February Sweeps - Day 14

Well, I'm no fan of Valentine's Day (as anybody who knows me--or ever took one look at me--would attest), but I did what I could to keep a positive attitude.

I feel like I've already said all this.  Is this real life?

This is a shirt I saw at Target.  I love dogs, so it amused me, and I went on my way.  But as I shopped, I couldn't stop thinking about it, along the same lines as how supportive girls/women are of one another, versus men.  Finally, I came back to the shirt and took a picture of it.

This is a really, "It's All Good," "Loud and Proud," "My Life Is My Own," confident, independent woman shirt.  A guy could not wear this shirt without looking sad and/or extraordinarily fat.  But if I saw a girl wearing it (no matter what she looked like), I'd think, "You go, girl.  You don't need no man to be complete.  If he don't love you any more, then march your fine ass out the door."

I have a couple of guy friends that don't like women very much, and one female friend that says that all men should be fixed with shock collars that 51% of the population have access to at any time (she also said they wouldn't be worn around the neck . . . maybe she's not my friend at all, now that I think of it), but this is an area where I feel women have a support system in place, and it's a totally good thing.

If a man is anti-Valentine's Day, I guess he's Prince of Losers.  But if it's a woman, then it's cool.  And I'm in her corner.  More on that later.

I had my writers conference today, and while it was fine and useful, my heart wasn't entirely in it.  Maybe you know how it is, but man, the day.  I was also pretty tired from scrambling to get that episode done last night.*  But I really did what I could to get a full day in, first going to my conference, then ducking out to get a bit of work done from the previous night, then eating, then writing a song (I sort of challenged myself to do it, and I hadn't written one in years**), then going to a couple more panels, then doing push-ups and going for two runs.

I skipped one panel and took a few minutes to write, working again on the Ben Parks story I started in, I think, late summer of 2018, but never--

Wait, two runs, really?  What the fuuuuh?

Minor tangent.  A lot of people who don't have depression or anxiety problems think it's great advice to say, "Just don't get depressed" or "Just don't worry about it."  And it's not as simple as that.  A lot of times, you would love not to think about it, love not to feel blue, love not to have those voices echo-chambering-around in your head, and if it was simple as choosing not to, of course you wouldn't.

But I could feel it the whole day, from morning on, like a backpack somebody had put a brick in, and every time I paused to reflect on the weight of my backpack, they'd stick another one in.  And something mental health professionals will tell you is that exercise releases endorphins, and that can make your brain chemistry change.  Okay, I have no idea what mealth hentalionals actually say, but I went to the park after the six o'clock panel and ran the stairs until I was good and tired.  Then I went to a couple of stores on the way home.  I ate some chicken and rice, edited audio for a half hour, and sat down to do this blog.

But almost immediately, I was aware that it was now Valentine's Day night, and I was going to spend the evening with my laptop.  And the horror of that fact (plus, my imagination of what everyone--and especially Her--were doing tonight) forced me to put my shoes back on and go for a jog again.  I installed some exercise app on my phone that keeps track of how far you run and how much more you'd have to do to get in shape (it's kind of mean that way), and I used it for the first time.

It didn't stave off depression entirely, but it really hurt (at one point on the stairs I started to get vertigo and lose my balance because I'd pushed myself too hard), and that takes your mind off things, at least temporarily.

After that, I had to do some real dollar-sign work.  I spoke to Big on the telephone, though, as he was driving home from work, and although he had little in the way of other options, I appreciate that he would talk to me for ninety minutes on this particular night.

Now, it's two in the morning, and I am typing this, wondering if I made the best use of my day, and if I have any chance of ever truly enjoying Valentine's Day.

I dunno, do you enjoy burying your household pets?

Words Today: 1702
Words Total: 20,107

(67% of Big's monthly goal of 30,000 words)

*On Wednesday night, I was super tired, and I edited one of the songs, and told myself my reward when I got it all done would be to let myself go to sleep, so I was very relieved when I finished the song, and hit Close on the audio editor.  Save Changes Y/N? came up, and I hit N, then went to slee--

Oh, wait.  What did I just do?  

Yep, I had hit No on Save Changes?  So I had to do it all over again the next day.  That sort of thing is pretty soul-crushing.

**Unless the "Everybody loves chalupas" song counts.  And it totally does.