I'm Not A Smart Man, But I Know What CHUD Is

On Saturday, at the third No Kings protest, there were many, many amusing signs.  My favorite of these was an image of Frodo Baggins grasping the One Ring, only with Donald Trump's face over his, along with the caption "I will take the ring to Sauron!"

But while I was hanging out there, alone this time (my niece couldn't make it), I noticed a trio of teenaged girls, all with signs . . . and one of those signs had a familiar word on it.

A lot of the people at the protest were waving their signs around, but some only pointed them at passing cars (a lot of which would honk or wave their own signs back), but this girl kept hers where it was firmly unreadable from me.  Finally, I approached her, and said, "Hey there, does your sign say Donald Trump is one of the CHUDs?"

She turned her sign to me.  I laughed.  You see, there was a horror movie that came out in 1984 where the ad campaign absolutely captivated me, to the point where my friends and I would talk about CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, mutated creatures that lurked in New York's sewers and subway tunnels) all the livelong day.  I finally saw the movie about three years later, and was wildly disappointed by it, finding it thoroughly mediocre.*

"A Chud is a--" the girl began, but I needed no mansplaining.  

"Oh, I know what a CHUD is," I said, and snapped this--admittedly imperfect--photo.

I went back to my place (next to an elderly lady with the profound and lyrical sign "It doesn't have to happen to you for you to care about it"), and eventually the crowd dispersed.  But as I was walking to my car (I had had to park four blocks away, despite getting a fairly good parking spot), it occurred to me that I should not have interrupted her.

I didn't know, at least in this context, what a Chud was.

Why didn't I let her explain it to me?  Then I'd have a blog post worth its low-sodium health warning.

But apparently, the word "chud" now means a repulsive or ignorant right-wing loudmouth, a reactionary troll, ie a basement-dweller, rather than the city sewer version.

And don't get me wrong, the word is still funny (I have always had a weakness for words that start with Ch-, such as chalupa, chunder, chingaso, Chima, the main character in CRANK--Chev Chelios, and the Argentine insult chanta.  I find them inexplicably hilarious), but I wasn't sure if it applied to Donald Trump or not.

But then, I remembered: Donald Trump is from New York City . . . home of the CHUDs.  

*In fact, for the past twenty years, whenever anybody asks me what movie I would remake, if I had the chance, the answer is always C.H.U.D..  Always.

All You Need Is A Miracle

Well, I've finally put out another installment in The Sidekick Chronicles.  When it came time to put a link to the other stories in the series (on the last page of the e-book), I discovered that there's only four others . . . and one of those ("Sins of a Sidekick") is not currently available (to you or me).

Even so, "A Sidekick To Miracles" is finally available for your scrolling pleasure. 

In 2018, I watched an episode of Rod Serling's "Night Gallery" that I hated so much I decided to podcast about it.  I bitched about its pointlessness and how there was a glimmer of a really good story in there but they chose to--and then, in mid-sentence, I came up with this story, "A Sidekick To Miracles."  I never used the podcast, for obvious reasons.

Ben Parks encounters a traveling snake oil salesman who tells him he's actually selling hope, and becomes his sidekick, however briefly.  Ben is young enough and naive enough to believe in miracles.

This is the image I liked back in 2024 enough to save it to one day use.

Is the story good, who knows?  Did I wrench every drop of potential out of that idea, probably not.  But was it worth doing?  Sure.  And is it better than the 1971 television episode that inspired it?  Yep.

I tried and tried to find an image I was happy with--
and poor Big created four or five of these for me--before I decided on this one.

But hey, don't take my word for it, check it out HERE.  

Rish Outcast 324: Writers Conference Report 2026 Part 2

Rish finishes talking about this year's conference. Look at me, Gino! It's all for you!

Rish talks about a writer who only managed to write one book in a year, about meeting a Disney director, about letting your subconscious work out plot details, tries to answer a couple of Marshal Latham questions, and what he has now decided is his favorite Disney animated film.

As always, you can download the file by Right-Clicking HERE.

And of course, you can support my Patreon by clicking HERE.

Logo by Gino "Biter's Conference" Moretto.

Rish: 1, Ghosts: 0

I haven't had anything to write on my blog in a little while (yes, I have posted, but those have been posts from January or February that I hadn't yet put up).  But something I haven't gotten a lot of complaints about have been my reports about brushes with ghosts.*

A couple of the crappiest cameras we have here are the ones in the halls downstairs and in the building next to us.  While that has proved problematic when trying to identify patrons or suspicious individuals, it does wonders for would-be ghost sightings.

Take this image, for example.  I glanced at the monitor and there was a shape standing on the west stairs in a long white dress, the kind nobody wears anymore.  Of course, she had no face.

Well, I've seen this phenomenon before--and haven't we all awoken on a Monday morning forty minutes before our alarms are set to go off only to discover that we have no face?--so I watched the spectre in question.  Turns out it was just a young woman, posing for photos, and color me surprised, she was not thrilled to hear that I had mistaken her for a ghost.

Between you and me, if you came up to me sometime and said, "Holy cow, I totally thought you were a ghost," I would take it as a compliment.  Also, feel free to sub out "ghost" with "zombie," "devil-worshiper," "Child of the Corn," "serial killer," "wereoctopus," or "pervert."

Apropos of nothing, ghosts often tell Chuck Norris stories around campfires.

P.S.  You may be wondering what the title of this post is all about.  To be honest, I couldn't decide if the ghosts should have gotten a point, with me getting zero, or the other way around.  Ultimately, I decided that I needed a win, just this once.

*Of course, I haven't gotten any compliments about it either, but whatchoogondo?

The Toughest Man In The Afterlife

So, Chuck Norris passed away this week.  He was 86 years old, and was famous for movies such as THE WAY OF THE DRAGON, DELTA FORCE, MISSING IN ACTION, FIREWALKER, and THE EXPENDABLES 2.  Oh, and the very successful television series "Walker Texas Ranger."  Also, he actually died twenty years ago, but the Grim Reaper hadn't built up the courage to tell him.

In other words, beyond his career in action films, Norris had a second success in a series of entertaining jokes about how tough, cool, or bearded the man was ("When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."  "Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.").  I first discovered it in 2004 or 2005, and found it endlessly amusing ("There's no such thing as evolution, only a list of species Chuck Norris has allowed to live." "Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded gun . . . and won."), swapping them with friends in California ("Chuck Norris can divide by zero."  "If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars . . . he has more money than you.").

About a decade before he died this week, a gas station was built in town, and to celebrate its opening, Chuck Norris came to cut the ribbon and take photos with fans.  I was not necessarily a fan*, but I went anyway with my nephews, who had absolutely no idea who Norris was.  

Would they have been impressed to know that his tears cure cancer . . . but he unfortunately has never cried?

I've not seen a lot of his movies.  They weren't really my thing.  But dang, did I love to swap "facts" about him.  Did you know that when he left home, he told his father "You're the man of the house now?"

Still, all evidence to the contrary (the man had unsavory politics, was quite a limited actor, and sued the publishers of a book collecting some of his famous "facts"), he seemed like a pretty nice guy on that Saturday afternoon.  And I'm glad to have gone down there and gotten a photo with a beard so hard, it could not be chiseled into Mount Rushmore.

Norris wears a hat to protect the sun from him.

By the way, Norris once threw a hand grenade and killed fifty people.  Then it exploded.

*I could like him a lot less--my buddy Jeff hates Norris so bad he will not watch any movie Chuck Norris is in (or has expressed fondness for).  I guess Norris was Jeff's Vin Diesel.

Rish Outcast 323: Writers Conference Report 2026 1

The yearly writers conference that Rish goes to has come and gone, and somebody somewhere wanted an episode about it. Be careful what you wish for, son.

In this half, Rish asks "Am I arrogant?" He encounters the author of "Dungeon Crawler Carl." He attends a panel by a writer that hogs all the attention, he gets in a bit of a sticky situation, and he goes to a panel with a magical technique to improve your writing . . . or has Rish got brain damage?

To download the episode, just Right-Click HERE.

To support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by "Dungeon Crawler Gino" Moretto.

One Book Down

I just finished reading "The Royal Assassin" by Robin Hobb, and I realized a terrible thing: it was the first book I had finished in 2026.  It is March, and I have only read one book.*

There was a Saturday Night Live sketch years ago of a game show called "What Have You Become?" where the host (I think it was the German actor from Bond and INGLORIOUS BASTERDS) would ask each contestant, "What have you become?" and they would realize they had had all these aspirations, all these dreams they had once pursued, and now . . . they were nothing.  One by one, they break down in despair, then he moves on to the next contestant.  It was not a brilliant sketch (I vaguely remember the last contestant, who was actually happy being a stay-at-home mom asking the host what he had become, and he reacts the same way), but it seems relevant now.  

Because, dude, what have I become?  My sweetest friend.

I like to read, very much, and I work . . . holy R.I.P. Jennifer Runyon, in a bloody library.  But I don't ever do it, or hardly ever.  I probably read as much as I write, and you know how good at that I am.

I am partway through another book I have been listening to in the car, but it is a miserable experience, the narrator absolutely ruining the main character every time she opens her mouth, but because I'm two-thirds of the way through it, I am unwilling to quit on it completely--to admit defeat--because all I'd have to do is give it an hour or three more, and I'd have two books read this year.

I heard the other day that writer Dan Simmons had died (which is sad--he was highly underrated), and I told myself, "I ought to read The Terror again sometime."  But at the rate I'm going, that will never happen.  I never make the time to read new books, much less books I've already read.  

And last year, I told my buddy Jeff about "Dungeon Crawler Carl" when I was reading it, and he read all seven books in the series before I had even finished that first one.**

I guess it's not too late to try to do better--and I do tend to read for an hour or two every time I go to the cabin in the summer--but I suspect this is the worst year on record for me and reading. That being said, I just checked out a book at the library (a 350 page T. Kingfisher book), and I will do the best I can to get it finished in less than three months.  Maybe even two. 

Rish

*Plus, I wouldn't even have finished it not been a warm afternoon so I dragged a chair outside and read until it was too dark to see anymore, then forced myself to finish it before I did anything else (otherwise, it might even have been April).

**Now, that's not to say I should compare myself to Jeff in all things.  After all, he reads two or more books a week.  Also, he is planning to retire within two years, and I plan to die penniless (and soon).  

Podcast That Dares 68: The Number Thirteen

Rish presents M.R. James's 1904 spooky story, "The Number Thirteen." A historian in Denmark stays in Room 12 of the local inn . . . but who is in Room 13? And is there even a Room 13?

Rish then talks and talks about the ending of the story (and so should you).

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Thirteen Ain't Nothin But A Number" Moretto.

Sidekick Chart 4

The last day of the month was a Saturday, and luckily, most of my family had gone out of town.  I had the choice between trying to write at the library, or sitting down and recording a chapter or two of my novella, "A Sidekick To Miracles."  I chose the recording, mostly because it was the end of the month and I'd have to admit defeat on my Patreon address (again), and I already had failed in my exercise goal for the first time in years, so I sat down and checked my recorder.  I had just under five hours of recording time left.

I did Chapter 5, then Chapter 6.  I thought about quitting then, because I had done alright and I could raise the red in the bottle.  But I still had space to record, so I went on to Chapter 7.  Then there hit a point where, despite my lofty insecurities about my own writing abilities, the story started getting really good.  I did Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 without taking a break.

I checked, and I had forty minutes left of space to record, so I continued until that time was gone.  And then I deleted a couple of files so I could keep recording.  I ended up going all the way to the end and was delighted to discover that I was getting a chance to voice an adult Ben Parks (something I've never done, and even forgotten I had written).  The story, while not perfect, and not even great, is at least good, and I can rest from my labors knowing I actually accomplished something I had set out to do.

For once.

P.S.  Okay, okay, I didn't accomplish the sample part, but that's for editing audio anyway, so eff you.

Hit Me With Your Best Aught

If you were unfortunate to have seen my recent post about having a hundred Fake Sean Connery song quote videos over at Instagram, you may have observed that the decade of the 00s (or Aughts, as people smarter than me sometimes call them) had been practically ignored.

I figured I would try to remedy that, so I went online and looked up the biggest hits (on Billboard) for those years, and yikes, what awful, awful songs.*  I guess it's not a wonder that I started listening to talk radio, Oldies, and--gasp!--Country music during that era.

I also looked up Rolling Stone magazine's list of the Top 200 songs of the 2000s, and while I only recognized a fraction of those, there were a bunch more tracks I would consider "good" on that list (my impression from the Billboard list is that relatively few hit songs made it to Number 1, then hung on to the top spot of a while, hence there's not as much variety there.**  And out of curiosity, I checked and "A Bar Song" by Shaboozey is the current record-holder with nineteen weeks at the top).

My point is, I'd like to do more songs from that decade, but I found maybe one single song I liked enough to feature.  Do you have songs from the 2000s that Fake Sean could quote?  Let me know in the comments, or if I have already passed by the time you read this, via Ouija board.

P.S.  No, the Shaboozey song is not TECHNICALLY the longest-running Number 1 on Billboard, but don't be a "Well, ackshually" guy.  You're better than that.

*That is, when I even recognized them.    

**And what they claim to have been the biggest hit of the year 2000--"Breathe" by Faith Hill--never actually made it to Number 1.

Rish Outcast 322: The Dark Gift 2

Finishing the presentation of "The Dark Gift." Thanks to you. People are finally starting to notice Nobie Miller . . . a lot of people at the Pickle Days carnival. And they're noticing her a lot.

Rish goes to a pretty dark place (no pun intended) with the discussion afterward, but also explains the main character's ridiculous name (still not as bad as the majority of Gen Z names are--Braxton, Oakley, Addison, Jaiden, and Rayleigh--I'm looking at you).

Warning: Wilson Phillips.

Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE!

Logo by Gino "The Slightly-Tanned Gift" Moretto.