One Book Down

I just finished reading "The Royal Assassin" by Robin Hobb, and I realized a terrible thing: it was the first book I had finished in 2026.  It is March, and I have only read one book.*

There was a Saturday Night Live sketch years ago of a game show called "What Have You Become?" where the host (I think it was the German actor from Bond and INGLORIOUS BASTERDS) would ask each contestant, "What have you become?" and they would realize they had had all these aspirations, all these dreams they had once pursued, and now . . . they were nothing.  They break down in despair, then he moves on to the next contestant.  It was not a brilliant sketch (I vaguely remember the last contestant, who was actually happy being a stay-at-home mom asking the host what he had become, and he reacts the same way.

But dude, what have I become?  My sweetest friend.

I like to read, very much, and I work . . . holy R.I.P. Jennifer Runyon, in a bloody library.  But I don't ever do it, or hardly ever.  I probably read as much as I write, and you know how good at that I am.

I heard the other day that writer Dan Simmons had died, and I told myself, "I ought to read The Terror again sometime."  But at the rate I'm going, that will never happen.  I never make the time to read new books, much less books I've already read.  

And last year, I told my buddy Jeff about "Dungeon Crawler Carl" when I was reading it, and he read all seven books in the series before I had even finished that first one.**

I guess it's not too late to try to do better--and I do tend to read for an hour or two every time I go to the cabin in the summer--but I suspect this is the worst year on record for me and reading. That being said, I just checked out a book at the library (a 350 page T. Kingfisher book), and I will do the best I can to get it finished in less than three months.  Maybe even two. 

 

Podcast That Dares 68: The Number Thirteen

Rish presents M.R. James's 1904 spooky story, "The Number Thirteen." A historian in Denmark stays in Room 12 of the local inn . . . but who is in Room 13? And is there even a Room 13?

Rish then talks and talks about the ending of the story (and so should you).

If you wish to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you wish to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "Thirteen Ain't Nothin But A Number" Moretto.

Sidekick Chart 4

The last day of the month was a Saturday, and luckily, most of my family had gone out of town.  I had the choice between trying to write at the library, or sitting down and recording a chapter or two of my novella, "A Sidekick To Miracles."  I chose the recording, mostly because it was the end of the month and I'd have to admit defeat on my Patreon address (again), and I already had failed in my exercise goal for the first time in years, so I sat down and checked my recorder.  I had just under five hours of recording time left.

I did Chapter 5, then Chapter 6.  I thought about quitting then, because I had done alright and I could raise the red in the bottle.  But I still had space to record, so I went on to Chapter 7.  Then there hit a point where, despite my lofty insecurities about my own writing abilities, the story started getting really good.  I did Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 without taking a break.

I checked, and I had forty minutes left of space to record, so I continued until that time was gone.  And then I deleted a couple of files so I could keep recording.  I ended up going all the way to the end and was delighted to discover that I was getting a chance to voice an adult Ben Parks (something I've never done, and even forgotten I had written).  The story, while not perfect, and not even great, is at least good, and I can rest from my labors knowing I actually accomplished something I had set out to do.

For once.

P.S.  Okay, okay, I didn't accomplish the sample part, but that's for editing audio anyway, so eff you.

Hit Me With Your Best Aught

If you were unfortunate to have seen my recent post about having a hundred Fake Sean Connery song quote videos over at Instagram, you may have observed that the decade of the 00s (or Aughts, as people smarter than me sometimes call them) had been practically ignored.

I figured I would try to remedy that, so I went online and looked up the biggest hits (on Billboard) for those years, and yikes, what awful, awful songs.*  I guess it's not a wonder that I started listening to talk radio, Oldies, and--gasp!--Country music during that era.

I also looked up Rolling Stone magazine's list of the Top 200 songs of the 2000s, and while I only recognized a fraction of those, there were a bunch more tracks I would consider "good" on that list (my impression from the Billboard list is that relatively few hit songs made it to Number 1, then hung on to the top spot of a while, hence there's not as much variety there.**  And out of curiosity, I checked and "A Bar Song" by Shaboozey is the current record-holder with nineteen weeks at the top).

My point is, I'd like to do more songs from that decade, but I found maybe one single song I liked enough to feature.  Do you have songs from the 2000s that Fake Sean could quote?  Let me know in the comments, or if I have already passed by the time you read this, via Ouija board.

P.S.  No, the Shaboozey song is not TECHNICALLY the longest-running Number 1 on Billboard, but don't be a "Well, ackshually" guy.  You're better than that.

*That is, when I even recognized them.    

**And what they claim to have been the biggest hit of the year 2000--"Breathe" by Faith Hill--never actually made it to Number 1.

Rish Outcast 322: The Dark Gift 2

Finishing the presentation of "The Dark Gift." Thanks to you. People are finally starting to notice Nobie Miller . . . a lot of people at the Pickle Days carnival. And they're noticing her a lot.

Rish goes to a pretty dark place (no pun intended) with the discussion afterward, but also explains the main character's ridiculous name (still not as bad as the majority of Gen Z names are--Braxton, Oakley, Addison, Jaiden, and Rayleigh--I'm looking at you).

Warning: Wilson Phillips.

Download the file directly by Right-Clicking HERE.

Support me on Patreon HERE!

Logo by Gino "The Slightly-Tanned Gift" Moretto.

Ghostwatch '26 Update

Spoiler here--still no ghosts.

I was told that the library was haunted, oh, probably three years ago (the librarian that told me it was "totally haunted" no longer works here), and I've kept my eyes open ever since.  No ghosts so far.

Tonight, there was a woman, however, standing completely still in the hallway.*  When I zoomed in on the image, I saw that she had empty sockets where her eyes should be.

Other than that, it's hardly worth mentioning (she's not dressed in an old-fashioned or ghost-like way), and she's not scary in the slightest . . . so why am I mentioning it?  I don't know, I just like to type blog posts when I'm here at work, and I imagine people (or person) out there like them.

The thing is, there are a couple of high-definition cameras here in the library, where you can zoom in and get facial details or license plates, but most of them are just low-def video cameras that get more and more pixelated as you enhance the image.  And because of that, I've seen several people that have empty eye sockets or gaping black Edvard Munch mouths.  I just don't bother writing about it anymore.  

But if I ever see a woman with long flowing hair and a wispy white dress blowing in a non-existent breeze pointing her finger at me in a silent accusatory scream, I'll be sure to let you know.

I realize this image isn't great, but I kept it because the hand is on the wrong side.  VERY common with ghosts.

*Sometimes--okay, nearly always--the video readout glitches and the images are momentarily frozen, so people will appear or disappear as the footage catches up with realtime, but this was just a woman standing there, thinking or listening to music or ____.  

My Voice In "Manor Of Frights" Collection

I often mention it when I narrate or lend my voice to a story on other podcasts, but I suppose I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Emerian Rich has recently put out a collection of stories that she performed on the HorrorAddicts podcast, many of which feature my voice as well.

The collection includes (at least as far as I can tell) seventeen stories, each taking place in a room of a macabre Victorian manor, and are as follows:

Flowers in the Foyer by DW Milton
Storage by Ollie Fox
Bye, Baby Bunting by Leslie Warren

Withered Bindings by Michael Fassbender
Dinner Guests by Emerian Rich
A Green Thumb by Daphne Strasert
Turning Pages by Mark Orr

A Fresh Start by D.J. Pitsiladis
The Living Room by Amanda Leslie
Lanai by BF Vega
Cacophony by Judith Pancoast
Nightbears by Loren Rhodes
Beyond the Ensuite by Barend Nieuwstraten III (I remember reading this one and thinking, "What the devil's an ensuite?"  Oh, I was so naive in those days.  But I still don't know)
The Desiccated Heart by Sumiko Saulson
A Study in Terror by Jason Fischer
Come Find Me, Mummy by Rosetta Yorke
Missing by R.L. Merrill

Emz put these out where you can buy the whole collection in audio, and it's now up on Audible HERE.  Just pray the doors don't lock behind you.

Sidekick Chart 3

It's practically the end of the month, and it seems clear I will not make my goal of finishing "A Sidekick To Miracles," even though it was totally doable.

The problem is, writing is hard.  And rewriting is, if not just as hard, probably less enjoyable, and that makes it just as difficult.  I have had several opportunities to get to work on the audiobook this month, and have found an excuse not to nearly every single time.

Today, though, I found myself alone in the house for a few minutes, and I forced myself to sit down and at least finish Chapter 3.  It took approximately five times longer than it should have, which is not great, but also not the worst I've done on one of these.  And then, after my run tonight, I did Chapter 4 (which is barely a chapter, and still took twenty-something minutes).

So, here's where our bottle stands as of now (great, it is not):

You may think I'm doing better than last time, at least as far as the bottle goes . . . and you'd be right.  Last time, I thought there were fifteen chapters in the book, but there are only thirteen.  So it looks like I've made much better progress than I have.

Marshal & Rish Bury . . . The Living??

I remember watching I BURY THE LIVING! at the family cabin alone on a Sunday afternoon last fall.  It's a 1958 horror film about a man (Richard Boone) hired to work at a cemetery with a big map of all the burial plots who discovers that, when he puts a pin in a space, the person who owns that plot dies.  Or do they?

Okay, I'll be honest: until today, I had completely forgotten we had watched this movie, and had it confused with the Daisy Ridley zombie flick that came out a month back.  But not too long ago, Marshal Latham and I did an episode talking about it, and I even did a whole separate podcast episode inspired by it, talking about Stephen King's "Obits," which was also inspired by it.

Maybe you'll be inspired too.  Check it out HERE.

Rish Outcast 321: The Dark Gift Part I

Rish presents the first half of his recent carnival story, "The Dark Gift." Nobie, Eris, and Grump are enjoying the 1992 Pickle Days celebration when Nobie spins a wheel and it stops on something it wasn't supposed to.

Afterward, Rish explains the title and inspiration--making this probably the only story he's ever written due to spite.

Note: This was not intended to be split into two episodes, so it might behoove you to wait and listen to both parts together.  Or, judging by its reaction elsewhere . . . not at all.

If you want to download the episode, Right-Click HERE.

If you want to support me on Patreon, click HERE.

Logo by Gino "The Dork Gift" Moretto.

Funny, You Don't Look A Hundred

Not too terribly long ago, I posted on here that my little Instagram clips of Fake Sean Connery had reached fifty installments (I don't quite dare call them episodes).  It was a little game I came up with where Fake Sean would quote a popular song, and those in the comments could try to guess it.

Well, nobody gave a Yeti's bunion about my little enterprise, but I enjoyed it so much, I just kept doing it, vowing to go to a hundred videos, come high or hell water.  And now, here we are, with a hundred of them*, and I wanted to commemorate it on here.

It could always be worse.

And, like I did before, I thought it would be fun** to count the number of songs by each decade, just to see how many Eighties songs I shoved in there.  There will always be more from the Eighties than any other decade, you understand.***

1800s: 1

1920s: 1

1940s: 1

1950s: 2

1960s: 9

1970s: 13

1980s: 39

1990s: 12

2000s: 8

2010s: 5

2020s: 9

Unfortunately, I discovered two doubles this time--"I Don't Like Mondays" was the 63rd video and the one I thought I was saving until 100th (whoops).  Worse, I noted that "Mad World" by Tears For Fears was both the 49th and 97th song presented, but instead of deleting it as I did "Mondays," I figured that one could be the Tears For Fears version (80s) and one the Gary Jules version (00s).

And now that I've reached the landmark one hundredth segment, should I stop?  

Oh, it's a rhetorical question.  I'm not stopping.  Try to stop me if you want to.  I checked and I still have seventeen songs recorded during my various trips to the cabin I've not yet used.  At the rate I've been putting them out, I should be able to start on new ones once the snow melts again in the spring.  Oh joy.

*Though I did substitute Fake Michael Caine twice the week of Christmas.  It's an impression that's not nearly as good as my Connery, but since no one was watching . . .

**Fun not guaranteed.  Consult your physician if fun becomes excessive or swollen.

***I recently saw a YouTube rant about a woman--middle-aged and nearly as pleasant as that tool who replaced Tucker Carlson on Fox News--complaining about having suffered through the Eighties once already, why would she ever want to listen to Eighties music now?  I quickly turned the video off, lest it give me AIDS.