Re-Evaluation /Third Time's The Charm

Recently, I spoke to a real Horror aficionado, a die hard fan, one who makes my admiration of the genre seem quite pedestrian.  He told me his favorite movie is THE THING (1982), but that PHANTASM from 1979 is high up on his list.  Now, I have never had a love for Carpenter's THE THING, though I can certainly appreciate its technical achievements and cool musical score.  But jeez, my memories of watching PHANTASM in the late Nineties have never faded, where Jeff and I watched it and disliked it so much that we never went on to its many sequels.  I have always remembered it as being both idiotic and confusing, both when I saw it as a child on television, and as a young adult.

But this guy absolutely *loves* Horror, so I asked the guy, "Can you help me to appreciate PHANTASM?  Because I never have been able to."  And he said, "Well, it's not for everybody.  But hey, why don't you try PHANTASM 2, which was made a couple of years later.  Maybe that will be more your style."

I mentioned it to Jeff, who has been watching a couple of movies each week with me, several of them in our favorite genre, and when we went to the library together, he produced a copy of the 1979 original and said, "What do you think?"  Well, I told him how I remembered thinking it was a dogturd the last time I saw it, but he reminded me that we watched SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT last month and that it pretty much kicked ass.  So, I shrugged and said I supposed I'd watch it with him if I had to.  I suggested we play a drinking game where every time Angus Scrimm said "Boooooooy," we'd take a gulp, hoping that would make it more enjoyable.*

Well, he also got a couple other movies, and I much preferred watching those to PHANTASM, but eventually, he proclaimed the time had come.  And I gotta say, I tried to find good things in the movie, such as the framing of a couple shots, a couple of angles of Scrimm staring or smiling, and the lovely--if repetitive--score by Fred Myrow . . . but it was few and far between.  There is the scene where the shiny ball kills the Tall Man's employee rather than its intended victim, and the gore and excessive amount of blood are pretty great.  

But that's a single moment, in a ninety minute borefest.  

It may be that, twenty-five years later than the last time I saw it, I liked PHANTASM even less than before.  And I have become far more tolerant of mediocrity lately than I used to be since, a lot of times, simply making a movie during the Golden Age of Slashers will be enough for me to give it at least two stars out of nostalgia.

Huh.

I recalled, both previous viewings, being horrified (in completely the wrong way) by how train-derailingly not scary the fuggin' jawas were, and in that respect, I was not disappointed.  But man, everything else . . .

. . . everything else ranged from mediocre to festering garbage.  It's all so slapdash and meandering, like when I was a kid and I'd get my friends together and start the camcorder up and we'd just make up whatever scene we were going to shoot on the fly, with no thought of where it might be going in later scenes.

The story is nonsensical, from beginning to wow, that ending, where is it all a dream?  Was it a boy's imagination coping with tragedy, which would almost be an effective ending if it were handled well, but then the Tall Man shows up and grabs the booooooooy and we roll the credits.

Hey, maybe something that I love you think is total dogshit (Big Anklevich tells me this at least once a month), but I pretty much had my evening ruined by watching PHANTASM again.  But Jeff helped out by saying, "Look on the bright side: you don't have to watch it again for another twenty-five years . . . and by then, you'll probably be dead."

Thanks for that.

*It didn't.  I believe the first use of "Booooooy" came at an hour and ten minutes in, and by then, Jeff's drink had gone flat, and was now room temperature--which, in Jeff's defense/condemnation, is approximately forty degrees Fahrenheit.

Life Imitates Art - Miracle Edition!

One of these days, I'm going to release my novel "Balms & Sears."*  The road goes ever onward, as they say.  And for nearly two years now, this photograph, taken by Nine Koepfer, was going to adorn the cover:

You see, the novel is about Alec Ewell, who from at least four years old, has had the ability to heal.  Over the years (he's fourteen when the book begins), he has used that power, which his grandfather calls Balming, to heal animals and people, to the point where he can bring an animal back from the point of death.

When I first saw Koepfer's photo, I knew that's the image I wanted for my cover: a dead or dying bird, being touched or held in the hands of a child.  And I still love that image.

However, while I was editing audio yesterday at the family cabin, I heard a sharp thump from the windows beside me, and as has happened multiple times, a bird had flown into the glass.  Sometimes, the birds are fine, but often, they break their necks or wings or spines, and I find their still bodies on the deck below the window.  Last time, there was a dead woodpecker there, and this time, I went out to check, and found a poor, sad gray and white finch or swallow (let me know and I'll change it) fluttering on the wood slats, an unsightly bulge in its feathers behind its neck.

I've watched them die before, and this one was surely a goner, so I picked it up so it could, I don't know, slip away in a warm hand, or pass away quicker due to panic in the clutches of a deadly predator.

It occurred to me that this was like my cover to "Balms," and I grabbed my phone and took a photo, thinking that it could serve just as well as a cover, not considering that a) the hands belong to a middle-aged dork rather than a teen or child, and that b) I couldn't very well hold the bird in my hands or touch it with my index finger if I had to hold up my phone to take the picture.

I set the bird down where the rays of the sun could hit it as it passed, and went back inside, just in case I'd better wash my hands (I don't know that birds aren't clean animals, but the fact that it was dying made me think I ought to, even though the cause of death was a shiny reflection).  When I went out to check on the bird, though, it had rolled over onto its legs, which surprised me, considering its injuries, and when I went out a few minutes later, the bird was standing up, and seeing me, hopped off the log where I'd set it, and ran to the edge of the deck, where it jumped off, and ran off into the brush.

Later on, when I was carrying my junk out to the car, I saw the bird in a tree, obviously recovered enough that it could fly.  So, just like Alec Ewell, and like Judd Nelson in an unsuccessful 1986 movie, I've got the touch, I've got the power.

*It was SUPPOSED to have come out in September or early October, but alas, Rish B. Outfield was involved, so no.

Not Quite Christmas, But Close

So, this is a post to promote my holiday story "The Day Before The Day Before Christmas," which is available on Amazon.

This is one of those stories--that I just can't stop writing--about a town with an odd belief or practice: namely, you're not supposed to drink soda on the 22nd of December.*  Visiting Uncle Jake thinks nothing of it, and downs a glass of Diet Coke, but discovers that bad luck befalls those who break this rule, at least according to his nephew and niece.

Yeah, another one of those, but surely not the last.  Feel free to pick up a copy at Amazon AT THIS LINK.

Often, I disparage my own work, because I can see only the flaws, but like "Newfound Fame," which I went through recently to re-format it, I find a lot to like in this story.  Would I go so far as to say that it is good?  Sure, why not?  It's nearly Christmas!

*Yes, Big, I understand that . . . but the entire story takes place the following day.

Podcast That Dares 52: The Man Who Collected Poe

I present Robert Bloch's 1951 short story, "The Man Who Collected Poe." Imagine the ultimate collection a fan could possess . . . what might it include?

Note: I mention the film "Torture Dungeon" a few times. The film was actually 1967's TORTURE GARDEN.  Sorry, boss.

Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE!

Logo by Gino "The Moe Who Collected Pans" Moretto.

Ready To DeadBring It On?

A couple of years back, I was asked to voice a character on "The Deadbringer," a Fantasy/Horror audio serial written by E.M. Markoff.  I played Eutau Vidal, the main character's uncle, who runs an otherworldly funeral parlor.  The segments were run on the HorrorAddicts podcast, but they've now been assembled as one full show, where you can hear all thirteen episodes in order, from sea to shining sea.

Anyway, check 'em out HERE.  Tell them Uncle Eutau sent you . . . if you can manage that.

P.S. Turns out I actually blogged about this two years ago.  Whoops.

Not-At-All-Bad Cosplay

Today, my cousin took a picture of me and a costumed fan.

I've got this weird aspect to my personality* where I will often see a person and decide which celebrity they sort of resemble (and sometimes more than sort of), and long to approach them and say, "Hey, if you ever go to a convention, you really ought to cosplay as ____."  

But this guy clearly has had that conversation before.

Pretty good Conan the Barbarian outfit.

P.S. It reminds me of when I was at the San Diego Comic Con where Hugh Jackman walked around the show floor in his full DAYS OF FUTURE PAST costume and makeup, and went unrecognized.  In fact, the only person that stopped him simply told him he was way too tall to pull off Wolverine, but nice try.

*I know, I know, only one among many, hardee har har.

Rish Outcast 287: Greetings From The Ninth Sector

Rish presents his 2013 Triple Word Score story "Greetings From The Ninth Sector." Try to ignore the centipedes.

Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE!

Logo by Gino "Undercover Brother" Moretto.

Don't Look A Dark Gift In The Mouth

Several years ago now, I was feeling nostalgic about the local carnival and city festival in the town where I went to high school, so I wrote a story about it ("Round & Round").  And I enjoyed it so much that I wrote another one ("Try Your Luck") and another one ("Father's Day In August").  Decades went by, and I wrote another one, this one inspired by a handsome douche lamenting that being attractive is what he refers to as, the dark gift.  Be careful what you say around me, or it'll wind up in a story too.

This one isn't really a nostalgia-fest.  Sure, it takes place in 1992, and I mention the music that's playing on the speakers (like I always do), but this one is a more modern story, and not at all based on experiences I had all those years ago.

A teen girl (Nobie), her brother (Grump) and his boyfriend (Eris) go to the Pickle Days festivities, and play a wheel of fortune carnival game.  And what the wheel stops on is something called The Dark Gift.  People like to be center of attention, and everybody wants to be attractive, but be careful what you wish for, kid.   

Check it out HERE.

As far as the cover goes, I tried having A.I. generate me an image of Nobie (basically typing in teenage girl at carnival that everybody loves), and this was the best one it gave me:*

Then I told it a couple more details, like that I wanted her to be dark-haired and that everybody loves her, and it came up with this:

So strange how different--almost opposite--those two girls are.

*The first one I tried created me a girl at a carnival, but in five of the six images, it was the same girl, with a tell-tale mole beneath her left eye.  I don't understand how the program does this--is there an actual girl somewhere that looks like this that it is stealing the image of?--but it's funny how much the image changed when I added "that everybody loves" and the genre).

They're Here Already! You're Next!

Yes, just a throwaway post about the Monster Cereals returning to stores . . . or is it?

Over on the Journey Into... podcast, Marshal and I have reviewed INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, the 1978 remake, and one of my favorite horror films.*

It's a familiar story: people are acting strangely, seemingly changed from their usual personalities, and two coworkers at the Health Department, Matthew Bennell and Elisabeth Driscoll, try to get to the bottom of it.   Is it paranoia, mass hysteria, a vast conspiracy, or just the fraying of our increasingly-insular modern society?

This is the version set in San Francisco, and it's probably the best movie we've reviewed on this show--almost nothing in it doesn't work, and it's filled with familiar faces, such as Leonard Nimoy, Veronica Cartwright, Robert Duvall, and Jeff Goldblum.  There's even an appearance by Kevin McCarthy, repeating those famous words from the first version (that I got my title from).

Check it out HERE . . . but only if you've already seen it.  After all, you're next.

*In fact, it might be my favorite remake of all time.  People are always making lists of movies where the remake is better than the original, but with the exception of THE BLOB (1988)--which I haven't seen in thirty-five years--I always disagree.  Yeah, I know.  But INVASION '78 is the only one where I have to nod and say, "Yeah, an excellent, excellent flick, despite how much I love the original."

Final Friday in December

Back in 2020, I wrote a whole series of "Dead & Breakfast" stories, set in the Noble Oaks B&B in Vernon, Idaho*, and one of them was "The Last Friday In December."  As time went by, I recorded the stories, one by one, and put them out for people to buy (or not buy).  But for some reason, I never published "Last Friday," even though I recorded it way back when.**

Anyway, this past week, I had the choice between editing my performance of either "Reply Hazy" or this one, and as I liked this story more, it was what I picked.  And I still like it.

In this one, Mason Bradley gets a phone call, telling him that he can be of use on the night of December 28th, and the caller is clearly not of this world.  He enlists Natalie Whitmore (the other night clerk) to help him, as the ghosts seem to have recruited him to save someone's life.

I know I'm not a good self-promoter, but you can pick up the story HERE.  Thanks.

*I saw this week that there's a Vernon, California (as well as one in British Columbia), but it's not at all related.

**Gino Moretto sent me a cover back in 2021, so I couldn't use lack of a cover as an excuse.  Is that your hand, Gino?

Not The M-Word!!

My buddy Jeff dragged me to the movies the other day, and I ended up having a really nice time.  However, I was even more vexed than usual about the trailers that played before it (and I recognize that I am pretty easily vexed).  Last year, we saw a couple of musical movies coming out with the ad campaigns hiding that they were musicals, but dude . . . on this particular screening, there were four.

First up was a TV trailer for "Agatha All Along," which holds absolutely no appeal to me except that it's a Musical.  But ah well, they don't care about me, since I've seen everything Marvel already, and ain't about to change no matter how much I loathed QUANTUMANIA and the villain in THE MARVELS.  But I get that the majority (if not the vast majority) of MCU fans are straight males, who are notoriously averse to see Musicals (especially the young ones, that most-valuable demographic, so they're not about to say, "Say folks, you remember the show about Wanda Maximoff that a lot of you liked?  Well, here's a show kind of like that, just with way more singing!"

Second on the roster was MUFASA: THE LION KING.  So, the first movie was tremendously successful, despite no adults liking it, and it was a Musical.  But why hide it for this second one?  I mean, it has an echoed line in the newest trailer that strikes me as a kind of beat poetry, if not an outright intro to a song, but still, heaven forfend you let people know that there are new songs by Lin-Manuel Fricking Miranda.  Perhaps you can no longer feel the love tonight, kids.

Third up is going to be trouble.  JOKER 2 is just weeks from coming out and they're still hiding its musical nature, despite them casting Lady Gaga as Harley . . . and why else would you cast a singer in that part?  I mean, come on.

But this one I at least understand.  The legions of outspoken, rage-fueled internet troll bastards that loved the first movie would absolutely refuse to see the sequel if they knew it was a musical, and the people who like musicals aren't going to want to go see a dour R-rated exploration of mental illness, especially after that joyless first film.  It is going to be like watching a train derailment when the film comes out . . . but the good kind of train derailment.**

And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention WICKED, which is simply baffling to me.  This was a new trailer promoting the flick that comes out at Christmas.  They played an orchestral version of Defying Gravity in the first trailer, and a bit of the lyrics in the second trailer . . . which will be a fun selling point to the fans of the play (of whom there are many), but Disney is clearly afraid of alienating the rest of us, that either aren't familiar with the play or loathe Musicals, like my buddy Jeff*.  And it's ironic to me, since Disney single-handedly kept the Musical alive during my youth (well, them and Andrew Lloyd Webber, I suppose), and has made billions of dollars every year from the audiences' embrace of those Musicals (yet, they consistently hide the songs in their animated film trailers, as though teenage boys would simply die of revulsion were they to know that Disney Princesses sing, and hopefully will continue to sing until the end of time).

WICKED is doubly-egregious because it a) could and should wear as a badge of honor that it's based on a hugely successful Broadway musical, and still cowardly hides it, but b) is PART ONE of a two-part film that, understandably, they are terrified of the world knowing, because why would anyone go see a movie that's been split in two?  That too will be very interesting to see play out.

So, I found it strange that it wasn't one or two trailers doing it, and if you don't consider "Agatha All Along" to qualify, then three is still a pretty shocking number to see either way.

Cue the music.

*Who was on the train to see WONKA last year when he first learned it was a Musical . . . from me.  He still went to the film, but very likely would not have had he known the true nature of the film.  Which, I suppose, totally excuses the dishonest ad campaign for movies like that and THE COLOR PURPLE and MEAN GIRLS musical remakes.

**There could be good kinds.  Maybe a derailment for a movie, or during wartime, or the kind where the people onboard the train don't believe in precisely the god you believe in.  You know what I mean.