Tradition, actually

My buddy Jeff has two traditions he follows every Christmas. One is that he and his wife go somewhere on Christmas Eve (or Christmas Eve-Eve) and buy each other a little gift. His other tradition is, after the presents have been wrapped and placed under the tree for the next morning, to watch LOVE, ACTUALLY with his wife together.

They do it every year, and I envy the hell out of it. There's only a handful of movies I love as much as I do LOVE, ACTUALLY, but not having a wife (or anything remotely close to one), my viewings of the movie are always solo.*

Jeff just emailed me to mention that they finished the flick--it was as good as ever--and he's now on to bed. So I figured I ought to at least TRY to watch it, now that I've wrapped my own presents for tomorrow.

I love something new about the flick every time I watch it, and laugh at a new line I never noticed the other times through ("He now spends all his time up in his room." "There's nothing unusual about that. My horrid son Bernard stays in his room all the time. Thank goodness."). I'm a pretty tough sell when it comes to movies (at least more so than everybody except my dad and Big Anklevich), but they've really got me with this one.

It would be nice to develop a couple new traditions--preferably non-solo ones--but this is one I don't mind repeating from last year.

Happy holiday.

Rish Billy Mack Outfield

*Which might be a good thing; after all, how attractive can a man be to a woman when he consistantly bawls throughout what is universally-recognized as a Romantic-Comedy? I believe they even address it in the flick, when Emma Thompson says, "No one's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time."

Santa Baby Jesus

The local Eighties radio station keeps playing this promo that sort of creeps me out. It goes, "Ho, ho, ho, kids! This is Santa Claus here, reminding you in this holiday season to remember the Baby Jesus. The Baby Jesus taught us to love one another as we love ourselves, and thinking of him will help us all to have a merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!"

I find this radio ad both vexing and extremely annoying. Look, I know that Christmas is a religious holiday, and that religious folks get upset that it has been secularized. But isn't Santa kind of the anti-Jesus? The representation of all the commercial and non-denominational aspects of the holiday? Isn't Santa Claus Jesus's Lex Luthor or Doctor Octopus? Or at least the equivalent of Toyman or the Shocker.

It may not be Israel and Palestine (as I have previously asserted), but that one holiday icon should be used to invoke the name of another holiday icon just seemed wrong to me. Despite whole church and state thing, it would be one thing if the station's general manager got on the air and told people to keep in mind that it's Jesus's birthday, and He's the reason behind all the hoopla. But to have Santa do it (or, more accurately, somebody pretending to be Santa) and telling KIDS to keep in mind that the season is about the Baby Jesus . . . well, I just have a problem with that.

Years ago, I knew a woman who would constantly pray to the Baby Jesus. And that just plain bothered me. Maybe it's all nonsense, or maybe it's just the thought that counts, but if Jesus was really the Son of God and lived like the stories say, then He sure as hell isn't a baby anymore. Right?

Or is Baby Jesus a different entity altogether, like Superboy and Superman are (at least according to the lawyers DC Comics employs so they don't have to pay royalties on "Smallville")?

Regardless, Fake Santa telling us what Baby Jesus taught is just false all-around. The Baby Jesus didn't teach us anything. He was a baby. Oh, going by all the carols and pop songs, He was an extraordinarily well-behaved baby . . . but He wasn't giving devotionals, self-help seminars, and lecturing at community colleges. Not even on carpentry.

I know it's a little thing, and wouldn't have merited being mentioned (still doesn't), but I heard the promo again and again on the radio, and figured I should say something, just to get it off my chest.

We can just move on now.

Rish

P.S. "Hey kids, this is Artoo Deetoo. I know you're all excited about THE PHANTOM MENACE getting re-released in cinemas in a few weeks, but let me remind you that Spider-man turns fifty years old in 2012, so this really should be his year. And remember that Spider-man taught us, 'You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.' Have a happy new year."

R.I.P. Joe Simon

Captain America co-creator Joe Simon died today. He made it to ninety-eight, and lived to see a really solid film made from his most famous creation. In recent years, I've really grown to love Cap, and I hope Joe got to interact with some of the millions of people like me over the years.
Thanks, Joe.

Rish "Bucky" Outfield

Water Torture

I don't know if you have a Del Taco where you live (probably not in the UK or Australia, right?), but we have 'em all over around here. It's delicious, cheap food, and my cousin and I eat there pretty much every Tuesday night. Also, the restaurant in L.A. I probably went to the most was the Del Taco on Washington and Motor (technically Culver City, I suppose). Like most fast food franchises, their drinks are unforgivably overpriced, but you can always get a complimentary water, to save a couple bucks.

Of course, those restaurants make a killing on soda, and some Del Tacos have an ingenious way to get you to buy drinks anyway. For example, the aforementioned L.A. location had water that tasted like it came right out of the septic tank, and that worked well for them.

Today, I took my nephew to our local Del Taco, and they had an even cleverer way of getting us to buy drinks. I got a drink for me and a water for him, but then found that no water was coming out of the dispenser. I asked the girl behind the counter, and she said, "Oh yeah, that's broken."

Touche, Del Taco. Touche.

Rish "Del Chalupa" Outfield

The World's Most Helpful Employee

I went to Target today, and they had their yearly $7.99 sale on DC Universe Classics figures (normally they are $15.99). Unfortunately, the local store hasn't gotten a single new figure in in months, perhaps not since last year's holidays. What they have on the shelf are figures I've returned (or others have returned), and not a single one that's worth $7.99, let alone $15.99. But I'd discussed this so many times with my cousin that I'd planned on stripping the shelves if they ever went on sale again, in hopes that the store would order some new ones.

Unfortunately, they had three of probably the most worthless figure in their entire series, Cyclotron (it's probably more worthless than the much more-prominent Captain Cold, since he at least comes with a Build-A-Figure piece), and I was torn between buying ALL the figures, and buying all of them except for him. And an employee of the toy department just happened to come by, so I asked him.

"These are on sale," I said. "Should I buy all of them, or is leaving only three enough so that the store will order more?"

"It doesn't work that way," he said, smugly . . . then didn't explain how it did work.

"Okay, how does it work?" I asked.

"The warehouse sends us more when they have more. It doesn't matter if we have them on the shelf or not."

"Oh. But this store hasn't gotten a new figure since 2010. Since they're on sale, will you be getting some new ones in?"

"There's no way of knowing that," he said.

"Can't the manager or somebody order another box?" I asked.

"Nope. The computer keeps track of those things."

This frustrated me, since I was now getting visions of the HAL-9000, and that shitty Michael Bay TRANSFORMERS movie. "Alright, isn't there anything I can do to ensure your store gets some more in?"

"Well, you could buy all the ones on the shelf, if you want," he said.

Sigh.

short story unsale

I got an acceptance letter about one of my stories a few weeks (months?) ago, and was excited that a) someone other than me liked it and b) I'd get to hear somebody produce it for audio. It's a tale I'm quite proud of, and might have been the first story I wrote with a pair of girl protagonists (rather than my typical male ones).

But life is what happens when you're . . . a loser, I guess. So I got an email from the editor who, sadly, can no longer do the story (or any story, it would seem), due to matters beyond her control. That was disappointing to me, mostly because I now won't get to hear how someone interprets and performs the story, but also because it's a rejection in a way.

It ain't world-ending or anything, but it's a bit of a bummer. Of course, a real writer would have already sent it out there to another publisher, in the time it's taken me to write this. Sigh.

Parenting

"The Charter" reading over at Strangely Literal

A while back, I auditioned for a part in a "Firefly" audio drama, and while I didn't get the part I wanted, I got a part. But before the fun could begin, each of the new cast members were sent a short story to record, as a secondary audition, I assumed. Mine was called "The Charter," a very short story set (sort of) in the "Firefly" universe.

Well, I was going through my files today, looking for stuff to delete, and was reminded of it, so I did a search, and I found my reading as part of the "Strangely Literal" podcast, which is a fan fiction publisher of stories set in the Joss Whedon-verse(s).

It's a crossover with a very popular Nineties sitcom, and the story is pretty amusing really, so I figured I'd mention it here. If you like that sort of thing, check it out over at strangelyliteral.com. Tell 'em Badger sent you!

R. "You're killing Independent Rish" Outfield

Stupid Thing of the Week

I was in the grocery store today, and a toddler (maybe three, but probably two) had a t-shirt on that read, "I have the biggest dick in my family."

With Some Nameless Dread

Was it Poe or Lovecraft who liked to use the phrase "it filled me with some nameless dread?" I always found that to be a nebulous, old-fashioned, almost nonsensical turn of phrase. But late tonight, I was leaving my friend's house to go home, I understood exactly what the crazy dead bastage meant.

You see, a few minutes earlier, my buddy's wife woke up to the sound of a pair of cats fighting or yowling or communing with the unholy spirits of darkness--whatever it is cats do--worried that her cat might be participating. He told her it wasn't, but I had heard nothing.

It was time for me to go home, and I went out onto the front porch. Then I heard it. The sound was bloodcurdling. It sounded like somebody dying. It sounded like the devil having a baby. It was an echoing, horrible, feminine, inhuman sound (sure, it was inhuman because it wasn't made by humans, but why would it be feminine?). It was the most awful sound I can readily imagine, and I've heard more than one song by Ke$ha.

"Jeez, that sounds like an old woman wailing in pain," I said, laughing, as my friend bid me farewell.

But once I was alone, and it came again, I was no longer laughing. The hairs on my arms and taint stood right up, and for the first time in I don't know how many years, I was almost overcome with the urge to run. Run in the direction that ghastly sound was not coming from. There was no logic to it, but I was simply, and most unjustifiably terrified.

I quickly got into my car, and fought the urge to scream at the prospect of something grabbing hold of me before I could close the door, or worse, something leaping onto the windshield to get at me. How that's worse I don't know. I guess because I'd see its face then.

Anyway, it was such a strange and childhoodesque experience, I thought I'd share it here. Seems like that might've been a mistake.

Rish "The Fonz" Outfield

Guest spot on "Star Trek: Outpost"

I'm not sure why I haven't mentioned this before, but I recently did a three episode arc over at Giant Gnome Productions' "Star Trek: Outpost" audio drama series. The storyline is called "The Melnoran Solution," written by Tony Raymond and Daniel McIntosh.

I've done a couple of Trek fan productions, with varying levels of success. This particular series is very dialogue-heavy (as would be expected in audio), and this series of episodes are heavy on politics, diplomacy, and protocol. Audio drama is really hard to write and pull off well. I don't really know the series, except that it is very popular, award-winning, and each episode is massive, around an hour ten.

I play the part of Kar'rl Droonga, in pretty much a more formal version of my own voice. He's a Betazoid emissary that's been living among an alien civilization without (most of) them knowing he is not one of them (kind of like that episode of "Next Gen" where the natives worship The Picard as a god and Lilith Sternin-Crane always wanted to have sex with an alien, unless that's two different episodes). But all is not as it appears to be, and my character takes a bit of a turn in his later appearances.

It surprised me, since hadn't known where it all was going, and I wondered if I should have played the part differently, having been tipped off as to motivations and destinations. It must be a bit like playing a part on a TV show with no idea what is to come, only to find out your character is a murderer, or a spy, or a love interest, or is killed, as soon as you get the next script.

It was one of the more difficult productions I've worked on, and required a hell of a lot more time than I'm used to. But the show is high-quality and professional, with original score, sound effects, and a full cast of better-than-average actors, so I guess it's worth it in the end.

Wait a minute, check it out yourself, and you can be the judge.
Part I
Part II
Part III

Rish "Red Shirt" Outfield