they had had all these aspirations, all these dreams they had once pursued, and now . . . they were nothing.  One by one, they break down in despair, then he moves on to the next contestant.  It was not a brilliant sketch (I vaguely remember the last contestant, who was actually happy being a stay-at-home mom asking the host what he had become, and he reacts the same way), but it seems relevant now.  

Because, dude, what have I become?  My sweetest friend.

I like to read, very much, and I work . . . holy R.I.P. Jennifer Runyon, in a bloody library.  But I don't ever do it, or hardly ever.  I probably read as much as I write, and you know how good at that I am.

I am partway through another book I have been listening to in the car, but it is a miserable experience, the narrator absolutely ruining the main character every time she opens her mouth, but because I'm two-thirds of the way through it, I am unwilling to quit on it completely--to admit defeat--because all I'd have to do is give it an hour or three more, and I'd have two books read this year.

I heard the other day that writer Dan Simmons had died (which is sad--he was highly underrated), and I told myself, "I ought to read The Terror again sometime."  But at the rate I'm going, that will never happen.  I never make the time to read new books, much less books I've already read.  

And last year, I told my buddy Jeff about "Dungeon Crawler Carl" when I was reading it, and he read all seven books in the series before I had even finished that first one.**

I guess it's not too late to try to do better--and I do tend to read for an hour or two every time I go to the cabin in the summer--but I suspect this is the worst year on record for me and reading. That being said, I just checked out a book at the library (a 350 page T. Kingfisher book), and I will do the best I can to get it finished in less than three months.  Maybe even two. 

*Plus, I wouldn't even have finished it not been a warm afternoon so I dragged a chair outside and read until it was too dark to see anymore, then forced myself to finish it before I did anything else (otherwise, it might even have been April).

**Now, that's not to say I should compare myself to Jeff in all things.  After all, he reads two or more books a week.  Also, he is planning to retire within two years, and I plan to die penniless (and soon).  

Podcast That Dares 68: The Number Thirteen

Rish presents M.R. James's 1904 spooky story, "The Number Thirteen." A historian in Denmark stays in Room 12 of the local inn . . . but who is in Room 13? And is there even a Room 13?

Rish then talks and talks about the ending of the story (and so should you).

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Thirteen Ain't Nothin But A Number" Moretto.

Sidekick Chart 4

The last day of the month was a Saturday, and luckily, most of my family had gone out of town.  I had the choice between trying to write at the library, or sitting down and recording a chapter or two of my novella, "A Sidekick To Miracles."  I chose the recording, mostly because it was the end of the month and I'd have to admit defeat on my Patreon address (again), and I already had failed in my exercise goal for the first time in years, so I sat down and checked my recorder.  I had just under five hours of recording time left.

I did Chapter 5, then Chapter 6.  I thought about quitting then, because I had done alright and I could raise the red in the bottle.  But I still had space to record, so I went on to Chapter 7.  Then there hit a point where, despite my lofty insecurities about my own writing abilities, the story started getting really good.  I did Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 without taking a break.

I checked, and I had forty minutes left of space to record, so I continued until that time was gone.  And then I deleted a couple of files so I could keep recording.  I ended up going all the way to the end and was delighted to discover that I was getting a chance to voice an adult Ben Parks (something I've never done, and even forgotten I had written).  The story, while not perfect, and not even great, is at least good, and I can rest from my labors knowing I actually accomplished something I had set out to do.

For once.

P.S.  Okay, okay, I didn't accomplish the sample part, but that's for editing audio anyway, so eff you.

Hit Me With Your Best Aught

If you were unfortunate to have seen my recent post about having a hundred Fake Sean Connery song quote videos over at Instagram, you may have observed that the decade of the 00s (or Aughts, as people smarter than me sometimes call them) had been practically ignored.

I figured I would try to remedy that, so I went online and looked up the biggest hits (on Billboard) for those years, and yikes, what awful, awful songs.*  I guess it's not a wonder that I started listening to talk radio, Oldies, and--gasp!--Country music during that era.

I also looked up Rolling Stone magazine's list of the Top 200 songs of the 2000s, and while I only recognized a fraction of those, there were a bunch more tracks I would consider "good" on that list (my impression from the Billboard list is that relatively few hit songs made it to Number 1, then hung on to the top spot of a while, hence there's not as much variety there.**  And out of curiosity, I checked and "A Bar Song" by Shaboozey is the current record-holder with nineteen weeks at the top).

My point is, I'd like to do more songs from that decade, but I found maybe one single song I liked enough to feature.  Do you have songs from the 2000s that Fake Sean could quote?  Let me know in the comments, or if I have already passed by the time you read this, via Ouija board.

P.S.  No, the Shaboozey song is not TECHNICALLY the longest-running Number 1 on Billboard, but don't be a "Well, ackshually" guy.  You're better than that.

*That is, when I even recognized them.    

**And what they claim to have been the biggest hit of the year 2000--"Breathe" by Faith Hill--never actually made it to Number 1.

Rish Outcast 322: The Dark Gift 2

Finishing the presentation of "The Dark Gift." Thanks to you. People are finally starting to notice Nobie Miller . . . a lot of people at the Pickle Days carnival. And they're noticing her a lot.

Rish goes to a pretty dark place (no pun intended) with the discussion afterward, but also explains the main character's ridiculous name (still not as bad as the majority of Gen Z names are--Braxton, Oakley, Addison, Jaiden, and Rayleigh--I'm looking at you).

Warning: Wilson Phillips.

Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE!

Logo by Gino "The Slightly-Tanned Gift" Moretto.

Ghostwatch '26 Update

Spoiler here--still no ghosts.

I was told that the library was haunted, oh, probably three years ago (the librarian that told me it was "totally haunted" no longer works here), and I've kept my eyes open ever since.  No ghosts so far.

Tonight, there was a woman, however, standing completely still in the hallway.*  When I zoomed in on the image, I saw that she had empty sockets where her eyes should be.

Other than that, it's hardly worth mentioning (she's not dressed in an old-fashioned or ghost-like way), and she's not scary in the slightest . . . so why am I mentioning it?  I don't know, I just like to type blog posts when I'm here at work, and I imagine people (or person) out there like them.

The thing is, there are a couple of high-definition cameras here in the library, where you can zoom in and get facial details or license plates, but most of them are just low-def video cameras that get more and more pixelated as you enhance the image.  And because of that, I've seen several people that have empty eye sockets or gaping black Edvard Munch mouths.  I just don't bother writing about it anymore.  

But if I ever see a woman with long flowing hair and a wispy white dress blowing in a non-existent breeze pointing her finger at me in a silent accusatory scream, I'll be sure to let you know.

I realize this image isn't great, but I kept it because the hand is on the wrong side.  VERY common with ghosts.

*Sometimes--okay, nearly always--the video readout glitches and the images are momentarily frozen, so people will appear or disappear as the footage catches up with realtime, but this was just a woman standing there, thinking or listening to music or ____.  

My Voice In "Manor Of Frights" Collection

I often mention it when I narrate or lend my voice to a story on other podcasts, but I suppose I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Emerian Rich has recently put out a collection of stories that she performed on the HorrorAddicts podcast, many of which feature my voice as well.

The collection includes (at least as far as I can tell) seventeen stories, each taking place in a room of a macabre Victorian manor, and are as follows:

Flowers in the Foyer by DW Milton
Storage by Ollie Fox
Bye, Baby Bunting by Leslie Warren

Withered Bindings by Michael Fassbender
Dinner Guests by Emerian Rich
A Green Thumb by Daphne Strasert
Turning Pages by Mark Orr

A Fresh Start by D.J. Pitsiladis
The Living Room by Amanda Leslie
Lanai by BF Vega
Cacophony by Judith Pancoast
Nightbears by Loren Rhodes
Beyond the Ensuite by Barend Nieuwstraten III (I remember reading this one and thinking, "What the devil's an ensuite?"  Oh, I was so naive in those days.  But I still don't know)
The Desiccated Heart by Sumiko Saulson
A Study in Terror by Jason Fischer
Come Find Me, Mummy by Rosetta Yorke
Missing by R.L. Merrill

Emz put these out where you can buy the whole collection in audio, and it's now up on Audible HERE.  Just pray the doors don't lock behind you.

Sidekick Chart 3

It's practically the end of the month, and it seems clear I will not make my goal of finishing "A Sidekick To Miracles," even though it was totally doable.

The problem is, writing is hard.  And rewriting is, if not just as hard, probably less enjoyable, and that makes it just as difficult.  I have had several opportunities to get to work on the audiobook this month, and have found an excuse not to nearly every single time.

Today, though, I found myself alone in the house for a few minutes, and I forced myself to sit down and at least finish Chapter 3.  It took approximately five times longer than it should have, which is not great, but also not the worst I've done on one of these.  And then, after my run tonight, I did Chapter 4 (which is barely a chapter, and still took twenty-something minutes).

So, here's where our bottle stands as of now (great, it is not):

You may think I'm doing better than last time, at least as far as the bottle goes . . . and you'd be right.  Last time, I thought there were fifteen chapters in the book, but there are only thirteen.  So it looks like I've made much better progress than I have.

Marshal & Rish Bury . . . The Living??

I remember watching I BURY THE LIVING! at the family cabin alone on a Sunday afternoon last fall.  It's a 1958 horror film about a man (Richard Boone) hired to work at a cemetery with a big map of all the burial plots who discovers that, when he puts a pin in a space, the person who owns that plot dies.  Or do they?

Okay, I'll be honest: until today, I had completely forgotten we had watched this movie, and had it confused with the Daisy Ridley zombie flick that came out a month back.  But not too long ago, Marshal Latham and I did an episode talking about it, and I even did a whole separate podcast episode inspired by it, talking about Stephen King's "Obits," which was also inspired by it.

Maybe you'll be inspired too.  Check it out HERE.